Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DS school, i've pissed the headmaster off

44 replies

oiiiiiii · 09/11/2018 16:24

My DS (6) has just started grade 1 (non UK). He was in kindergarten last year at the same school, but now it's full day, with full school recess.

I have never had an ounce of trouble with this child. He is bookish, sweet and empathetic. Daycare since 1 year old and always reports of how gentle and easy going he is. Kindergarten at this current school - same thing. Lots of friendships and accomplishments.

Grade 1 has been two months long. In that period:

  • class teacher lost him after school for 90 minutes. Was meant to go to afterschool care; turns out teacher put him on a bus, but she didn't remember doing this, etc. He was fine. It was horrific. I thought he had been kidnapped.
  • First parent teacher conference, a month into the term, teacher reports that DS has ignored her instructions in class since beginning of year, done no work. First we had heard of it - turns out she was meant to have contacted us within first few days, she just didnt.
  • 6 reports of him being shoved to the ground during recess.
  • two incidents of him wielding a stick at other kids.
  • and a truly a shocking incident of him hitting another child in the head with a stone. I saw the stone. It was big.
  • regular reports of him straying out of bounds into the greenspace that surrounds the school. It's a HUGE area.

He himself tells me that the kids run rampant all over this greenspace, unsupervised, all recess, every recess. That's where the "fun play" is. Violence breaks out regularly in normal playing. Since they're unsupervised (teachers are leaning against the school building not wanting to chase after kids who are out of bounds), no adults are there to intervene.

All this has been overwhelmingly worrying. I have been in contact with the headmaster who can't seem to decide whether there is a problem or not. Been trying to coach my son to stay inside the boundaries since that seems to be the trigger point. If he stays within, violence is minimal.

I emailed the headmaster yesterday to ask for how DS has been doing with staying inside boundaries. I mentioned that I had observed recess myself (it's a public greenspace in our neighbourhood) and that what headmaster was saying didn't align with what I had observed. I need to know because DS is earning back privileges that he lost at the latest stick incident, by staying in bounds for one week. The reason I was around the school that day was because I'd had another report of shoving and needed to deal with that... I decided to come early and see what was happening at recess myself.

Headmaster is now upset that I saw recess / watched DS. I am "breaking down trust". I need to announce myself whenever I am near because he's "uncomfortable" that I would observe without telling him. He acknowledges that it's a public area but he's still saying I need to tell him.

My head is so mashed, I can't decide if I've just lost perspective. AIBU to have watched my son while he was out of bounds at school... he had strayed into a public place. Surely it's the school that should be earning back my trust?? I feel exhausted and perhaps I have this all wrong

OP posts:
MrsTWH · 09/11/2018 16:28

If it was me, I would move my son to a new school immediately!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2018 16:31

"breaking down trust"

REALLY?

What fucking trust!?!?!?!

Take him out of this school immediately. They are beyond incapable. They are not keeping the kids safe.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 09/11/2018 16:32

Move schools. They are leaving your 6 yo unsupervised in a public area! The head should be grateful that it was only you observing the children and not someone with less good motives!

CallingDannyBoy · 09/11/2018 16:32

I’d move schools as well - it sounds like Lord of the Flies.

Nothisispatrick · 09/11/2018 16:34

This school sounds shite and the recess set up sounds weird and at worst dangerous. YANBU.

LIZS · 09/11/2018 16:34

He clearly has issues following rules and boundaries, and both his safety and that of others is at risk. Many other countries operate a less scrutinised approach to "free" play than UK, expecting children to explore and respect social rules and physical limitations for themselves. Unfortunately it sounds as if you will not feel able to relax with this approach in which case your ds may be better off at another school.

makingmammaries · 09/11/2018 16:34

YWNBU. Head wants to minimize the possibility of you being able to form your own view of what is happening. You can go to any public space you want and observe what you want.

MyCakeFellOnTheGrass · 09/11/2018 16:36

Move schools.

PattiStanger · 09/11/2018 16:44

Where in the world are you, that sounds like a bizarre school. If you can I'd say move to a different one

YouTheCat · 09/11/2018 16:45

Sounds shit. Just for the fact they lost him by putting him on a bus he didn't need to be on would do it for me.

I'd move him and let any authority know why.

Original poster
oiiiiiii · 09/11/2018 16:48

@PattiStanger we're in Canada. The school is on a large stretch of greenspace in the centre of a suburb. There's another school on the other end of the greenspace (about a kilometre of no mans land between them). Not much fence, which is normal here.

It's such a shame because I think if we didn't have such a shite class teacher, it wouldn't be that bad. The playground stuff on its own I could sort of deal with, kids have to learn not to hit and he's an only child who's never had to learn to stand his ground.

But the bus thing and the not saying a word about him doing nothing at school for a month, I just am losing the will for it all. It's like there's no good news

OP posts:
SuperMumTum · 09/11/2018 16:52

It sounds terrible. I'd be considering moving him to another school

Moreisnnogedag · 09/11/2018 16:53

A teacher put your kid on a bus and forgot about it?! That must have been horrific for you and in combination with the other stuff means that I would just withdraw your child. That’s appalling.

abacucat · 09/11/2018 17:02

Are you from the UK OP? I ask, because if yes, you need to find out what is normal where you live, and whether the teacher is meeting this. So in some countries children are expected to be out at play time unsupervised by adults, and to only go where they are told to.

PawneeParksDept · 09/11/2018 17:03

The bus incident alone justifies loss of trust with the school.

The lawlessness on the patch of land means that all the children are at risk of serious injury and not being found immediately, wandering off and being hit by a car as well as being easy marks for strangers with bad intentions.

That you are being asked to announce yourself like a problem parent for having valid concerns is also major

What is the Canadian equivalent to OFSTED? The School Board? Worth reporting

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/11/2018 17:03

You have to earn the schools trust back. Is that a sick joke??
Can you move schools? I’d move your ds if you are able even if that means moving house.

smithsally884 · 09/11/2018 17:05

I think the posters criticising the school are a little unfair.Chiuldren in the uk are infantalised.Other cultures have much higher expectations of children for example the charity adverts where a 6y r old child makes a 2 hour round trip alone every day to collect water

it sounds as if most of the other children manage to stay within bounds.I think you are seeking to deflect blame for your dc's appalling behaviour

scepticalwoman · 09/11/2018 17:06

These are all safeguarding incidents.
The putting him on a random? bus should have been a disciplinary issue - he's six fgs! And the lack of supervision and violence in a large unsecured space is another safeguarding issue. In the UK a school would 'fail' an Ofsted inspection for these issues.

Can you change his school OP? If the Head sees you as the problem then there's not much hope of things changing.

RomanyRoots · 09/11/2018 17:06

Do you have similar inspections as our Ofsted?
I'd move schools with immediate effect and report them, this is not a safe environment for kids and the management is poor to say the least.

abacucat · 09/11/2018 17:08

OP find out what is normal where you live. It is difficult raising kids in a different culture. What you think is reasonable expectations from a school, everyone else may disagree with. Find out what is normal, and raise concerns about anything that isn't seen as normal.

scepticalwoman · 09/11/2018 17:09

smithsally884
It's not infantalising children by keeping them secure and monitored. He's 6, not 16 - he is an infant. And as for putting a 6 year old on a bus...

Original poster
oiiiiiii · 09/11/2018 17:10

@abacucat The law here (Canada) is that teachers have a legal accountability to provide appropriate supervision during school hours.

In practice, Canadian teachers tend to hate supervising children at play (apologies to Canadian teachers...). Despite getting extra pay for playground supervision.

A complication in this situation is that at this school, ONLY grade 1s are meant to stay in bounds. The rest of the school (to Grade 9) is allowed to wander the greenspace. I feel this creates such confusion...

I spoke to the previous headmaster of this same school (I know him socially)... when he was headmaster, he's instantly suspend any child who went out of bounds, regardless of grade. But the current guy presumably can't be arsed.

I have some leverage at the school board. Social connections. Starting to think I just need to create maximum pain here.

Very difficult to move schools right now due to custody issues, but would be possible next year. I would have to move house. Willing to do it. Sad

OP posts:
Marcipex · 09/11/2018 17:12

What an awful set up, and the headteacher wants to know when you are in the park??!

Report the school to whoever you report to in Canada. Move your child.

Original poster
oiiiiiii · 09/11/2018 17:14

@smithsally884

I hear you, the thing is though, everyone in the whole school is allowed to roam this greenspace. There was an informal rule (apparently - different teachers say different things) that grade 1s only need to stay in bounds. There are 8 more grades that roam freely.

But both the headmaster and vice head have said that they only enforce that for Grade 1s when they see "roughhousing" - it's all very confused with no clear boundaries.

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/11/2018 17:15

It may be a fail in Uk but in other countries there is a different environment and expectation placed on children at a younger age - walking themselves to and from school at 4 , for example. Maybe there is less traffic, a less urban setting, more freedom for children to play out in all weathers, less risk averse attitudes.

I have known a neighbour's young child being sent home on school bus by themselves (not UK) while mother had asked that they were kept at school for her to meet there. Fortunately I was at home when the child came off the bus with my child and , having seen that parent was out, was able to look after them until she could return. However in that case the school was apologetic.