Large group gatherings and people dropping out

ZenNudist · 2018-11-08T23:59:42+00:00

What is it about people dropping out of large group gatherings? Lots of people assume everyone else will come and one less person wont make a difference. Then you end up with depleted numbers and spoil it for everyone else. Is it just me this happens to???

PickAChew · 09/11/2018 00:08

Because other people have other bits of their day to day life to deal with. Get over it.

Original poster

ZenNudist · 09/11/2018 07:54

Well the latest one that got me posting this last thing at night was A university reunion that has been organised for months and months to celebrate a special occasion. I just received a text from somebody who wasn't coming because their pet was ill. The best of the family would have been perfectly able to deal with this and apparently they're all gonna sit around ministering to the pet for the entire weekend. And the dropping out was nothing to do with the fact that it was actually very long journey. We're all making these long journeys.

Person said see you soon. Thing is they won't we will maybe manage one more meet up next year.

Then it spoils it for the rest of us as we are now fewer in number. We will still have fun but only up to a point if more people drop out then it becomes a little awkward. I know certain members of the group get disappointed once they don't see certain people.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 09/11/2018 07:57

**PickAChew

Because other people have other bits of their day to day life to deal with. Get over it.**

^Then don’t reply saying you will come and drop out at the last minute.

Lockheart · 09/11/2018 07:57

@PickAChew that’s fine up to a point, but if you’ve RSVP’d yes to an event then you should prioritise it.

Otherwise you end up with a situation like my 21st birthday where I catered for 30 people and 4 turned up. I can assure you it’s not easy to get over.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 09/11/2018 07:58

Because people like the idea of it, but then when it comes nearer they realise it's a lot of effort and they have to organise work/ kids etc around it and give up their time to attend and they don't really want to go. I try and say from the beginning if I'm not going to bother with something, but sometimes things pop up unexpectedly and you can't help it.

Pebblesandfriends · 09/11/2018 08:00

Maybe they felt pressured to attend and only accepted initially so as not to appear rude, or can't really afford it/ something came up, or life has just moved on for them? Or maybe they just really love the dog...

LittleLionMansMummy · 09/11/2018 08:02

I agree op. Work socials are the worst. I have to commute to work 2.5 hours away, have 2 young dc, yet made the effort yesterday evening to go to a work social as I had promised to do even though I'd far rather have returned home to my family after work. The evening had been arranged for many weeks. 8 out of 20 turned up last night and even those 8 dwindled really early on. The thing that made it worse was that only half the managers turned up (myself included) and it was very noticeable to all the others - the lower paid ones who had organised it all. You can't tell me that 12 out of 20 who had previously said they'd come suddenly had something urgent at home to deal with. Tbh I'll think twice before agreeing to go in future as I have the longest journey.

JustDanceAddict · 09/11/2018 08:06

Because they don’t seem the event important enough/can’t be arsed/would rather watch tv/think it doesn’t matter if they blow out last minute even if someone has gone to a lot of expense or trouble to organise it.

Don’t rsvp with coming if you have no intention of coming - obviously things do happen that mean last minute genuine blow outs but I always feel awful if I can’t attend something I’ve previously said yes to (which would be illness related - rarely happens though).

JustDanceAddict · 09/11/2018 08:07

I would be a ‘maybe’ if I wasn’t sure though,not a definite.

Theknacktoflying · 09/11/2018 08:10

I hate work functions - they are a chore having to make small talk and socialise with people who you wouldn’t have met if you just didn’t work. Laughing at the same jokes, the same people doing stuff they shouldn’t.

I also blame facebook and the like. I stay in touch with friends for a reason - the others are just passing by or we never really had a connection. I could think of nothing worse than getting together just because ...

It is also that others just say yes with the view that it is easier than saying no and justifying why not.

LittleLionMansMummy · 09/11/2018 08:24

I hate work functions - they are a chore having to make small talk and socialise with people who you wouldn’t have met if you just didn’t work. Laughing at the same jokes, the same people doing stuff they shouldn’t.

Presumably you'd say no right at the outset then?

Original poster

ZenNudist · 09/11/2018 08:27

Glad most people agree that if you RSVP you should try and stick to that. I to know the Temptation of not going along to something because it's just so much easier not to. But when I do go I have fun and feel let down by those that didn't come.

Work ones are definitely the worst. I'm not going for the good of my health I'm going to support the team and think it's bad form if others don't do the same.

Back to my friend's I think they genuinely have got a crisis on this weekend it's a (cheap) paid for weekend away. Kids Aren't an issue money isn't an issue Enthusiasm isn't actually an issue because they would really like to come with us usually. So just bad luck really.

But it's always the same there are always people dropping out.

I have in the past let people down once when I had a very very ill baby and once when I was ill myself. But generally I try and meet my commitments. I still feel guilty for those two occasions.

OP posts:

Theknacktoflying · 09/11/2018 08:28

And then get flak from your manager and having to justify why you aren’t a team player or finding a reason to say no. Saying yes and then excusing yourself at the last minute is an easy way ...

SnuggyBuggy · 09/11/2018 08:31

I have learned to have really low expectations when it comes to this.

LittleLionMansMummy · 09/11/2018 08:32

It's a coward's way Theknacktoflying. Flaky people are far worse than those with whom you know where you stand immediately.

Oblomov18 · 09/11/2018 08:33

I think it's really poor. People can't be bothered? Then don't say you're coming in the first place. Flakey friends don't last long with me!

LittleBookofCalm · 09/11/2018 08:35

because its an effort, because its raining, because its dark, because its windy, because i have nothign go wear, because i have no money, because i am shy

thecatsthecats · 09/11/2018 08:37

Christ, I'm glad I have a lovely bunch of friends, and don't bother with wider, vague groups and getting hurt by their lack of enthusiasm for seeing me.

I had to drop out of a gathering of just four because of work pressure and generally feeling overwhelmed. My friends sent me flowers, chocolates, and kind wishes. Because we mean enough to each other to care about our good times and bad, and they got that coming would cause me more strain than it did relief.

You don't even sound like you'd miss this person, more that they're a bit of abstract entertainment to you - the weekend is better because x number of people attended, not because you spent it with great people.

Cottipus · 09/11/2018 08:40

OP I agree with you, it’s so frustrating when people drop out of stuff, especially at the last minute. The people who do this are never the ones who go to effort to organise stuff in the first place.

I used to be the person who organised group meals then tried to deal with the fallout when some people left early and didn’t put enough money in the kitty, or has to ring up restaurants to reduce booking numbers/worry about people who hadn’t rsvp-ed turning up.

I just don’t do it anymore, I will only deal with small groups of people that I know well and can rely on.

AmIthatbloodycold · 09/11/2018 08:43

YABU in the slightest.

I've known arranged nights out where some people have booked hotels for the night, childcare etc and about 4 out of 20 turn up, generally them

It's not a case of getting over it, it's a case of having a bit of respect.

greendale17 · 09/11/2018 08:55

I hate work functions - they are a chore having to make small talk and socialise with people who you wouldn’t have met if you just didn’t work. Laughing at the same jokes, the same people doing stuff they shouldn’t.

^Sounds like a wedding

Hisaishi · 09/11/2018 08:58

If you RSVP you should try to stick to it. I have social anxiety and it's a real struggle sometimes, but I try to prioritise and only say yes to a few things. As a result, I don't have that many friends these days, but that's ok.

We organised a skiing trip last year, booked everything, and then four of ten dropped out, meaning the rest of us had to suck up the costs. Never again. I keep most things very small these days, under five.

What amazes me is how many people so blatantly get better offers or are waiting for better offers. We are meant to go out for dinner this weekend and a friend of a friend is still saying 'I'll let you know'. I mean...it could not be more obvious that this person is waiting to see if they manage to get a date or a more interesting person offers to go out with them. I can't be arsed with such people at all.

MsTSwift · 09/11/2018 09:02

We have concluded that other people are inherently usually unreliable and have massively lowered our expectations. Much better for the blood pressure!

BombBiggleton · 09/11/2018 09:14

I never commit fully to any social occasion now, because for me there is no worse feeling than having to go out when you don't want to. I only normally know how I feel on the day.

My politeness comes from not guaranteeing I will be there, so if someone is looking for definite numbers, don't put me down as one.

HeronLanyon · 09/11/2018 09:17

On the day of the EU/brexit rally in London recently there was also an important Manchester United match (Chelsea I think) kicking off at 12.30. My partner (huge Man U fan) and committed remainer did say a f ew times ‘but it’s going to be big anyway isn’t it?’ when I was suggesting I could set off alone (meeting friends there). I said ‘yes but only if we do all actually go’. That nailed it and we both went laughing at the absurd truth of that.

Seems a lot thought that way that day as projected 100k turned into 600k+ !!

(Seem to remember Chelsea won in final moments as we watched it much later)