To refuse DS going to detention after being bullied

[Chocolate4ever]

First time poster, I'll try to keep as short as I can.

DS is in Yr8 in an outstanding catholic college, the best in the area. He had trouble adjusting in Yr7 as he was the only one from his primary, not very good making new friends. He was bullied by Yr9's in the very first 2 days (it was dealt with by the School very swiftly) A month later got into a provoked fight after an inappropriate joke that was deemed as a racist comment. He was cleared by HoY but got exclusion for the fight. Apart from that, he was ok during the academic year, made some mates but no one he hang out with after school / weekends.

Fast forward this September, his "mate" Boy1 challenged him to a fight after his being rude apparently, DS dodged it and spent many lunchtimes as the loo to avoid the boy and the crew (group of 6 boys, 3 active troublemaker, 3 passive bystander) Eventually they sorted it without adult intervention. A month ago, he got into a fight after having been picked on again (his water was spilt and sticks thrown at him, he fought back and Boy2 went for him) I reported it to tutor by email, he called a group meeting with the boys and supposedly sorted it.

Last weekend during a heated argument he stated that his life was hell in school, by Boy1. After having grilled him for 2 days he told me that he is being repeatedly called a "European prick" (my original background - his father is Brit) and being shut down in group conversations by 'shut up you European prick' followed by laugh and humiliation. I reported it to this tutor face to face, stating my concerns for DS1's mental welfare was is takes a lot of pushing for him to actually start a fight. The tutor acknowledged my concern and said that these boys are problematic and known for picking on others. We agreed that he will speak to HoY and HoKS3 and will updated me.
An update email came, stating that next week, they want him, HoY and DS1 to have individual talks with everyone in the group to iron out any issues and reiterate the seriousness of the situation. I am gobsmacked and shocked by why he needs to be at these talks; in my mind it will draw more attention to him rather than the racist comments and the boy's actions. Besides, the seniors should be able to handle this without involving him.

Secondly, he was given a lunchtime detention for the fight.

I'm pissed off as when a month ago he was hit the tutor knew about it and the boy was not given any punishment or detention. I reported it in good faith, thinking they have a duty of care, yet he is being further punished by being bullied. Fair enough, I know he was wrong to hit first but the second lot of bullying was down to the fact the they found out I reported them (Teacher displayed a well done email on white board, when his lift of emails were visible on the side, my complain email being the top. My name and first line of email clearly readable.)

I am in the middle of writing a rather pissed off complaint but do I have the right to refuse him doing the detention?

Thank you for your input.

If it was me I wouldn’t refuse the detention. I’ve told my son that he defends himself at all costs and then sucks up the consequences and that there’ll be no punishment at home if I find out he was only defending himself obvs!! I’ve had to do that because a boy humiliated him and made him say certain things then punched him and my son didn’t stick up for himself at all. He just cried.

Your son sounds like he’s having a tough time, poor thing. I think you should make an appointment with the hoy and write down everything you need to say before. Maybe take someone with you for support but ask why he wants your son at appointments (maybe there is a good reason), why they think he deserves a detention. Good luck!!

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like an outstanding school to me, I would consider moving him if it was me!

You can’t refuse to allow him to do the detention. When you sent him to the school you signed up to their behaviour policy. If he does not do the detention then this will escalated, in most schools this would mean a day in isolation. He needs to learn that if he, as an adult, hit someone who was rude, unpleasant or whatever then his behaviour is his responsibility and he would be prosecuted for assault.

If you are unhappy with the way the bullying issue is being dealt with then make an appointment with the head of year and dicuss it.

I would try and move him to the school his old friends went to asap. He's never going to get a quality education there if he's dealing with this. I would find out how to do that Monday first thing. Poor kid.

The school his old friends went is even worse in terms of dealing with behaviour issues and bullying. I noted your opinions re detention and certainly request a contact from HoY to explain their reason of him attending meetings.
I feel by doing this, he will be in the focus of the talks rather than the behaviour and racist / xenophobe comment that led to it. I really didn't want subject him to that

I think he should do the detention but no way should he be in the room when the teacher is talking to the bullies. I would be telling the school that under no circumstances is this to happen and if there is an attempt to do so you will take it further. I would say that you’re not prepared to accept any more bulkying otgetwyse it will go straight to headteacher and governors, possibly police is physical assault.

1. As PP says, it's not your decision whether he attends the detention.

1. A lunch time detention for assault sounds like a minimal sanction. I would suggest they are taking the circumstances into account.

1. Having him meet with the other boys is the right way to handle it. There is an ongoing problem between them, it can't be sorted without your son present.

1. You keep saying the fights are provoked. Assaulting someone is very different from saying something mean. He is over the age where the police can be involved. Teach your son not to hit people.

1. Either trust the school and support them, or move school. I'd give them chance to resolve it, but if you do move make it before Y9 if possible.

I would be telling the school that under no circumstances is this to happen and if there is an attempt to do so you will take it further.

Take it further how? No head or governors is going to criticise a teacher for having restorative meetings between pupils, it's entirely normal. She can't dictate what happens in school.

possibly police is physical assault.

Read the OP. Her son does the assaulting.

That’s a lot of fights he’s been involved in. Really a lot - I work in a very challenging inner city comp and there are only a tiny handful of our yr8s who have been involved in that many physical altercations - are they actual fights or more pushing around scuffles which get picked up because overall behaviour is exceptionally calm?

There’s a wider picture here then this incident- he needs to do the detention for fighting, if there is unpleasantness due to his heritage that needs dealing with.

He also sounds like he could do with some support around social relationships- is there a mentor/pastoral member of staff?

donquixotedelamancha
Please explain further why it is the right way to handle the issue by having him present?
Tutor has talked to them all previously about sorting issues, behavior policy etc, didn't seem to make the slightest difference. Even he admitted that these boys are a problem as they seem to be rather sneaky in how they behave. So what they say in the face of HoY maybe totally different to what they do at lunchtime.

I would move schools spending 5years there is going to be hell!

Smile, not entirely sure of the true nature of the altercations, I'm using the word fight as he describes it this way. I had no feedback from the school about it.
He has had support last year, not this yest though.

Also - talking with adult suppprt with the boys there are issues with is also pretty common practice - lots of schools run restorative approach programs - they can be exceptionally powerful and completely sort on going issues.

At my dd school they can move children into a different zone so as to help cut out contact with children who may be causing trouble. Of course if they are tracking him down at lunch that could still be a problem (if there is a system like that at your school) but it stops them ending up in any lessons together.
Since it sounds like your ds doesn't have a lot of friends in his class at present a move might help.

Smile, that is very positive to know, thank you. I wish the tutor explained it this way in his email. I guess I have to trust that they know what is the best approach but I kind of lost trust after the tutor exposed part of my email to the whole group.

Lack of friends is the biggest issue for him, these boys are clearly don't fall in the friend category. He is not sporty at all, don't like football so that rules out the other group of boys.

Have you been in to meet with the HoY - it sounds as though you are working with minimal information. Might be an idea to meet face to face and try to get to the root of the problem.

Tutor has talked to them all previously about sorting issues, behavior policy etc, didn't seem to make the slightest difference.

Because of this. Children resolve problems and treat one another better by speaking face to face and discussing the problem and its effects than just by being told to behave.

So what they say in the face of HoY maybe totally different to what they do at lunchtime.

It will be if he is just investigating what happened. That isn't the point, they have already been punished. The point is to get them too look at their actions honestly and confront the harm they cause.

My only meeting so far was with the tutor on Friday am. So far I had not contact from HoY although both her and head of Ks3 been copied in the reply email.

I will reply to all 3 of them, voice my concerns and request a meeting ASAP. Your input was very helpful, thank you.

I kind of lost trust after the tutor exposed part of my email to the whole group.

I've read parents comments to children before. It's a good strategy- it shows the kid has back up and they could get in more trouble. Obviously teachers must not share confidential information.

You only have your son's account to what happens. The reality is that he seems to be getting in many fights. You also say that he himself made a joke that was deemed racist. Maybe the others also think that your son is doing some bullying. It sounds like punishing for fighting is the right thing to do as in getting them all together to iron out what keeps triggering these fights and come up with strategies they agree to to move forward.

I will reply to all 3 of them, voice my concerns and request a meeting ASAP.

Focus on what you want the school to do (they may not agree, so you need to clarify what they are doing) and how you can reinforce what the school wants at home.

Chocolate4ever is your DS involved in any activities outside of school? Any clubs, societies, organisations he could join?

My experience is that this can give a different group of friends. They may not be bosom buddies but they are connected by enjoyment of the activity. It can help take the weight off the need for friends at school.

Possibilities:

• gaming clubs
• scouts/cadets
• theatre/music clubs

At a similar age my DS joined cadets. He wasnt desperately keen to start with but I made him give it a few months. Within those months he completely turned around and loved it and stayed in until he eventually aged out.

Many of these organisations really 'get' this age group. Bullying is swiftly dealt with and in fact seems to occur less in the first place.

I don't see why the type of school matters here, this could happen anywhere. It was inappropriate of the teacher posting e mails on the board, how ever with the amount of time you have rang and e mailed the school, the boys will have cottoned on already it was you and your ds the complaints were coming from which undoubtedly will have made the situation worse.
My ds was bullied but I had to pick my battles where the school was concerned, we only want the best for our children but running to school every time something happens will make him a bigger a target, bullies thrive off attention. Instead work with your son on how to deal with the situations in a positive way for way him. If he ignores the behaviour and just makes a funny comment back they will soon get bored. Hope it gets sorted soon

Gnome, this is exactly what I'm on at the moment. After all this surfaced last week, I told him that he need to be involved in something outside of school either a team sport or club of some sort. We already visited the sea cadets and waiting to hear from the air cadets re visit.
He seemed very excited by the concept of the sea cadets and I hope by joining them will help him shift his focus.