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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overnight contact

26 replies

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 18:06

DS is almost 2. His dad and I split before he was born. He has him once a week since he was 10 months for between 4-9 hours. He says he wants to start having DS overnight but he's never done it before and I've never spent a night without DS.

I'm so unsure!!! He's mentioned it a couple of times but I've always put it off and he's never pushed it. There's a few little niggly things re ex that are stopping me but don't know if I'm BU or not!

Help!

OP posts:

Thehop · 10/11/2018 18:07

It would depend what the reasons for saying no were?

TidyDancer · 10/11/2018 18:07

What are the niggly things? Unless there's major issues here I'm surprised he hasn't asked before tbh.

TidyDancer · 10/11/2018 18:08

Ah sorry, I see he has asked before, I missed that. So this really comes down to the reasons you have for putting this off.

Original poster

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 18:10

When he's mentioned it before DS was a lot younger than he was now, and at that time he'd only ever had him for approx 4/5 hours unsupervised.

I just don't think he can cope with him on his own and DS is very unsettled sleeping anywhere but home (he when we stay at my DMs) and ex has a travel cot same as her.

OP posts:

Thehop · 10/11/2018 18:11

I think unless he’s a danger or incapable then you have to let him try.

It’s hard though, I sympathise x

Starlight345 · 10/11/2018 18:12

I think the fact he is 2 suggests he is old enough
I understand for you it’s a big change. As others say though depends what niggles are. Niggles don’t sound serious enough to stop overnight contact

DTSMUMBOJO · 10/11/2018 18:13

I think unless there are major concerns YABU. We all have to spend a night without our child at some point. It's hard and it sucks but it's one of those humps you have to get over. After all, you don't want D'S ending up a 37 year old man who's never spent a night without his mother!

Original poster

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 18:14

I think if I'm honest it is probably more me. But he's recently had a new baby with his new partner so he probably feels more confident. It does irritate me when he says things like 'oh I understand what it's like to have a baby 24/7 now' and about him now being 'a full time dad'

For the record I have never stopped and in fact actively encouraged contact and everything But it's always Ben reluctance from him (ex)

OP posts:

Original poster

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 18:14

Oops! Been not Ben. Sorry Ben!

OP posts:

DTSMUMBOJO · 10/11/2018 18:15

One two year old is not too much for a competent adult without physical disability to cope with.

ghostsandghoulies · 10/11/2018 18:15

The first time will be strange for everyone but it might be better now than when he's older so staying at Dad's becomes the new norm sooner.

As Dad hasn't done it before, it's best that he learns sooner rather than later.

Original poster

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 18:19

@DTSMUMBOJO no I agree it's not but he has his new baby too (see above post) I guess I just worry that DS will be overlooked

OP posts:

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 10/11/2018 18:21

I hear you OP, my DD has been staying overnight with her Dad since she was 9 months old and it’s not easy. Incessant googling at the time suggested that 2 years was about the right time (not that her bloody Dad listened )
A couple of things though, he really pushed me for it but I chose the first time to be a night which ‘suited’ me (one of my best friends was having birthday drinks so it took my mind off it but also meant I could properly relax and have a hangover lie in the next day). Whilst it still wasn’t easy, having some level of control made it feel more like it was my choice and that helped.
Secondly, my DD is a hugely confident little girl who has never batted an eyelid about doing new things or being away from me, and I honestly feel like a lot of this is down to her getting used to spending time away from me from any early age.

for you though, it’s hard.

DTSMUMBOJO · 10/11/2018 18:34

I don't think those comments are necessarily wrong.

Would you say maybe part of you feels that going and being part of another family unit you're not part of is difficult? That's understandable, but it's something you need to do. This child is always going to be DS's sibling, the new DP will always be his siblings mother. For DS's sake you need to get used to this and cope with it. It would be very bad for him emotionally if he grew up feeling like a visitor to his Dad's house rather than part of the family. He is part of the family of his DM and DF equally and should be allowed to feel that.

Also, remember that in a year or two you may well be the one trying to blend a family. Not being obstructive now will pay off then because it will mean when you are all in new relationships and it's a bit less raw there will be less residual bitterness and more chance of functional coparenting, which would by far and away be the best thing for DS.

Build it up slowly. Make plans for the free time, socialise, have a bath, read a book, date, sleep.

I'm sure you're just as frazzled as any other mother of toddlers and could do with a break.

Original poster

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 18:37

@GileadWivesAreFashionIcons wow that must have been so hard for you.

Funnily enough it started last week when I asked if he could extend his contact into the evening in a few weeks so I could go out with friends, and that was his response 'well I'll just have him overnight' etc. I did say that I thought we'd start it when DS is 2 (in a few months) to show I wasn't just saying a flat out no and he just left it and changed the subject.

I do think it's ExMIL pushing for the overnights tho really and ex just goes along with it, hence the acceptance. He can go back then to her and say 'no she wouldn't let me/she said no....' etc

OP posts:

DTSMUMBOJO · 10/11/2018 18:37

I think DS would probably feel much more overlooked being packed off at tea time every visit than he would if he had his own bed and things there.

It would be important that his DF tries to stick with his home routine as much as possible so he's not unsettled tho.

Original poster

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 18:42

@DTSMUMBOJO It would be very bad for him emotionally if he grew up feeling like a visitor to his Dad's house rather than part of the family.

^^That really got me actually. Because essentially atm and up until now, he is!! He goes once a week for the day and takes his little bag with him etc.

Don't get me wrong he's a very happy child, happily waves me off in the morning and does the same to ex in the evening when he drops him off.

As parents, ex and I are actually very amicable, we chat at hand overs, talk about things and we did everything when we split ourselves without courts/ solicitors etc.

OP posts:

ShalomJackie · 10/11/2018 18:50

You need to realise if he wants to press this and take it to court he will win. Don't mean to sound harsh but he woukd. In fact he would probably be allowed EOW. I suggest allowing it and sorting yourself a nice night out with some friends, a nice lie in the next day and just face the fact your chils is with his other parent who also loves him!

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 10/11/2018 18:58

If it helps I have had dgs overnight from 5 months, dil's request!
He slept all night from day 1, never sleeps through for anyone else, not even dil!!
Let your ds be part of his df's life with new sibling unless you can show he is in danger.
Tough at first, been there, but needs to be done imo.

Starlight345 · 10/11/2018 19:05

I think your feelings and apprehensions are perfectly normal. It is putting your trust into someone else when you have been there every night.

Your apprehension doesn’t make it wrong though.

iwillkeepthishouseclean · 10/11/2018 20:05

I think you're being unfair to stop this unless you have reasons you are partially worried about his safety..

Believe me from a perspective of someone who didn't know her birth parent and was angry that my mother did not try harder to form some kind of contact ....

If your babies daddy wants him overnight then I'd let him

Original poster

drpepperyum · 10/11/2018 21:25

@iwillkeepthishouseclean I don't think I understand the middle part of your post??

I get the general consensus tho. I've never stopped him as such I've just never really gone along with it if that makes sense... avoided it is probably the right word

OP posts:

TwistinMyMelon · 10/11/2018 21:40

Cringe!

I hate his pub singer hands and "mic technique"...😩

TwistinMyMelon · 10/11/2018 21:40

Oops wrong thread!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/11/2018 21:47

My daughter was awful sleeping anywhere else from the ages of 1 - 2.5. I think you'll know when the right time is. When they can start speaking in more coherent sentences snd their level of understanding increases - for us, this coincided with being ready for overnight visits (to grandparents). I'd start to prepare him by talking about it as something that will happen one day. Also I think it's useful to have a very strict bedtime routine (strict as in do the same thing in the same order) and discuss with your ex exactly how you do it so he can follow the same thing. Or you could get him to do bedtime at yours in the lead up to it if he lives close so your son gets used to him putting him to bed and it's only the location that changes?

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