How to get over an inappropriate crush?

[RosieLancs]

I really need some straight talking and advice on how to get over a silly crush.

I'm a 38 year old woman ffs but I cannot get this guy off my mind.
Basically we've volunteered at the same community meal once a week for the last year and a half and gradually built up a friendship there and over social media.
I've always found him an interesting man but it's only recently I've developed feelings.

I've been going through a very difficult time in my personal life these last few months and he has been an absolute rock to me, always checking up on me, one night when I switched my phone off after an incident with my ex he drove round at midnight (he lives about 30 mins drive away) to check on me.
He sometimes brings me my favourite sweets to cheer me up.
A few nights ago I had to go to the police station to give a statement about something and he insisted on driving over from his town to pick me up and take me home (I live less than a mile away from the police station).

I really don't believe he's interested in me, he's just being kind, besides when we've been talking about general stuff he's mentioned how he's happy being single at the moment.

I think my crush developed because when he hugs me it makes all my troubles feel better for a while, for those 2 minutes he's holding me and kissing the top of my head the stress melts away.

Anyway, what I want ideally is tips on how to get over my silly crush? I feel like a stupid school girl but I just can't get my mind off of him.
I can't really avoid him as we volunteer at the same project and if I try to distance myself from him he keeps messaging to make sure I'm okay.

Somebody help me, I'm a 38 year old woman with a ridiculous crush, I always thought grown women who developed crushes were silly and now here I am.

It's not just teenagers that get crushes. And it's not silly. The only way to get over it is to let it's run it's natural course, not by trying to bury your feelings.

You are both single. So just enjoy it. Sooner or later you'll be on here complaining about him farting in his sleep/never buying new socks/not using the correct mug when he makes you a coffee. Enjoy the 2 minute cuddles and sexual tension while it lasts.

I am 40 op and in the midst of the biggest crush if my life which is actually totally inappropriate as neither of us are single so at least you've got that part right.

I'm acting like a lovesick teenager and it's pathetic. Sadly for me it's likely will feels the same. People have noticed. I can't do anything about it. You can! Just go for it.

I get that it's scary but your life isn't a rehearsal. Read up on some body language signs as they speak volumes.
Good luck

No idea where that random will came from. That's not his name

Wake up woman! He obviously likes you

He'd have made a move by now though.
18 months and he's single and he knows you're single? He probably does fancy you and I am certain he thinks you're amazing. He clearly values you as a person and wants you in his life. But he's probably not a relationship guy. He can still be a very good friend. As for your crush diminishing, it will do that on its own. And if it doesn't you'll either have to broach the subject with him, as was mentioned, or distance yourself from him.

Don't feel silly. I have a totally inappropriate crush on my postman. Yours at least has WAY more validity! It's not silly. You know this friend. You appreciate him. He's been there for you. I assume you've been there for him too. It may go no further so you'll learn over time to dial it back once you really accept and know that this is not going to be a relationship. The thing about crushes is that it's the hope that fuels them. There's that niggle of hope that this could become more. When that hope is defused, then the crush dies. You've got to find out if there's any hope in this or not. Only then can you effectively get over it (or have a proper relationship with him). Good luck!

I might be different than everyone else. I prefer to take people on face value. If they say they don't want a relationship, they may very likely have a reason why they don't want to explore it, but maybe they don't wish to share that with you.
Sometimes you can really care about someone and it not be romantic. Before I was in a relationship with my husband, I had a male friend and we were very close, he did have feelings for me, but I didn't reciprocate them, we often acted like a couple, people could have assumed I liked him.
Some men (and women) like to be in the role of rescuer, it doesn't always mean it's romantic.

Ok even if you can’t ask him out ramp up the flirting and stop telling him what a great friend he is. Hopefully he will soon ask you out because he sounds very keen.

Sadly guys despite what you all think he really doesn't like me like that.
While we were at the community meal yesterday he told me at least 4 times various variations of we're friends, that's what friends do etc. He was very obviously friend zoning me.

It was a very cold and wet pop up meal yesterday so there wasn't much opportunity for flirting but boy did his beard smell good when we were hugging.

Uggggh I need to get over this silly crush, he is literally everything I could want in a man.
Maybe I need another cat?! 🤔

If this is the case (unreciprocated love) there is only one thing

See less Of them and cut down until feelings fade

And develop a crush on someone else ! Somehow

I'm going to go against everyone else here and say he's a good friend, but that's all. I think it's wrong to assume that a man would only behave that way in someone he's romantically interested in.

My friend had a similar situation with a guy. Very close, spent a lot of time together, he was very supportive of her through some emotionally difficult times, both confided in each other. People assumed they were together, there was a lot of good-natured teasing.

She told him she fancied him and asked him if he'd like to get dinner some time. He made it perfectly clear that he was not interested and so she cut communications down to give him space. The whole thing has turned really uncomfortable. She's desperately sad and mourning the loss of a friend. He doesn't know how to behave around her (he's socially awkward at the best of times) and so every time their paths cross, there's an atmosphere. They were quite entangled in each other lives and so this is an awful situation for both of them.

OP, it sounds like he's trying to tell you something, and you're listening. My advice would be to hold on to that friendship because it sounds wonderful, but stop giving your romantic fancies any headspace. Maybe enlarge your circle of people to depend on. As is the way with unrequited crushes, it will pass if you give it time.

I think my best course of action might be to cut down contact to the bare minimum outside the voluntary work.

I know I'm just being silly, I grew attracted to him because he's been so kind to me during some hard times, I'm attached to the comfort not the person.

I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago. My friend meant everything to me, but I didn’t want to tell him how I felt and ruin the friendship as I didn’t want anything to change.

You know what? Things changed anyway. He met someone who took a massive dislike to me, as he revealed to her he used to have a crush on me. So now we don’t see each other at all.

But I learnt my lesson and when I got close to a different friend I told him how I felt this time and now we’ve been together happily for years.

So anyway, I’m just saying you should tell him. If he friendzones you, so what? At
least you tried and this friendship will change at some point anyway.

@RollaBowlaBall This is a fantastic point. I have more than a crush on my best male friend (he's working away at the moment so I have time to see if it goes away with less contact) but if it's just as strong (and if he's still single) when he comes back I have to tell him.

I can't not, we're very close and spend a lot of time talking/debating/arguing about anything and everything, we joke, we laugh, we tease and play fight with each other, we have inside jokes and according to our friends even though we do these things with other friends, it's never to the same extent (only me and my best female friend have inside jokes) neither he nor I tickle/wrestle or 'touch' others as a general rule (I have ASD rarely allow others to touch me, a different friend surprised me by touching me and I reacted by smacking him in the head because it was unexpected. He never instigates touch with others but he never refuses it because it's rude and he's socially awkward) and there's apparently an 'edge or underlying tension' to everything we do. And my female friends have commented that because we have such an 'intimate and apparently flirty' close friendship they would be threatend by it if the guy they were dating had one like it.

So while I don't want to destroy or alter my friendship with him I have to take the chance because even if I don't take the risk and tell him, it'll change when he starts dating someone else and I'd far rather put myself in the running.

Plus I'm confident that if he's not interested while it might be awkward for awhile if he's uninterested he'd be very nice while explaining it, take it as a compliment and move on without letting it change our friendship at its core because we're adults and our personalities are such that we don't take anything personally but accept it and most commonly it becomes an inside joke and something to tease each other with and he knows that if he says no thank you I'll take it without offence, move on and be supportive of him in anything and any relationships that come up because I value him and his friendship and he would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.

Doesn't hurt to try though does it

@NameChangeToAvlidBeingFound It is so worth a try and I honestly believe that had it not worked out for me with second friend it would’ve felt better to try and get nowhere than never to try and to have things change anyway.

Good luck

@RosieLancs I think you should tell him!! Why not? You could lose him as a friend if he doesn’t feel the same but it doesn’t sound like that’d be a bad thing anyway! Sounds like you’re torturing yourself to me. Life is too short! Tell him!

@NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound @RosieLancs good luck to you both. Thought this video might inspire you!! 💐

m.youtube.com/watch?v=w8JopEnIuEQ

@Teddybearaby just watched it, I'm curious by his combining narcissism and insecurity. It's something I'll have to look into the psychology of that.

I think I deal quite well with rejection, yes it makes me sad and I allow myself a little time to lick my wounds in private after accepting it with a smile in public and then I get over it.

I'm very confident and self assured in my own worth and that doesn't waver on the opinion/rejection of anyone. I also value HIM and his feelings and opinions/thoughts and if he doesn't want anything then I will respect that and continue to be his friend and support him and tease and talk to him exactly as I do now.

Our friendship isn't worth less than a relationship, it's just as valuable and worthy of my time and efforts and I'm not prepared to let that go because of my own pride or 'annoyance' if he rejects me. But I am also aware that I don't want to be sitting five/ten/fifty years from now wondering what might have happened had I told him how I feel.

The only thing that is holding me back is my own uncertainty of how I feel. Having never felt like this about anyone my feelings are totally new and I have no idea what to do with them at all because they're so intense and terrifying in how they're all consuming. I can't talk about it in real life because I'd not be able to tolerate the teasing but bottling it up means I'm making myself feel even worse.

@NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound it’s interesting isn’t it!! You sound like you analyse things - I do too.

I wasn’t thinking you’d let the friendship go or that it wasn’t important but I think it has to be considered that telling him you have feelings could change the dynamic. Even if not for you, maybe for him. It’s a risk I guess is what I’m saying but one that’s worth it.

You sound great! You can’t put a price on knowing your value / worth, that’s brilliant. I used to be terrified of rejection but less so now. I’ve done a lot of work! I still have moments of not feeling good enough but it’s a work in progress.

I really hope you figure out how you’re feeling and it all works out for you. Writing your feelings down or doing something creative to express them can work well especially if talking isn’t possible.

Yeah @TeddybearBaby, I analyze everything much to the annoyance of those nearest to me . I have ASD and it's part of the package. If I write them down they might be found. See I know my value and the value of others but I'm pathologically afraid of making myself vulnerable.

I'm working on it but the idea of letting anyone see me emotional or needing support is petrifying. Which is one reason I'm glad he's working away for a year.

Gives me some time to sort my head out without him being around and then speaking to him in some way, either by text, letter or visit in person depending on his schedule.

He's mad about you.

An update on the saga, I think it's pretty clear he's not interested judging by the fact he will often be online and ignore me whilst other times he's very chatty and kind of flirty, he obviously doesn't like me like that which is totally fine but the blowing hot and cold is really messing with my head and causing me a whole lot of anxiety so I've decided to take a step back from him to give myself some space.
I've blocked him on social media then when he sent me a text asking why I just replied it's nothing, you did, you're awesome, I just need a break from him for reasons I can't discuss etc and offered to still take his son to the voluntary project this weekend if his dog is still too injured (just had a major knee op).
I know that's not cutting contact fully but I've picked his son up in the past when there's been dog problems as he loves helping out and it seems churlish to affect a child.
He sent me back a message saying "Oh okay. I'm here if you need me, okay?" which pretty much confirms I was right.

Sorry, I realise I'm being very self indulgent and whiny. I hate feeling like this, I think it's the first time I've ever had an unrequited crush 😂