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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to get over an inappropriate crush?

47 replies

RosieLancs · 09/11/2018 19:20

I really need some straight talking and advice on how to get over a silly crush.

I'm a 38 year old woman ffs but I cannot get this guy off my mind.
Basically we've volunteered at the same community meal once a week for the last year and a half and gradually built up a friendship there and over social media.
I've always found him an interesting man but it's only recently I've developed feelings.

I've been going through a very difficult time in my personal life these last few months and he has been an absolute rock to me, always checking up on me, one night when I switched my phone off after an incident with my ex he drove round at midnight (he lives about 30 mins drive away) to check on me.
He sometimes brings me my favourite sweets to cheer me up.
A few nights ago I had to go to the police station to give a statement about something and he insisted on driving over from his town to pick me up and take me home (I live less than a mile away from the police station).

I really don't believe he's interested in me, he's just being kind, besides when we've been talking about general stuff he's mentioned how he's happy being single at the moment.

I think my crush developed because when he hugs me it makes all my troubles feel better for a while, for those 2 minutes he's holding me and kissing the top of my head the stress melts away.

Anyway, what I want ideally is tips on how to get over my silly crush? I feel like a stupid school girl but I just can't get my mind off of him.
I can't really avoid him as we volunteer at the same project and if I try to distance myself from him he keeps messaging to make sure I'm okay.

Somebody help me, I'm a 38 year old woman with a ridiculous crush, I always thought grown women who developed crushes were silly and now here I am.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 09/11/2018 19:24

Is he married or in a relationship? If not, what makes you think he doesn't do it because he just happens to feel something for you?
Whatever he says, you can still exploit your options. Meet him at a happier moment. Go to a cinema. Visit a museum. Whatever, just try to get to know him in a situation when you are not "the damsel in distress" to see how he feels.

Original poster
RosieLancs · 09/11/2018 20:40

Hi, thanks for getting back to me.
He's single, I don't think he's interested because we've known each other for 18 months and whilst we have both been in short term relationships during that time he's had plenty of time to make a move!
Plus he's told me before during a general chitchat how he's happy being single and isn't looking for a relationship - if that isn't friendzoning me I don't know what is!

OP posts:
DonaldDucksTowel · 09/11/2018 20:43

Doesn’t sound like a silly crush to me, sounds like you two are totally into each other
Him more than you tbh

Go for it!

QueenViki · 09/11/2018 20:51

He likes you!!! He has gone over and above normal kindness and helpfulness. I think it’s probably your own feelings you need to examine more. It’s a perfectly human reaction to develop feelings for someone who is giving you attention but you need to know if you like him for who he is. You need to be in a more balanced situation where you’re just enjoying each other’s company rather than being rescued and see if there’s a natural chemistry there. Either way he sounds lovely and if the law of sod is operation, probably gay too! Wink

footballagain3 · 09/11/2018 21:00

I would also say he likes you OP. Do you think he has any idea how you feel?

CCSA · 09/11/2018 21:07

Ha he’s so totally into you, even if he doesn’t know.

No guy does those things “to be nice” even if he doesn’t acknowledge his feelings.

Get a nice bottle of wine in, invite him over, play some Prince and see what happens GrinWine

halfwitpicker · 09/11/2018 21:09

So you're both single?

No brainer, surely

Original poster
RosieLancs · 09/11/2018 21:24

The thing is he's been an amazing friend to me and he's like the first person I've ever really been able to open upto about my feelings.
I really wouldn't want to lose him as a friend plus I'm pretty sure he is just feeling sorry for me because my life is a complete train wreck at the minute.

OP posts:
EnglishRose13 · 09/11/2018 21:40

He's definitely in to you. Friends don't kiss friends heads. That's intimate.

goodnessgrace · 09/11/2018 21:43

HE KISSES THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD!!

He's smitten!

Oooooh!

Original poster
RosieLancs · 09/11/2018 22:39

Ladies, whilst I appreciate all advice, you're meant to be talking me out of my crush not encouraging it!!!

We have spent time together other than when he's been helping me, we do get on really well and our kids get along nicely too.

Sometimes I do think he's flirting with me but I think if he was really interested he'd have made a move by now plus he's said he's not looking for a relationship, you wouldn't say that to someone you wanted to date.
My friend Jodie says I've probably put him off by keep telling him what an amazing friend he is.

Uggggh as much as I think he is amazing (funny, clever, kind, also crazy about politics etc) I know he doesn't feel the same and I want to get back to being just friends without all these feelings driving me crazy, it's like being a teenager again

OP posts:
sunsalutations · 09/11/2018 22:46

Maybe what he's really saying is that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone else

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/11/2018 22:48

He so likes you Smile

User3262760621 · 09/11/2018 22:49

Yes, I have many times found myself hugging a woman for minutes and kissing the top of her head. In an entirely platonic fashion.

Not.

JockTamsonsBairns · 09/11/2018 22:59

C'mon now Op, it's time you two love birds were moving things along a little bit, don't you think? He's sooo into you, and well you know it! Wink

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 09/11/2018 23:24

I get this so much OP. I'm in a similar situation with a friend who I'd see almost daily and now he's working on the other side of the country and I feel like I've lost half of myself. I've only been able to admit it to myself that I like him now. Literally woke up in a cold sweat at four in the morning this morning with the realisation F**K I like Max. Thing is I think he might like me (apparently there is a plethora of evidence to prove this) I know he and I flirt a lot but apparently there's more to it than that according to our friends and my mother. But neither of us are particularly good at keeping in contact over text/phone. We're both 'High Functioning Autistic' and struggle with communication when it's not face to face. We do message a little, like once every couple of months with an update/check in but now I'm torn between waiting till he gets back in August and hoping he hasn't found someone else or telling him and risk being shot down and losing a friend. I am potentially seeing him before Christmas with another friend whos visiting a friend who's in the area around that time so I can give him his birthday present and christmas presents. I could tell him then. Or I can ask him for his address (which I need to do anyway so I can send him something) and see what happens.

It's really difficult though because last night at a function I was at two guys asked my friend for my number and they're nice guys and if he's not interested I'd definitely be up for seeing them a few times and seeing where it goes, but I can't bring myself to ask.

ChimesOnSundayMorn · 09/11/2018 23:26

He fancies you. How lovely.

jasjas1973 · 09/11/2018 23:35

Your an idiot, if you don't make a move on him, you'll never know and he'll be with someone else... you'll lose him as a friend then in any case and spend the next few years wondering..... and stop calling him a friend, its you friendzoning him!

Men don't do all these things in a platonic friendship.

Decemberly · 09/11/2018 23:46

You’ve been telling him what an amazing friend he is, he thinks you are friend zoning him, and so he is telling you how happy he is to be single so as to save face and distract from the fact he is totally smitten! He luuuurves you, OP 💘

toastedbeagle · 09/11/2018 23:51

I def think he likes you!!

GhoulMythicalMoooaning · 09/11/2018 23:57

Me too! He's probably thinking the same thing about why you haven't made a move.

JustMe10 · 10/11/2018 00:03

He definitely likes you!
If you have been going through a difficult time he probably doesn't want to make a move in case you think he is taking advantage of the situation, so I think you need to be the one to make a move! 

ShadyLady53 · 10/11/2018 00:03

If he isn’t interested, he’s sending out some very odd messages that aren’t helpful.

Bottom line, his behaviour isn’t appropriate for someone who is just a friend. No wonder you are attracted to him. If you want to keep it as a friendship then he needs to cool off on acting like a boyfriend in terms of the level of emotional support and forehead kisses etc.

I’ve actually been in this situation and the guy was just playing a game and he had a long history of doing things like this. Acting as a “substitute boyfriend”, making girls fall in love with him then not wanting to commit. It was a real headfuck.

I think you need to say “hey, you’ve been wonderfully supportive and caring towards me but I’m starting to develop feelings for you and I know you’ve mentioned not wanting a relationship. Can you perhaps cool off on some of the affection and attention as it’s making me feel confused and I don’t want either of us to feel awkward or uncomfortable because I really value your friendship.”

I know none of this is what you want to hear but the more mental and physical space you give in your life to this guy, the less likely it is that you will find some who actually does want a relationship.

Or...this could be an entirely appropriate crush and he might feel the same way. But you aren’t going to know unless you broach the subject with him.

Original poster
RosieLancs · 10/11/2018 00:58

There's no way I'm broaching the subject with him!
I'm completely certain he doesn't fancy me too, he's just a really sweet guy.
I'd be mortified if he ever found out I had a crush on him like a teenager

OP posts:
NorthenderNamechanger · 10/11/2018 01:08

for those 2 minutes he's holding me and kissing the top of my head
Umm. Mate. Friends don't do that.

Actual advice: ask him out. If he says no, you'll be so mortified that it'll kill it dead.
If he says yes, then wonderful!

(He will say yes)