AIBU? Friendship/SIL and MH

[User1736271537]

Might be a long one as will try not to drip feed...

Background; DH and I have been together since teens, now in late 20s and married for 5 years. SIL is my age and lived with us for a while before meeting her DP. We were all very close and have been on4 holidays together, often go out for meals and drinks and I would have counted her as one of my.best friends. Both guys are very very soft and kind and were both more assertive women and quite similar so both relatio ships have similar dynamics except she is quite feisty and argumentative whereas I avoid confrontation that isn't necessary.

DH and I got a flat in a nice part of town and SIL and DP moved to the same street. First few months were great, always in and out of each others homes etc. About a year later, 2 things happened a month or so apart. I had a mental breakdown which caused me to be off work for 6 months and DMIL got diagnosed with cancer.

Around this time I tried very hard to be there for SIL but she's very stoic and doesn't really 'do' feelings, and she shut herself off a bit. I respected that and just checked in every now and again, invited her to do things and left her alone when it seemed she didn't want to be bothered. She never asked how things were with me - TOTALLY understand and didn't expect anything from her at all, this is just for background.

I was really quite isolated during my time.off work and felt embarrassed being off when my MIL was going through chemo and radiotherapy and then a mastectomy; I felt very 'babyish' and unworthy so avoided bringing anything about myself up when we would all meet as a family. MIL and I have a lovely relationship and she would ask genuinely how I was which was so wonderful but embarrassing as I couldn't help but compare what she was going through (fighting for her life) to what I was going through (endangering and trying/wanting to end my life).

I have SIL, MIL and MILs DP on Instagram and used to use my IG as a bit of an outlet; I've always used.it to write blog style posts about things I do or think and keep.it fairly private, but during my deepest darkest moments it felt like a bit of a life jacket to be able to get my. Thoughts out.

SIL is infamous for hating social media and only has IG to keep.up to date with events. Hers is totally blank. So, a few months in to this whole thing I notice every time I see her she's going off on one about how she hates 'dickheads who share their lives on the internet' at great length, many many many times. She also frequently disparaged 'dickheads who.go off work with 'stress'' as she works as NHS professional and thinks paying people MH sick pay is wrong.

One night after this I got very embarrassed, changed my IG name and blocked all DHs family and changed my user pic so they couldn't see me. I felt so.embarrassrd and small and I just thought I didn't want her to think less of me, and she had already cooled.off a lot towards me during this period.

Over the past 10 months she has grown more and more. distant from.me. MIL is doing amazingly and is back at work and I am.back too. However, our relationship has never been the same.

I spoke to my dh about it and said I felt like I'd lost a best friend and he comforted me but just said that this is how she can be. We were friends for.over a decade and she seems to.have dropped me because of.my MH even though it has never ever impacted on her and I don't know if I'm unreasonable to be really hurt by it or if it's just something I should.let go of?

Good riddance to bad rubbish OP.
I would seriously consider reporting her comments to her superiors as well, no one should be working as a health professional if they are bigoted against MH patients. I'm so so sick of the stigma against MH.

It's made so difficult though by the fact that we are family and live on the same street. Also DH and DP are really close.

I'm wondering if she has dumped me or if I'm just being overly sensitive to the relationship changing as we grow up? Also wondering how much damage I've caused with the social media cull...

To be perfectly honest, and not to trivialise your struggle I can see how the whole ill MIL, social media stuff may seem like you were being insensitive. I can see her side. That's not to say that you weren't suffering, but her facing the possibility of loosing her mum whilst having to read what she probably saw as self indulgent social media posting was probably galling for her.

I can see both sides , your Sil sounds a bit like me tbh , she probably does sympathise with you but doesn't really know what to say or do . I don't get the whole express feelings on social media too but you have explained that it helps you so can you not discuss with you Sil so she understands that it helps . Don't feel that you can't tell people how you feel . Sil May feel shut out that you haven't talked to her so is kinda leaving you to it . If she is still like that after you have spoke to her then put it down to not understanding mh issues .

Tbh I can see her point of view.

You say you avoided talking about yourself, but actually the opposite was true - you poured out all your shit all over Instagram. It's the most public place on earth. You may as well have been a Town Crier ringing a bell. And she clearly didn't like it one bit.

@Lucille I 100% agree, fully 100% and I can see the discord between physical and mental health so much in this situation and I expect I appeared selfish and ungrateful for taking my life for granted. However, I never once discussed my MH with her. I was getting daily hom3 treatment from my local CMHT and was on high doses of antipsychotics and the only time she was aware something was going on was when she knocked to return something and I was seeing my CPN out of the door, and even then she didn't ask and k didn't tell because I respected that MILs health issues absolutely had to take priority as I've been there myself with my own mum.

I didn't see an option other than deleting my whole account but it's the only form of social media I have and I didn't want to cut myself off from other friends. I wish I hadn't done it but I didn't want to continue to make her angry with my posts and unlike FB there's no way to just hide some content, it's all or nothing.

@krazy my DH has discussed it with her as I was in hospital for a time and it took a toll on him and he told her what he was going through. I don't know if she's angry that I made her brother so.worried, which again is understandable. The other day she brought up the whole.instagram thing and I said that sometimes people can use it as a diary or sounding board, a way to chart their moods and find helpful resources in times of crisis ( I work as a charity professional who provides case work for people with complex neurological conditions, so this is feedback I've had from my own clients) and she was like 'nah, it's just boring and self involved, don't get it' and just shut the conversation down entirely. I really don't know how to fix it

Newsflash, posters above, they could have just unfollowed OP. No need to make nasty comments about people with MH issues.

You lot are as bad as the SIL.

I know, @elspeth, and I was in such a dark place that I honestly did not know how else to manage it at the time. I've just looked over my account and tbh across a 12 month period I wrote four posts that went into some detail and they're actually quite abstract; this is the most personal one I posted during that time and although it's emotional I hope it's not overly self indulgent to the point of being offensive.

I do accept that she's offended, though, I really do. And I get it. I just am.not sure why she can't seem to forgive me? Since that time I've been present at MILs surgery, have helped around her home, have had flowers sent to both Mil and SIL and ran a sponsored 10k in honour of MIL... I go to all family events, I offer to pop over for a cuppa/invite her over without being too imposing...

She should forgive you, no doubt about it. Maybe she's still feeling raw about her mum. Time is a healer.

Well what you've posted is completely innocuous, so if that was the most personal it mustn't be the actual content she objected so strongly to.

It must have been doing it at all.

Some people have very very strong reactions to people who share on Instagram. There have been numerous threads on that subject here actually. People often find it attention seeking. Personally I find it totally harmless, but she may be one of the ones who are contemptuous of it.

In which case there's not a whole lot you can do, tbh. You just have to decide you are very different people, and thus have grown apart, and that's OK.

It's not particularly OK that she seems to have completely ignored your suicide attempts and hospitalisation. Jesus, who ignores that???

Have you actually Sat down and asked her what the issue is? I understand where you were coming from doing what you did but equally, maybe she thought you were being self-involved when her mum was really ill?

I don't really understand mh problems and find it very hard therefore to sympathise. Being quite an introvert, I wouldn't write a blog, it does strike me as very egocentric.

As the family were all on the IG account, what were you expecting from them being able to see your thoughts?

I think your were thoughtless sharing everything on IG. You should have picked something that didn't have all your in-laws on it. I imagine unwound have distanced myself tbh if relative was putting so much stuff like that on social media while.my mum was potentially going to die

I haven't @maelstrop because the I'm too afraid to- I do avoid confrontation and I'm currently outwardly functioning (back at work full time etc) but inwardly v v fragile and still under quite intensive psychology and psychiatry. I have considered that and I understand that I may have appeared selfish, however the only thing she knew was those 4 posts on Instagram and whatever my dh may have said to her. I just keep trying to engage with her - sending her funny memes and clips via Instagram, inviting her over for dinner and cooking her favourites - and she doesn't respond or else she says she'll think about it. When everything with MIL was going on I was 100% present aside from when I was in hospital myself and even helped sort some benefits for MIL to take financial strain off her... I do understand that MH stuff makes people appear selfish but other than posting on my own Instagram account (which I know is probably horribly egocentric but by that rationale most social media is egocentric, and it's one tiny corner of the internet that she absolutely doesn't have to look at and can hide my feed) I never ever made my illness an issue and I expected nothing from anyone... unless I just have a really skewed perspective on how I come across?

@allthewaves so sorry but I didn't share anything specific about suicide or anything, the above screenshot is the most personal thing I put up... i don't know, is that still offensive? I've been in the exact same situation 3 times with my own DM and although people do respond differently I don't see it as hugely inflammatory... Also I don't have any other social media at all sorry.

My understanding of your posts is that you had a very serious and life threatening illness which you are made to feel was somehow 'less' because it affected your mental health. I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. You didn't choose it & it isn't a failing in you, any more than it was your Mils fault she had cancer. If SIL is a health professional I hope she is something specific like a dentist or a dietitian because in certain roles she could be dangerous dismissing someone who needs anti psychotics and hospital treatment as not ill. I had close family who needed both & when it wasn't controlled it was very very scary - for her most of all.

Your DH knows her better than you and says this is what she's like. You owe no one any apologies for being ill. I'm sorry you've lost a good friend but this is not your fault.

I also have a couple of people on Facebook who have rambles when unwell (one of who is very seriously ill). I don't enjoy it but if I don't want to read I don't & if I'm worried I reach out. Not something to hold a grudge about

Op you sound really very kind and understanding. My advice would be to try and take a step back from it and not to worry too much. I just don’t think she understands this is your outlet, and I doubt any amount of discussion or explaining would change this. I don’t mean this in a ‘tit-for-tat’ sense, but she doesn’t seem too worried about your feelings or letting you know she doesn’t really like your social media posts, so I wouldn’t waste too much time dwelling on what you could have done differently. You are not perfect and neither is she.

MH issues are horrid and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. I would just try and be yourself, and it may work itself out over time.

Sorry that last comment re you are not perfect and neither is she is not meant as a criticism of you OP, rather that we are all flawed. X

Well I thought you were posting tearful attention seeking rants but from that post it looks very thoughtful, helpful and reflective. No idea what sil problem is. She sounds a bit cold hearted. Can you set up your instagram but block/ remove/ limit sil?
Some people do go off each other. It's not you. I'd stop trying with her. Be polite. Smile politely but be distant. Kill her with kindness.
Best wishes.

This is a hard one OP.
I can see her side as well as yours. I think you both expected support from one another but were both too preoccupied with your situations to actually be there.
She probably really needed you more than ever during a time where she probably thought she was going to lose her mum. But you unfortunately had your own vulnerable health to prioritise.
Similarly you needed her support in what i can only imagine was a horribly dark time in your life, but she needed to invest her time, energy and support into her mum.

Neither of you are in the wrong. Its a sad situation and i hope you find your way back to one another.

@littletabbyocelot thank you for your kind reply. I don't ever expect people to be understanding because MH is scary and complex hence why I keep my mouth shut as much as possible!

@SayyyWhattttt123 aw no problem I knew what you meant! It's hard cos I'm a bit of a people pleaser especially with people I love, and I love SIL like a sister!

@IncomingCannonFire thank you for taking the time, I just find it hard as SIL was the closest thing I've ever had to a sister and we've been best friends for a decade... ugh it's hard to miss people!

Hi @BunsOfAnarchy - you know what, I think if she'd wanted me there I could have coped better. I think she would like to think she doesn't need help from.anyone as I think she sees it as a weakness? She would never 'let me in' whenever I tried to look after her or check in with her and I tried to read between the lines to see what she needed by asking her partner and my DH to let me know how she was during times that she seemed to be avoiding me. It's hard...

Well . You have clearly pissed her off . Question is will you ever have a chance to discuss why ? Takes a lot of courage to ask

I would go on the assumption she has trimmed you . Try to not think about her or give it much emotional energy

Some people are just weird . And lacking in empathy

Wishing you the best healing

If you had daily home checks by your CPN and were on strong antipsychotics then you must have been severely ill. Nothing, absolutely nothing, you did whilst being that poorly can be reasonably held against you, and from what I can see you didn't do anything anyway! Pp's who say they can see SIL's side wouldn't be saying the same if it was a stroke that you'd experienced, or cancer, or major heart disease. The fact that it was MH rather than a physiological illness that kept you from focusing on her is showing what a prejudiced person she is.

You've done nothing wrong, she's being totally unreasonable. I know it must hurt like hell to lose her friendship and I don't know what to advise to make it hurt less, but don't blame yourself. It was just really crap luck that you and mil became ill at the same time.

Ah in that case OP its simply just her personality then.
Its difficult one. But it may be best to take a step back for a bit. But i know this is sooo much easier said than done! I can see you are concerned about her and not just your relationship with her.
But OP, how are you? I cant imagine how you must have felt then, but how do you feel now? I hope you are in a better place x

Speaking from experience, when we found out my mums cancer was no longer curable (they won’t say terminal) I was so angry. Angry at myself for not doing more, the NHS, absolutely everyone. Anyone who moaned about something trivial (which I do too!) made me angry and upset, the receptionist at work moaned about the bin being overfull in the kitchen and I had to leave the room....

She probably was pre-occupied with her mum and not having had mental health issues didn’t understand what was happening with you. She may well feel bad about that now which is why it isn’t the same. Or she may feel angry you had issues at the same time as she doesn’t understand that you didn’t choose to have them. I don’t know how you can fix it but all you can do is try and maybe one day you’ll get back to the place you want to be with her.