IABU but I’m annoyed by SIL!

[LewisMam]

I already know IABU but I’m massively annoyed. My DS made a list of Christmas ideas and I don’t have much money but will buy 2-3 items. His list has been shared with MIL and SIL so he’ll probably get 2 more items.

SIL (who is a lot richer than me) has bought her own DS everything from my DS’s list. She keeps messaging me saying “Oops I’ve bought my DS this” or “This has just arrived in the post for my DS”. Item after item, it’s basically everything my DS has asked for that I can’t afford. And then she’s texting me “I love (brand of small toys that DS collects but I can rarely afford), I might set up a subscription and get one per month”.

I feel awful that my DS will see his cousin getting everything he listed but couldn’t have. And I’m annoyed at SIL for basically ripping off my DS’s list because she obviously has no present ideas herself and likes his taste. I don’t think she’s done it maliciously and I know I (and my DS) don’t have the sole right to certain toys. I think she’s just looked at his list and likes it. But I’m just so annoyed at her copying everything we’ve picked. Does she not have her own brain in her head?! And I’m even more annoyed that she’s rubbing it in that she’s buying her DS all of “our” chosen gifts. Buy what you want but why keep texting me?

To be honest I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, she sounds pretty nasty.

She doesnt sound like a nice person. As you say she can buy what she likes but why is she telling you everytime she buys something. It sounds like she is trying to rub your nose in it.

I think she being nasty too
Why else would she do it ?

I would text back and ask her to stop messaging you about presents, as it makes you feel bad. Then I would avoid seeing her for a bit after Xmas so the excitement of the presents dies down a bit.

I bet your ds loves what you get him.

Next door used to do this to us...
My DD got wise to it at 7...
She used too come home laughing and happy.
Never knew why..
She told me the other day, she used to go over and rave about a toy....
Within a week her friend had it and they would play with it.

I’m just getting fed up with her. I texted a photo of my DS wearing a top by a certain (slightly expensive) brand that I’d saved up for, and the next thing I know she’s bought her DS 5 items from the range and is telling me how much she loves the brand. No, “I” love the brand and you’re just copying because you’ve seen me buying it! I texted MIL and SIL a photo of my DS skating for the first time and she replied that she’s never thought to take her (slightly older) DS, and the following weekend she texted me and MIL photos of her DS also skating. She wasn’t even interested in skating until my DS went! It’s just weird.

Stop sharing stuff with her. Put her on 'restricted' on FB or whatever & share away with others. She doesn't have any ideas of her own & remember that despite her money, she is envious of your lifestyle with your DS.

If your DC are the same age, are you sure her DC didn't just also want some of the same things?

IME there is a lot of crossover in which toys etc are the desirable ones in a given year?

That said... it's a bit insensitive her telling you all the things she has bought. Does she know you don't have much money?

But you texted the photo of your son in an expensive branded top to her, and you texted the skating photo to her. Why would she think you wanted dibs on those if you were sharing?

Couldn’t she post “I feel like I have to keep getting stuff / doing stuff that my SIL, because she sends me these photos and I feel bad my son doesn’t have / do that stuff. And my son is jealous of his cousin”?

Does she know you want to buy more but can’t afford to? If you’re buying more expensive branded clothes and going skating (that’s £16 for a parent and child where I am!) maybe she doesn’t realise.

I daresay she buys other stuff too, but she’s sharing with you when she buys your stuff as she thinks you’ll be interested.

You could text her “saving up for some extra bits for X, can you share you list too, so I can get some more ideas?”

I think you’re over reacting. Especially about the skating - we skate, and I’d say about 5 friends have gone for a session after we’ve said about it - they just didn’t think of it before, or they did but didn’t get round to it and we just reminded them. They’re not stealing it from us!

you need to stop telling her what you're doing and buying

Sounds like she is being a cow. I've always said that DS can ask for one thing at Xmas but I give a brief that it can't be any ridiculously expensive (no IPads, xboxes, TVs etc) and anything else he will get is a surprise. I do this as I hate the Xmas list thing as it sets such a high expectation and unless you can get everything on the list it usually leads to some kind of disappointment. Having said this, my DS decided he didn't believe in Santa by the age of 4 (much to my disappointment) so I guess that made it easier

Never send her a list again. Tell her one thing she can get.

I feel slightly sorry for her.. She has no ideas of her own and perhaps is going by what you are doing / buying as a sort of role model. I don't think she is doing it out of malice and hate if that makes sense at all

Next time your shopping play a game with ds to find the most hideous outfit then take a photo of him in it. Send photo to SIL when her ds appears in it explain that it was a joke.

She sounds like she is doing it deliberately, by buying everything on your son's list for her own son, knowing that you can't afford to buy it all for your own son...

Rise above it, she is likely doing it for a reaction (maybe wants to see you green eyed with jealousy or have you erupt in an argument)...don't play in to it...each time she buys something, smile and say that's nice, and then change the subject, it will frustrate the heck out of her...

And don't give her your child's full gift list in future if you don't want this to happen again ...

I'd be tempted to tell her I was thinking of buying something for ds (something crappy, flimsy and ridiculously expensive that ds doesn't actually want)...then I'd laugh to myself as she rushed out to buy the crap for her own child trying to one up you 😂...it would be a fun way to mess with her...

Stop feeding her information.

If you didn't tell her these things, she wouldn't be able to do what she's doing.

are you sure her DC didn't just also want some of the same things?
I encourage my DS to choose ethical, fair trade and handmade rather than popular mass produced toys. We spent quite a while looking online and picking out items we thought looked fun. A recycled plastic bike made in New Zealand. Wooden trucks handmade by an Etsy seller in Poland. Fairly obscure things. Not exactly Lego or anything else you might see for sale on the high street. It would be an impossible coincidence for her DS to have asked for the same items on my DS’s list. SIL has shopped directly from my DS’s list.

But you texted the photo of your son in an expensive branded top to her, and you texted the skating photo to her
As a family with people living in different places, we share photos and updates about our lives in a group chat. I texted that I’d saved up for this top and doesn’t DS look lovely. And I texted when we had a day out skating. There’s no pressure on SIL to copy. In fact she texts photos of her DS wearing a certain brand all the time and I don’t copy because the clothes are blooming hideous!

I daresay she buys other stuff too, but she’s sharing with you when she buys your stuff as she thinks you’ll be interested
That’s probably it. She thinks I’ll be interested. But it’s annoying when someone basically copies your entire life! It’s getting to the point that I don’t want to share in the family WhatsApp because I know SIL will go out and buy the same thing five minutes later. I’ve already had to stop discussing my present ideas for other people because she kept going out and buying what I’d picked! And then I had to think of another present idea!

So, in a group you would post “I’m going to a cowboy outfit for Cousin A” (or whatever) and she’d then go and buy it for them and say so on a family group WhatsApp? Or directly to you?

Why would you not say “why have you bought that for A, when I said I was getting it?”. Direct question.

When I said about her not knowing your budget - if someone I knew was buying recycled plastic bikes from NZ and Etsy stuff from Poland, I would assume they weren’t struggling. I’m not saying you don’t have to save - but sharing my perception as even though it may be wrong, it may also be hers.

you need to stop telling her what you're doing and buying
I’m going to. But it’s a shame when I have to stop sharing with DS’s Gran and Great-Aunt etc because SIL is in the same chat and will copy.

Never send her a list again. Tell her one thing she can get
The point of a list is so SIL, MIL, Great-Aunt, etc can have a few present ideas and pick a surprise. I don’t want to tell them what to buy. I will have to provide a seriously edited list in future though.

She has no ideas of her own and perhaps is going by what you are doing / buying as a sort of role model. I don't think she is doing it out of malice
Yes I think so too. Doesn’t make it any less annoying!

Honestly, I do think there is an element of malice, or at least one-upmanship here.

She's rubbing in your nose - for whatever reason - that she can get what you can't afford.

I think you both sound a wee bit petty TBH...
Why does it matter if her ds has the same stuff? Or if they go skating as well..does it take away from your enjoyment? She sounds a bit childish and you sound a bit jealous..rise above it and just say"that's nice"

So, in a group you would post “I’m going to a cowboy outfit for Cousin A” (or whatever) and she’d then go and buy it for them
Basically yes. If I say I’m buying this for Cousin A on payday, if it’s a good idea SIL will steal it before I can buy it. So I now don’t let anyone know my present ideas.

When I said about her not knowing your budget
She doesn’t know my budget. She does know that she has two full time salaries coming in and we only have one because childcare exceeds my salary so I can’t work full time. The Etsy stuff DS and I picked out is actually less expensive than Hatchimals or whatever other plastic crap kids want this year.

Op please take heart in this...
Your sil, at best has done this without thinking.
I’m certainly not making excuses. These people who behave/say things ‘without thinking’ a lot over matters such as this, often lack self awareness and empathy for anyone else.

At worst she is showing off and this is obviously deliberately unpleasant.

Either way, they both reflect negatively on her personality.
I dare to think what her son will be like, if he grows up with such a lack of regard for the feelings of others. Also he runs the risk of growing up spoilt and with no regard for the value of things, if he can ‘have a toy a month’ on subscription just like that, and entire lists of presents bought for him.

You are teaching your ds far more valuable life lessons. Also whilst I don’t know your ds or your nephew, I’d hazard a guess your son will be more appreciative of gifts he receives.

Why does it matter if her ds has the same stuff?
It doesn’t matter. Just as it wouldn’t matter if someone bought identical clothes to you and copied your hairstyle etc. But it would be mighty annoying being copied all the time. Especially if they’re copying your plans before you can even do them yourself.

Just post bland stuff in group chat and message granny etc directly. You could always sling in a decoy post in group chat and see if she copies.