IABU but I’m annoyed by SIL!

[LewisMam]

I already know IABU but I’m massively annoyed. My DS made a list of Christmas ideas and I don’t have much money but will buy 2-3 items. His list has been shared with MIL and SIL so he’ll probably get 2 more items.

SIL (who is a lot richer than me) has bought her own DS everything from my DS’s list. She keeps messaging me saying “Oops I’ve bought my DS this” or “This has just arrived in the post for my DS”. Item after item, it’s basically everything my DS has asked for that I can’t afford. And then she’s texting me “I love (brand of small toys that DS collects but I can rarely afford), I might set up a subscription and get one per month”.

I feel awful that my DS will see his cousin getting everything he listed but couldn’t have. And I’m annoyed at SIL for basically ripping off my DS’s list because she obviously has no present ideas herself and likes his taste. I don’t think she’s done it maliciously and I know I (and my DS) don’t have the sole right to certain toys. I think she’s just looked at his list and likes it. But I’m just so annoyed at her copying everything we’ve picked. Does she not have her own brain in her head?! And I’m even more annoyed that she’s rubbing it in that she’s buying her DS all of “our” chosen gifts. Buy what you want but why keep texting me?

So how much of your irritation is about her copying you and how much is it about your complex over how much you can afford? Just asking because you mentioned it quite a few times there.

YANU

Disengage massively from her, on SM/ text and in life.

Why does it matter if her ds has the same stuff?
It doesn’t matter. Just as it wouldn’t matter if someone bought identical clothes to you and copied your hairstyle etc. But it would be mighty annoying being copied all the time. Especially if they’re copying your plans before you can even do them yourself.

If I say I'm going to the zoo on Saturday and my sil went on Friday...I would not give two hoots or even consider it underhand.

I don't really see the point of being worked up about it, she sounds a bit showy offy..but many people are rise above it.

I would start taking the piss out of her. Send her pictures of stupid stuff, or give her lists of toys your ds 'wants' but actually doesn't. People like her are easy to spend their own money for them. Tell her you're buying your son a rolex.

Shes doing it deliberately, do it back and have fun. May as well, she'll fall for it, she's an idiot.

So how much of your irritation is about her copying you and how much is it about your complex over how much you can afford?
I’d say 50/50. DS and I have spent ages carefully picking stuff for him and his cousin is getting his stuff even before he does (because I can’t afford to just buy it all). And then his cousin basically has everything he’s picked, including stuff he can’t actually have.

Update the list lots of plastic tat lol dolls etc

If I say I'm going to the zoo on Saturday and my sil went on Friday...I would not give two hoots or even consider it underhand
No that would be fine. Unless she was doing it over and over, copying every single thing you said. Then it would get annoying. And then you couldn’t actually go yourself, so she basically has everything you wanted but couldn’t have.

YANBU. I went on holiday with someone like this. I'd really scrimped to afford it and she was on the same tour and obvs a lot more well off.

Everytime I bought a souvenir, she came out of the shop with the same thing only twice the size.

Even the guide was commenting on it by the end.

I'm sorry you have to be related to someone like this

Why would you spend lots of time helping your son to pick out presents if you know he won't receive them all? You're making yourself feel bad in the end...

It does sound annoying - otoh, if you’re an ethical consumer, you should feel a bit good that you’ve diverted a rampant consumer onto a less bad path?

I can’t see malice here unless you’ve other evidence, I wonder if she just wants to be like you and her ds to be more like yours.

Yes, be vaguer and don’t give her a full list but without more of a backstory I don’t really see malice here.

Why would you spend lots of time helping your son to pick out presents if you know he won't receive them all?
He might not get them all at Christmas. But he might get a couple more items on his birthday. Or if he gets a good school report. Or a treat if Gran wins at bingo. And then next Christmas. Plus it’s rude to just tell people what to buy - there needs to be several suggestions so they can choose a surprise. SIL has basically bought the entire list in one go for her DS’s Christmas.

I don’t see malice either. I’m just annoyed. It’s weird and unpleasant to be constantly copied.

I think you are being a bit precious about some of this, OP. You are claiming 'ownership' of certain brands and goods that are a bit niche/exclusive and you don't like not being the only one having them especially when SIL is better placed financially to have more of them.

You are clearly disdainful of the plastic tat popular toys and the hideous clothing brands she'd normally choose in your posts here, so, maybe, something of that's coming across in your communications with her when you put up your carefully curated and ethically sourced lists. I'd say she's subconsciously responding to your brand snobbery cues and is trying to win your approval by emulation.

I think she has a shopping/spending money addiction. That is why she wants to 'share' with you. Because buying stuff is a rush and she needs to share it with someone who she imagines has the same interest in buying as she does.

I have a SIL just like this.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I know how annoying it is when someone copies you......my close friend used to do this all the time and it was really annoying! One time I'd spent ages (months) looking for a particular thing that I wanted, only for her to turn round one day and say "I had a bad day at work today, guess what I bought to cheer myself up?" Yep, 'my' long searched for item! Same colour too. I just had to limit what I shared info about, so I agree with the other posters who suggest not giving her too much info to go on.

Right, so when you said you were buying present X on payday for person Y, and she said “I just bought your planned present” why did you not say “SIL, that’s what I’m getting them, you know that, please take yours back”. Or even “why have you just done that?”

She sounds lazy or unimaginative - but I don’t understand why you have reacted to her.