To give DD advice on not leading boys on?

[winterwinder]

Namechanged as don't post about my children under my main username (few reasons).

DD is 16 and is in year 11. She has a lot of friends and a few being male. She currently has "a few" boys she calls "bae/baby" and casually flirts with them (she openly admits this to me) and tells me this is all normal and they do it to other girls too. Personally this seems really like she is leading them on to believe they are the only ones?

I'm not keen on this behaviour but don't know if this is really my place to step in?

Sounds like harmless fun to me.

I think you're extremely sensible. Equally, parents of boys should be teaching them not to presume that any girl (or boy!) who is friendly means they want a sexual relationship.

tells me this is all normal and they do it to other girls too. Personally this seems really like she is leading them on to believe they are the only ones?

If the boys are "flirting" with other girls, then what's the problem? It all sounds very casual between all parties. I don't understand why you're so concerned for their feelings.

Also “dating” for most of today’s youf isn’t the same as we might define it.

I'm extremely intrigued. Please someone elaborate.

but I hate the thought of my PFB, one day having his heart broken by thinking someone liked them and then it turned out they’d been winding him up.
Why wouod it be someone winding him up and not him not having read the signals properly?
Flirting the waybthe OP is describing is actually quite different than really flirting because you like someone.
And tbh I prefer that much better than what my teen is describing where boys are basically annoying girls ‘because they like them’. He can’t quite get his head around it and is quite puzzled as how been a pain in the arse to someone couod be the right thing to do to attract their attention. Even more puzzled by the fact it seems to often work..

If it's harmless flirting and everyone is on the same page then she's ok.

If she isn't interested but flirts with them because she likes the ego boost of them liking her then that's not ok. It's her getting a boost by manipulating someone else.

I wouldn't use the phrase leading them on (due to the connotations of it to sex and being a prick tease) but I would talk about the importance of not playing with other people's emotions.

if theyre flirting back like her then they prob realise

bae isnt serious btw

I don't think it's leading anyone on. They all call each other babe (or 'hun') whether boy or girl. The girls hold hands and links arms, they say 'love you' all the time to family and friends, it's all totally different from when we were young. I shouldn't give it another thought.

Teacher's point of view (my kids are way past all of this) - I think your daughter is telling it as it is when she says that everyone at school behaves like this. Bae/hun/babe is a bit like putting xxx on messages - it doesn't mean what it would have meant years ago. I don't think it even counts as flirting.

Sometimes, our Y10/11s are in huge friendship groups when they are verbally and physically affectionate but in a non-sexual way. When they pair up, it's very different.

I genuinely wish someone had warned me about the fact that what you might think is harmless flirting or even just "being friendly" can lead to trouble. I never realised that the way my father spoke to people was flirty because he had always been like that, so I grew up thinking that's just how you got people to talk to you and made friends. I got a job at 16 and "was friendly" with everyone to make friends.
Then one day I found myself cornered in the walk-in fridge at work by a guy I spoke to most days who was convinced I was interested in him, and he became very aggressive when I told him I really wasn't. He didn't hurt me, but he shouted at me and called me a lot of awful names and it really scared me.

I didn't really deserve what happened to me - the guy should have accepted what I said, but it was a rather brutal lesson for me to learn and I wish I could have had a nice reasonable chat from my caring mum instead. I would have behaved differently.

I have a lot of chats with teen DD about being "very clear" what she actually wants, how unfair it is to get a boy's hopes up when there is no hope. DD appreciates that lads have feelings that should be respected. DD is pretty darn direct with lads, but was accused of leading boy X on last year by (now former) mates, so maybe she's still figuring out how to be sensitive but direct in explaining what her level of interest is. I reckon X was just happy to have a pretty girl keep talking to him most evenings in case she changed her mind. Like rest of us, they will always be on a learning curve, need to figure out how to manage these situations as they go. X & DD are on friendly terms now, which is a good sign they handled his acknowledged interest as well (adult-like) as they could.

It sounds like she knows more about her friendships with these boys than you do. As well as how the boys interact with other people. Please don't use the phrase "leading them on". It's misogynistic bollocks

It's a difficult thing to give advice on. She probably genuinely doesn't think these lads think she's serious with her flirty banter, and they might not either! Unfortunately there might be one lad who will be crushed to find out she doesn't really fancy him.

I had such a situation when I was her age. I loved our friendly flirty banter but I didn't realize it was more than just banter to him and he really did like me. Things were never the same when I set him straight and I missed that friendship alot for many years afterwards

Nothing wrong with just reminding her to be mindful of other people's feelings, and also to protect her own! But don't come down too hard on her - she has to learn these things for herself.