To feel really bad about my son having to move school.. Behaviour related

[JustAskingForAFriend]

So my son went to his feeder school from. Primary to secondary.
He didn't have a great start in year 7.
So many phone calls etc about his behaviour

For the record I have always supported the school and always has a consequence.
However when I made my views and opinions clear and made suggestions. The school never followed through. For example I KNOW he struggles with writing. With no exaggeration he writes like a 5 year old.

There were many times when the situation wasn't just him. Yet I was the only one to get a call.
So myself and dp decided to put his name down for another school. One that has ways of helping him, again with our support.
I thought the wait would be long. However it wasn't. It was 2 weeks.
We are viewing today. And potentially starting Monday.
I'm sat here really bloody sad.
Sad it didn't work out at his current school, where his mates are ( altho some of them he'll stay friends with as I'm friends with their parents)
He's gone to school this morning before this afternoon viewing at new school, not knowing if it will be his last day etc. He looked so sad too.

I know in the long run this has to be. And I know that his current school wasn't suited to him ( lots of parents on the fb page also say the same about the school as me -)

But I feel shot because I chose the school, I wanted him also to be with his mates and most of all I wanted him to be happy there.

I know he's far from. Perfect and just needs a steer in the right direction and not listen to others.
He's then type if someone said ' do this' knowing he'd get in trouble he would...most of which is because he thinks he'll lose those 'friends'

Oh he's in year 8 now. So has had a year to settle.

I think he is being let down by the school system, he cod be struggling academically and his behaviour is a result of this. Why haven't he got the support he needs, top up during. If he's in yr 7 and his writing is like a 5 year old why hasn't that been picked up!

Maybe it’s for the best for him to get a new start thoUgh? Especially if the teachers are automatically blaming him when others are involved too.

Well it does sound like he needs a school that is more sympathetic to his educational needs (have these ever been formally assessed)? But unless he learns to think for hinself and not just do what friends tell him then he's going to be in trouble anywhere Im afraid.

That's a shame if he doesn't want to leave really. Does the new school have a good track record of helping with issues like the handwriting?

Unfortunately, if he just follows his friends then that bit is unlikely to change in the new school either!

I hope the visit goes well this afternoon for you both, it is difficult.

He's then type if someone said ' do this' knowing he'd get in trouble he would...most of which is because he thinks he'll lose those 'friends'

If this is the case then I would be weary about thinking a new school will be a new start. He needs to work on this and begin to say no, a new school with new people to impress and trying to make new friends could mean he acts out even more to try and fit in.

Having a laptop has transformed school for my dc. If that is on offer at the new school then to be honest I would hug them (well maybe not quite). It has cut out the snide comments about being lazy and not trying hard enough. They are no longer the last to finish. They can read their notes. Spelling is improving. I imagine it will transform their GCSE prospects. It is hard but they do settle. Will there be the possibility of returning if he is really miserable? He is also old enough to have a discussion with about career options and opportunities.

I’ve seen students make so much of a fresh start. In the right school for them, challenging students can blossom- sometimes, it is the impetus thy need to get their act together. I hope it works this way for him - stay positive and remember to communicate to him that he can be who he wants to in his new school - he has no bad reputation to live up to. He can reinvent himself as a good guy. Some of our fresh starters - you’d never know they had had issues in their old schools.

He'll probably be much happier in a more supportive school. I know this kind of suggestion sometimes gets negative comments, but has he been assessed for dyslexia or dyspraxia? Or anything else? The handwriting thing as well as the bevaviour might be a reason to consider the possibility of additional needs.

I could have written your post in May.
My son was in year 7 and I chose the school he went to as he older brothers went there and thrived.
He was so unhappy that his behaviour at home played up and he turned into a school refuser.
We were given several warnings from the education department and eventually we all came to the decision that the best thing would be to move him.
He has always had writing like as you said a 5 year old.
The move has been the best thing for my son he isn't refusing to go to school anymore and they have done so much for him.
They have started handwriting lessons with him and have actually said they are going to get someone to come and see him in school to see if he might have dyspraxia as he also can't do shoe laces up and has problems with buttons he also only learnt how to ride a bike last year at the age of 11.
He is in year 8 now and although his behaviour around school isn't perfect he is a much happier boy and things are getting better.
I hope things go well for your son and he gets there support he needs at his new school and try to look at the move as a positive step.

Thank you. I was constantly on at his school about his writing and they said it was down to funding. It silly.
I have a family member at the new school and I know they will support this. But also know how to deal with poor behaviour.. His current school just send them to isolation. In which they just play on their phone!
He does need strict boundaries which I know the new school have
I just feel so sad for him ( but to a certain extent some of it he's brought on himself for things he's done)

I've often thought about dyslexia or dyspraxia but I just get fobbed off.
I'm going to mention it today at new schools

He's then type if someone said ' do this' knowing he'd get in trouble he would...most of which is because he thinks he'll lose those 'friends'

Actually as harsh as it sounds, he could do with losing those 'friends'. They are not friends if they think getting him to do stuff that gets him into trouble is funny.

I noticed you said that:
There were many times when the situation wasn't just him. Yet I was the only one to get a call this is because those 'friends' are clever enough to make sure he is the one that gets into trouble not them.

Yes, he could go to a new school and meet the same sorts of people and act the fool and get into trouble again. Or he could go to a new school where people don't know him and so don't know how to wind him up and get him into trouble. Maybe the DC at the new school will be different anyway.

If it is a school more likely to support his educational needs he is going to struggle less and act out less (hopefully). He may also make better/nicer friends.

As PP said, get him using a laptop if you can, it can make a world of difference to a dyslexic child. My DS had one and it made his academic life so much easier. He didn't have a dyslexia diagnosis because in those days you had to fall 3 years behind before being assessed. He did have a fantastic understanding and helpful school. Oh and since he has gone to University he has been diagnosed and is in the bottom 5% of writing ability for his age! But the top 5% for IQ, so you can be dyslexic and really struggle but also bright.

I think he is being let down by the school system

No.Why do people always come out with this crap when kids don't behave. His behaviour is HIS responsibility.HE is the one letting himself down!

Definitely get him checked for dyslexia and dyspraxia. Children can have quite specific problems that make it difficult to diagnose without testing.

My ds also had terrible problems with writing and self organising but no other problems ( was a fluent reader).

I left it very late to ask for him to be tested. But I can't imagine how he would ever have passed any exams involving essay style answers without help.

Even if not the instigator of poor behaviour he has been close enough to be culpable, and his so-called friends use him as the fall guy. Sounds like a fresh start may be a positive change. Sell it as a chance to shake off his reputation and make progress.

Sounds like a new start might be the best.

Surely it isn't compulsory to start on Monday, though? We just did an "in year" application and were given a place with a proposed start date but we could start up to two weeks after that date.

If DS needs a little time to transition/say goodbye/have a (recognised) last day that should be possible.

Why are you so hung up on the handwriting? Often it's something that can't be helped. As long as it's legible.
My son (now 15) has terrible handwriting. I went on at him for years about it. The only result was I made him miserable with my nagging and pressure and giving out over something he couldn't change. I accepted his handwriting and stopped mentioning it. The teachers said as long as it's legible for exams he'd be fine.

I hope your son does great at the new school. But let the handwriting go.

Unfortunately, if he just follows his friends then that bit is unlikely to change in the new school either!

It may well do if it is a school where he is properly supported. Often children with low confidence do this because they get some validation by being , as they perceive it, popular. Improve their educational support so that their self-confidence grows, and you improve their ability to resist the temptation to follow the crowd.

Maybe pointing out that it has come to this through his own behaviour choices.
It is really hard when they actively choose the wrong path.
(I found repeating behave yourself today or you will lose xyz or her after school swimming was quite successful. But it is limited as a lot of her issues were impulses. We had a lot of issues in yr r which were supposedly all dd fault and yet the improvement when separated from one boy into yr 1 was huge plus obviously a different teacher). It is certainly true that being the one in trouble follows kids through a school and even parents dont forgive/forget stuff that happened at 4yo.
I also think overreactions to minor stuff can then lead to a negative spiral which was hard to break

@smithsally884, don't you think a school system which has produced a boy writing like a 5 year old in Year 8 just possibly has let him down? And, so far as his behaviour is concerned, do you think that the response of a good school should be sending the child to play on his phone in isolation?

Thank you for your replies.
He has got a laptop already but it's running slow.. He has a new all in one pc for Xmas. Hoping that will help.
Roll on 3pm when we view the other school. Hopefully we will both feel more at ease.
And then the weekend rush for a while new uniform lol.

@Seaweed42 It depends whether the problem is just messy handwriting or if the problem is that he cannot compose answers and write at the same time.

If he can write long enough answers but handwriting is bad, but teachers can read it, that is ok.

If he gets in trouble because he can't write answers of a few paragraphs without extreme difficulty, he might need help.

No he doesn't write long answers.
And often doesnt understand the task.
Forming set of homework he had to write a story on how he thought the world began.
He went off and done it.. Well I don't know what he th ought the task was but he wrote the following.
A man went on x factor wanted to be a lady
Everyone laughed and said you can't so he did. He won.
When I tried to explain the task and to help him he ripped it up and refused to do it.

Try Magic Link Handwriting by Lee Dein. I came across her in the FT. Fixed our six-year-old's handwriting in one term, which in turn really improved his spelling (I thought he was dyslexic). She works with any age and gets amazing results. If you are not in London, I think she does online lessons too. No nonsense, straightforward approach. A lot of work for one term though and is pretty expensive.

She is also a dyslexia specialist.