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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell or not tell?

29 replies

littleslummygirl · 09/11/2018 00:09

Have name changed and blurred details a bit but question is do I tell the mother of my DD's friend that she was pregnant.
I found out because DD was involved in supporting her and told me, which in the circumstances was I happy that she had done and thought DD and other friend had done all the right things but they clearly wanted an adult to talk things through with. What complicates things is that DD is at boarding school in the VIth form and pregnant girl is 18., school know, school know my DD and another friend knows, they know I know and also that I know the mum reasonably well. Pregnant girl was clearly not coping with the aftermath after half-term - she is quite vulnerable and is under Camhs and had serious issue previously that school didn't tell her mother about again due to confidentiality but eventually it all came out.
What worries me, DD and her friend is that obviously school can't break confidentiality and can't tell them what is going on with now not pregnant girl but they feel unsupported and in v small girls boarding house the tension is terrible as boarding staff know but can't talk, some teaching staff know and also can't talk, DD and friend think everything will explode and they can't cope with all this anymore.
They can talk to a couple of members of staff but school's attitude is that situation is only a few days old and things will settle down but obviously DD and friend have been dealing with whole situation for far longer - DD said today that 72 hours felt like 72 days. DD and friend told adult when not pregnant girl was in a really bad way mentally and were really worried. Boarding staff are now so busy supporting not pregnant girl that any other issues are not being addressed and several girls have or have issues of their own to deal with - family, study, and usual things that happen when a small group of teenagers are living cheek by jowl.
I feel that I would want to know if it were my DD going through all this and would want her home to recuperate and support her. I'm also naturally concerned that DD is feeling overwhelmed by whole situation and wants it sorted by the adults. I also don't think it's fair for school to ask DD and friend to keep quiet and it all feels wrong that there are so many secrets washing around a v small community to the extent that all the other girls to a lesser or greater degree know there is something up.
School has a history of brushing things under the carpet to the point that parents imaginations run wild whenever anything at all happens and also students seem only to trust that some of the staff are really doing all they should to support everyone.

OP posts:

janisposh · 09/11/2018 00:11

Pregnant 18 year old?

Stay out of it.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/11/2018 00:16

How close are you to the girl's mother? Is it more that you have become familiar faces over the duration of your children's schooling or more that you are genuinely truly friends and a part of each other's lives?

LaBelleSauvage · 09/11/2018 00:29

Why not encourage your daughter's friend to speak to her mother if she is struggling to cope?

If she is 18 I think it would be unreasobable to tell her mother yourself

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 09/11/2018 00:35

Up to the girl to tell her mum I think, unless you really, really think an intermediary is the best way to tell her.

Having lived in VI form boarding house though, they do need to diffuse this fast or it will become an explosion. Those places are rumour fuelled pressure cookers!

Original poster

littleslummygirl · 09/11/2018 00:41

Trouble is I'm involved to extent that my DD was so upset and distressed when it all came out that I had to speak to boarding staff because I was concerned about how upset/hysterical she was. And because it's a boarding school anything gets ramped up to 11 and have in the past gone way off the scale. For various reasons which would be far too outing there isn't an alternative school and they are all vulnerable in some way - so it's not your run-of-the-mill school.
My thought is that school should say not-now pregnant girl isn't well enough to be at school at the moment and needs to be at home to get over mental strain of the abortion and I guess she's feeling very hormonal too and physically not feeling great. She clearly isn't from what I can gather - emotionally - and I'm concerned that school are thinking they can deal with it all when they don't seem to be or at least not without huge fallout on other students. Other students have been sent home for different problems - eating disorders, self-harm - and that is also an issue for DD and friend as they see adults putting in varying rules and yet aren't able to question it.
I was hoping that not-now pregnant girl would have told her mother over half-term and would have not been back for a few weeks. DD and friend are going round in circles, getting upset and crying and friend is quite angry too. I don't think they can comprehend emotional trauma this girl is going through as they don't have the experience. And because the staff can't/won't discuss anything in concrete terms they are at a loss. And naturally not-pregnant girl is being hugely supported by adults which is right but in the end they are not her parents and have a duty to all the students. So am feeling DD and other friend are being asked to get on and deal with it themselves and not mention the P word let alone the A one when in fact it is all they have been talking about since before half-term amongst themselves. Not-pregnant girl isn't in lessons at the moment so isn't up to doing the school work which if it were flu or anything lasting more than a couple of days would normally mean the school would tell parents with the expectation that they would take them home. School are telling the mum nothing - not even that her DD is having emotional crisis or is off sick from lessons.

OP posts:

Original poster

littleslummygirl · 09/11/2018 00:49

We are friends - see each away from school but not geographically close - and hang out at school events and chat during term time. Both have been concerned about how school have dealt with other issues in the past. And yes something will explode. DD is worried that if she is the one to blow then she will be blamed so am wondering if it's better that I take the heat plus worried about how I'd feel if this friend hadn't told me. I think the mum would want to be there for her DD - not judgmental at all and have told my DD the same.

OP posts:

Fruitbatdancer · 09/11/2018 00:50

Sounds like you’ve decided to tell her anyway. But really I wouldn’t. She is 18. An adult who deserves privacy.
If she is vulnerable/ needs parenting then it’s the schools job to tell her mother.
You should flag to school that your own daughter is traumatised and needs support but the rest is not for you to involve yourself in. No good can come from this.

IdblowJonSnow · 09/11/2018 01:02

Absolutely don't tell the mother! There will be very good reasons why this young woman has chosen not to tell her mum. You could push her over the edge. All you can do is support your own daughter. If that many people know then she'll probably find out anyway, but it shouldn't be from you.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/11/2018 01:08

Absolutely 100% stay out of it. She's 18

VladmirsPoutine · 09/11/2018 01:14

Tell her. However, consider how you can best support your daughter. Take her out of this circus for the meantime if need be.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 09/11/2018 01:19

Shes legally an adult !!!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2018 01:38

She is 18, an adult who is legally entitled to her privacy. Her situation is entirely none of your business and to tell her mother is absurd and beyond your prerogative. Keep your beak out of her business. The fact you would even consider inserting yourself in this situation is appalling.

Help your daughter if she needs and wants it. Other than that, wind your neck in and give your head a massive wobble.

janisposh · 09/11/2018 07:36

She is 18. An adult. It's her business not yours.

Bellatrix14 · 09/11/2018 07:44

I don’t know if it makes much difference really, but do you know whether she had an abortion or a miscarriage? I wouldn’t tell the mum myself (as others have said, she is an adult now, however much it might feel like she isn’t because she’s still at school) but I can see why you might be inclined to mention it if she’d had a miscarriage, even if you advised the mum not to tell the daughter that she knew, but just so she was aware.
Abortions are obviously a very emotive subject for some people though, so there might be additional reasons (religious/cultural) why she might not want her mum to know if that was the case?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 09/11/2018 08:27

Don't tell.
If you have concerns about the school, address that with the school with the focus on your own daughter.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 09/11/2018 08:30

@Aquamarine1029 (but so true)

Hidillyho · 09/11/2018 08:39

Have you spoken to the not now pregnant girl? Do you know why she is keeping it from her mum? Most people would say that they would hope to be able to support their children through anything but you don’t really know what telling the mum would involve. You don’t know what the falling out at home could lead to.
It’s a difficult situation to be in. I would want to know but I’m not sure all parents would be supportive.

RangeRider · 09/11/2018 08:43

Don't tell. It's not your issue to share and if the girl doesn't want her mother to know then that has to be her choice. If anyone should talk to the mother it should be the school, and again, if the girl says no then they need to keep quiet.

EdinaMonsoon · 09/11/2018 08:44

Have you asked the friend if she would like you to act as an intermediary & tell her mother? Without her consent you should absolutely stay out of it. She is an adult & your only concern in this situation is your own daughter.

Lichtie · 09/11/2018 08:45

It's good your daughter feels she can share with you. Why you would risk breaking her trust for something that's not your business.

BarbarianMum · 09/11/2018 08:46

It is not your news to share. This young woman is an adult, and as such entitled to make her own decisions. Tell your dd that this is not about her and is not her responsibility.

sossages · 09/11/2018 09:06

A girl I was at school with was pulled out of school entirely right before her GCSEs, just because her parents found out she was on the pill. We never saw her again as she was banned from communicating with anyone who might have led her astray (at our very straight laced girls school).

I'm saying this because you don't know how this girl's mother will react and there could be very good reasons she is not being told. I can see you mean well but I think you need to recognise that not all parents would deal with this as supportively as you and if she goes home she might end up in an even worse situation.

rickandmorts · 09/11/2018 09:12

I wouldn't her mum. I've had one and couldn't/ didn't tell my mum. I'd had been absolutely devastated and furious if someone had gone behind my back and told her because they were worried about me. It isn't your information to share.

rickandmorts · 09/11/2018 09:13

*tell

Member984815 · 09/11/2018 09:14

She's an adult and can make her own choices, support your own daughter and make sure you are there for her needs

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