Why do I punish him

[Whiskeyjar]

I already know IABU but any advice would be really appreciated

Backstory- I had two proper relationships before I met my husband. First lasted for around 7 years from when I was a teenager into early twenties. It was turbulent and there was a lot of wrong on both sides but the relationship was mostly him cheating on me, me taking him back and repeat until we eventually ended. Next relationship was about a year and I ended up pregnant with my daughter. He was emotionally abusive so once I fell pregnant he would tell me I was a loser, stupid, pathetic etc every day until I eventually left before my daughters first birthday. I stayed single for 6 years after that and established a career and build a life for my DD and I. Fast forward now and I have everything I've ever wanted in life. My husband is perfect and I don't say that lightly - he literally has every quality I had written down on my 'dream man' list when I was single. He is so kind, thoughtful and would do anything for me. We have a great relationship 99 percent of the time but the problem I have is that if we have any kind of disagreement I totally cut him off and don't want to speak to him for days. For example, we could argue over something mundane like him forgetting to take out the bin and he would snap back at me and instead of just accepting it's been a disagreement and him apologising as he always does, something in me just can't accept it, despite knowing it's not that big a deal. I then don't speak to him for days. After a few days I eventually snap out of it and normal life resumes and I'm full of guilty over my behaviour. I don't know why I do it, is like a total anger takes over and I just want to break up and never see him again, over things that are so stupid. This is killing him, he gets so hurt by it and I know it's hurting him but I still do it. It's like I'm making him miserable when he just doesn't deserve it and only wants to make me happy. I don't really know how to fix this but it's worrying me that it's going to slowly break him and I'll ruin the relationship

Therapy therapy therapy.
You dont want to be losing what sounds like the best thing that has happened in your life. I feel sorry for him. Please seek help.

user1484424013, you clearly understand nothing about trauma and mental health so why even bothering to post such a nasty and unhelpful post? Maybe you should try therapy, it might help you see how you come across to others

I am going to look into therapy, face to face. I do want to change this more than anything so it's just something I'm going to need to do

You know, this is the best possible starting place for successful therapy. You will really find it useful, helpful and amazingly interesting. It will be hard though.

Just make sure you really feel comfortable with your therapist. If you don't feel that, then simply change to another.

I have EUPD (BPD) from childhood trauma, and I recognise in this post behaviour which I have worked hard over the years to stop (mostly successfully). People who haven't been there don't understand that these behaviours were often learned so long ago that they have become reflex over time and are not necessarily controllable by the conscious.

Therapy is a great idea. You need to find the root of your feelings and then you can work on modifying your behaviour. And make sure you keep communicating with your husband - as hard as it is, he deserves to understand.

I wasn’t trying to kick the op when she’s down, but to perhaps see how damaging it is for her dh and how awful it must be for him
It’s awful treading on eggshells and one of the most awful parts of it, is when the abuser says sorry I don’t mean to hurt you, afterwards. It makes you feel confused and that you’re to blame somehow, if you didn’t trigger them then it wouldn’t end up like this.
Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what’s caused this, lots of people have trauma, but they don’t do this to their partners.
Anyway. Get help.

I spoke to DH last night and we talked about everything I said in this thread and about me going to get some therapy. He told me that although he gets hurt and unhappy when this happens, the thing that bothers him more is that he sees how withdrawn I become and he worries more for me than he feels bad for himself - this is what I mean about this man being so caring. I woke up feeling a weight had been lifted because I know what I need to do and there's a way forward. Thank you again for everyone who gave support or advice last night, you've really helped me

Therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy. You’ve been hurt and abused, and it’s left you with some issues. There is no shame in getting help to break the cycle. So many adults would benefit from therapy but feel scared or embarrassed. Don’t! You can absolutely overcome this.