AIBU? Friendship/SIL and MH

[User1736271537]

Might be a long one as will try not to drip feed...

Background; DH and I have been together since teens, now in late 20s and married for 5 years. SIL is my age and lived with us for a while before meeting her DP. We were all very close and have been on4 holidays together, often go out for meals and drinks and I would have counted her as one of my.best friends. Both guys are very very soft and kind and were both more assertive women and quite similar so both relatio ships have similar dynamics except she is quite feisty and argumentative whereas I avoid confrontation that isn't necessary.

DH and I got a flat in a nice part of town and SIL and DP moved to the same street. First few months were great, always in and out of each others homes etc. About a year later, 2 things happened a month or so apart. I had a mental breakdown which caused me to be off work for 6 months and DMIL got diagnosed with cancer.

Around this time I tried very hard to be there for SIL but she's very stoic and doesn't really 'do' feelings, and she shut herself off a bit. I respected that and just checked in every now and again, invited her to do things and left her alone when it seemed she didn't want to be bothered. She never asked how things were with me - TOTALLY understand and didn't expect anything from her at all, this is just for background.

I was really quite isolated during my time.off work and felt embarrassed being off when my MIL was going through chemo and radiotherapy and then a mastectomy; I felt very 'babyish' and unworthy so avoided bringing anything about myself up when we would all meet as a family. MIL and I have a lovely relationship and she would ask genuinely how I was which was so wonderful but embarrassing as I couldn't help but compare what she was going through (fighting for her life) to what I was going through (endangering and trying/wanting to end my life).

I have SIL, MIL and MILs DP on Instagram and used to use my IG as a bit of an outlet; I've always used.it to write blog style posts about things I do or think and keep.it fairly private, but during my deepest darkest moments it felt like a bit of a life jacket to be able to get my. Thoughts out.

SIL is infamous for hating social media and only has IG to keep.up to date with events. Hers is totally blank. So, a few months in to this whole thing I notice every time I see her she's going off on one about how she hates 'dickheads who share their lives on the internet' at great length, many many many times. She also frequently disparaged 'dickheads who.go off work with 'stress'' as she works as NHS professional and thinks paying people MH sick pay is wrong.

One night after this I got very embarrassed, changed my IG name and blocked all DHs family and changed my user pic so they couldn't see me. I felt so.embarrassrd and small and I just thought I didn't want her to think less of me, and she had already cooled.off a lot towards me during this period.

Over the past 10 months she has grown more and more. distant from.me. MIL is doing amazingly and is back at work and I am.back too. However, our relationship has never been the same.

I spoke to my dh about it and said I felt like I'd lost a best friend and he comforted me but just said that this is how she can be. We were friends for.over a decade and she seems to.have dropped me because of.my MH even though it has never ever impacted on her and I don't know if I'm unreasonable to be really hurt by it or if it's just something I should.let go of?

I didn’t think Instagram was a place to really sound of thoughts and feelings simply to post pictures however that’s not to say you shouldn’t share you’re thought have you considered doing a blog? Something that can be anonymous but confidential without fear of people reacting negatively towards you.

Both you and your mil were fighting for your lives. And you’ve both done well. Don’t compare yourself. You haven’t lost anyone worth keeping.

It's so sad to have lost your relationship with your SIL, but you can't throw more energy into something you can't change.
For whatever reason she's distanced herself from you. All you can do is respect that she wants/needs that distance at the moment and focus on you getting well.
Friendships do wax and wane and you both probably need to cut each other some slack. Be brave, move on and be happy. I'm sure in time things will settle down and you will be close again.
You don't deserve to have her being mean to you. You're understanding of her upset so now she needs the time to reflect and be more understanding of your illness.

The thing is, OP, is that SILs are never sisters. Imo it's a valuable lesson to learn.

SILs can pick you up and drop you. In that sense they are more like friends. And often like friends that are joined together more by circumstance than by their souls. Like friends you make in work, for example. It can be very very intimate in the right context, but fall apart shockingly easily outside it.

You are going to have to reframe what level of friendship you put her on. Frankly, her insensitivity warrants her demotion to a Tier 2 friend at best, maybe even a Tier 3.

I think you need to stay away from your sil she's made it clear she wants space from you and to be fair you don't need someone who is as negative as her you are better off focusing on moving forward rather than wasting your time on someone who doesn't want to be close anymore.

Whatever the reason your sil chose to distance from you is no longer your concern as if she thought of you as a sister or best friend she would have sat you down and told you I don't like this this this can we work on it? The fact that she just distanced makes me feel like she doesn't care about you.

Don't waste your time on her people come and go even those friendships you thought were going to be there forever. Close the book on this chapter and move forward

X

Your SIL can think what she wants about mental health but you and I and anyone else who's struggled with it know that you can't magically get better by effort of will any more than you can beat cancer by "being positive" or cure a broken leg by telling yourself "some people have to have a leg amputated so I should think myself lucky". Your feelings of guilt around this were probably exacerbated by the MH crisis you were going through and SIL made that worse with her posts - if anyone should have a long hard think about what they post on social media, it's her. You posted some stuff about how you are feeling, not aimed at her at all, and SIL got offended - but she posted nasty stuff about people (over)sharing on social media when her SIL who was going through a breakdown was posting about it in social media. That's far worse! Kicking you when you're down! And using the fact that your MIL is suffering from cancer as a justification for why she was angry - I can't imagine your MIL would have been happy to know that her illness - her illness, not her daughter's- was being used as an excuse for why it's OK to be passive-aggressively nasty to someone suffering a MH crisis.

Look the main thing is - your SIL is not acting like a friend to you, so don't count her as a friend, and don't expect her to be nice or out yourself in situations where you would have to rely on her being nice. You're good with your MIL, who is a good egg, who has the compassion to be able to acknowledge that even when she is going through hell, there are also other people suffering - it's a pity her daughter never learnt that lesson off her, as it would make her a whole lot better at her job. But as I say, you and MIL are solid and that's all that really matters.

You are going to have to reframe what level of friendship you put her on. Frankly, her insensitivity warrants her demotion to a Tier 2 friend at best, maybe even a Tier 3.

Pretty much that. She's sounded off about what she thinks of mh problems, clear as a bell. It's difficult to come back from a broken friendship. You've tried, offering her favourite food etc, now take a step back, she's made her feelings clear and you don't have to keep trying with her. It's sad, but you can't force her to be round you.