To give DD advice on not leading boys on?

[winterwinder]

Namechanged as don't post about my children under my main username (few reasons).

DD is 16 and is in year 11. She has a lot of friends and a few being male. She currently has "a few" boys she calls "bae/baby" and casually flirts with them (she openly admits this to me) and tells me this is all normal and they do it to other girls too. Personally this seems really like she is leading them on to believe they are the only ones?

I'm not keen on this behaviour but don't know if this is really my place to step in?

YABU.

Ok I just thought it would be acceptable to teach her now for future relationships.

I imagine many people will take issue with the phrase "leading them on", but I would agree that it's confusing and hurtful when people believe you're interested in them when you're not.

I think you could have a conversation with her about consent and discuss whether she understands that not everyone has the same boundaries and understanding of what consent entails.
Maybe talk about the importance of honesty in relationships.
Ultimately though, your daughter isn't responsible for the behaviour of other people.

By leading them on I mean getting the boys to think there is something between them, I think it would be sad for them to realise she is fond of other boys in a similar way. I don't mean lead them on in a sexual way or anything.

In your position I would want to try to convince her to be kinder, but I don't know how I'd go about it! It's not a behaviour I would be happy with. I'm glad I don't have a teenage daughter. They are mercenary!

@winterwinder I agree! Just meant others may not.

I wouldn't like if a 15 year old lad let my (hypothetical) DD believe he was interested when he wasn't.

Yes that's the thing. I'd hate for it to then back fire for her also. I can't imagine it would go down well when all these boys realise. Some have privately asked her out and I go oh like a date and she replies oh no it's not a date or anything but it really does come across that's how the boys will see it. I don't know really, would have the boot to be on the other foot

I would talk to her about making sure that everyone is on the same page. Ask her if the boys know that she's spending as much time with other boys, for instance. It's being honest and kind, and that's always important to remember.

Yeah “Bae” isn’t the serious declaration you imagine it to be.

None of the boys are going to be as confused as you are about this so don’t worry

And yes, as pp have said, I would not use the phrase 'leading them on'. I don't think that's really what you're describing anyway.

Also “dating” for most of today’s youf isn’t the same as we might define it.

I think flirting is fine if both people know it's just a bit of fun. Sometimes one might take it to mean something more and it can get tricky. I remember being pretty crushed as a teenager when a lad I fancied didn't fancy me back. I was seriously confused because he'd been really flirty and thought he was into me too. I was terribly embarrassed and ashamed for getting it wrong.

However, being flirty isn't a promise for anything more, by any means.

YANBU, you sound like a responsible, caring and wise parent to me.

Get your flameproof suit out, OP. I’d rather be teaching her and any other children I had, especially any boys, about what consent means.

So they are flirting.
She is flirting with some boys.
And those boys are flirting with other girls too,

Why is it that you find your dd behaviour not ok and you want to talk to her about it
But you dont feel the need to have a chat with her about their behaviour and how it’s unacceptable and unkind? (Because really who can respect a man/boy that keeps flirting with girls and ‘leading them on’?)

I’d be interested to see where is the difference for you and why. i also suspect this will give you the answer to your question.

Flirting and consent are two different things.
It’s ok to be flirting if the other person is ok with it.
If it was imposed onto them, that wouod be different but nothing I need the OP says that.

I don’t see an issue with consent there at all.

Bloody hell I'm old. I can't imagine having done this at school FFS.

Have you talked to her about consent, leaving immediately she becomes uncomfortable, she doesn't owe anyone sex, etc?

YANBU I think it would be lovely if teenagers were a bit more thoughtful about other people’s feelings. Unlikely to happen but I hate the thought of my PFB (he’s only 5!) one day having his heart broken by thinking someone liked them and then it turned out they’d been winding him up.

I flirt with everyone (albeit in a sarcastic manner). So do a lot of people I know. My husband called at least half his clients ‘darling’ or similar and they do the same. Are you sure her group of friends aren’t just bantery?

My point isn’t that you need consent to flirt. It’s that I’d be stressing the importance of consent rather than telling my daughter she’s leading someone on. “Leading men on” almost always is implicit victim-blaming, if it goes wrong for the girl.

*just to clarify my husband isn’t a sex worker nor is he pretending to be camp. It’s all sarcastic.

I don’t imagine the boys are under any illusion that it’s more than just a bit of casual flirting, it all sounds like typical 16yr old behaviour to me.

If you really must say something just remind her to make sure everyone is on the same "just friends" page.

She’s a teenager. It’s what they do. I’m sure the boys know exactly what the scoop is.

And I hate the phrase you use. It’s not 1950.