To refuse DS going to detention after being bullied

[Chocolate4ever]

First time poster, I'll try to keep as short as I can.

DS is in Yr8 in an outstanding catholic college, the best in the area. He had trouble adjusting in Yr7 as he was the only one from his primary, not very good making new friends. He was bullied by Yr9's in the very first 2 days (it was dealt with by the School very swiftly) A month later got into a provoked fight after an inappropriate joke that was deemed as a racist comment. He was cleared by HoY but got exclusion for the fight. Apart from that, he was ok during the academic year, made some mates but no one he hang out with after school / weekends.

Fast forward this September, his "mate" Boy1 challenged him to a fight after his being rude apparently, DS dodged it and spent many lunchtimes as the loo to avoid the boy and the crew (group of 6 boys, 3 active troublemaker, 3 passive bystander) Eventually they sorted it without adult intervention. A month ago, he got into a fight after having been picked on again (his water was spilt and sticks thrown at him, he fought back and Boy2 went for him) I reported it to tutor by email, he called a group meeting with the boys and supposedly sorted it.

Last weekend during a heated argument he stated that his life was hell in school, by Boy1. After having grilled him for 2 days he told me that he is being repeatedly called a "European prick" (my original background - his father is Brit) and being shut down in group conversations by 'shut up you European prick' followed by laugh and humiliation. I reported it to this tutor face to face, stating my concerns for DS1's mental welfare was is takes a lot of pushing for him to actually start a fight. The tutor acknowledged my concern and said that these boys are problematic and known for picking on others. We agreed that he will speak to HoY and HoKS3 and will updated me.
An update email came, stating that next week, they want him, HoY and DS1 to have individual talks with everyone in the group to iron out any issues and reiterate the seriousness of the situation. I am gobsmacked and shocked by why he needs to be at these talks; in my mind it will draw more attention to him rather than the racist comments and the boy's actions. Besides, the seniors should be able to handle this without involving him.

Secondly, he was given a lunchtime detention for the fight.

I'm pissed off as when a month ago he was hit the tutor knew about it and the boy was not given any punishment or detention. I reported it in good faith, thinking they have a duty of care, yet he is being further punished by being bullied. Fair enough, I know he was wrong to hit first but the second lot of bullying was down to the fact the they found out I reported them (Teacher displayed a well done email on white board, when his lift of emails were visible on the side, my complain email being the top. My name and first line of email clearly readable.)

I am in the middle of writing a rather pissed off complaint but do I have the right to refuse him doing the detention?

Thank you for your input.

I'm sorry to hear about your son. When my son was bullied I did two things that I have been very glad I did. 1) Made some friends for him out of school. That way he was not as bothered about school friendships and therefore what was happening in school which made him more confident around the bullies and 2) Found a therapist who helped children being bullied. She discussed with him body language and gave him tips to deal with bullies. For example, she encourages children to develop 'you're an idiot' stare - it allows the child being bullied to stand up to the bully without publicly humiliating the bully which helps avoid further confrontation. She also helped my son understand that there was nothing wrong with him - bullies bully because of weaknesses in themselves. Finally, she ended up diagnosing my son with Asperger traits....which helped us understand him better as a family. My son is sooo confident and happy now - he is actually friends with all his bullies!? His first ever bully invited him to his birthday party recently.
I also think getting your son to do some confidence boosting physical classes like a martial art might help him carry himself more confidently and hopefully help other boys seeing him as weaker and therefore a target. Should he have to do all this - no of course not - but sadly bullies pick on people they see as weaker.
Your poor son's life must be living hell. One thing I would point out is my school was very very helpful with the bullying. My son had a teacher where he walked into class each day and he either gave the thumbs up sign to the teacher as in i.e. had a good lunch time...or thumbs down i.e. I was bullied at lunch. Sadly I'm not sure your school is doing enough. I would also consider moving him and giving him a fresh start. His mental health is much more important then any perceived academic success. He will struggle to achieve if he does to school scared and unhappy anyway. There is also advice on www.bulliying.co.uk. Good luck - sending you and your son hugs.

Ittakes2, thank you for sharing your experience.

I have already started looking into after school activities as I think it will help him joining a social club where he makes friends and have fun.
Re physical activity, he used to do karate and not liked it, tried judo, again, he didn't enjoy. What you say regarding these activities and the effect they may have ie carry themselves differently is an interesting point and I think you are onto something there.

How have the school dealt with the shared email? In my work, I'd be treating it as a pretty serious IG breach. I think you have the right to expect that if you email your child's teacher that information is treated with care. There is a big difference between the teacher choosing to use selected words to work with the bullies and accidentally posting part of the email in view of everyone without any adult guidance.

I remember being bullied at school and how much worse poor management by the school could make it.

Have you mentioned the 'European prick' comments? It makes it feel as though there is a racial element to the bullying.

Littletabbyocelot yes, the racist comment has been mentioned. It is started before half term so going on about 3 weeks now. No mention of it in the tutor's email though.

My fear exactly that any face to face meeting will make it even worse but its hard to say what is the right approach. I guess I have to let the school to have a chance to sort it and if they fail I will need to move him.

I have been actively looking into things how to help him to overcome this phase so I'm not solely relying on the school to resolve it.

As a teacher I recommend that you go in "hard hitting" with the HoY.

Your son should do the detention. You need to be very clear with your son that from now on he does not name call or physically retaliate in any way.

You inform the HoY that you are unhappy with the way this has been dealt with so far. That it is racist bullying and assault which, if it occurs again, you will be reporting to the police as the school are clearly failing in their duty to safeguard your son.

You must ensure that your sons behaviour is impeccable; it sounds so far like there has been some tit for tat. You also need to be prepared to follow through with the police threat.

User0ne, thanks for your advice.

Email is drafted, I need to re-read it a few times before sending it but massive thanks for all the advices and useful tips!