Large group gatherings and people dropping out

[ZenNudist]

What is it about people dropping out of large group gatherings?

Lots of people assume everyone else will come and one less person wont make a difference. Then you end up with depleted numbers and spoil it for everyone else.

Is it just me this happens to???

I think what is coming out is a sense that some people like organising and attending big group events, and others really don't, yet get invited so deal with that, maybe not always in the best way. For those who organise do you give them an out, or do you like on the pressure ( well what dates can you make, I want everyone to be there.. etc). Personally I try and avoid work socials (Nothing personal I just prefer the company of my DH and kids) or 'reunions' ( nothing personal but if we're not in each others lives anymore then I'LL m good with the occasional like on FB thanks). If I want to see people I see them in my day to day life, not just on occasions. I'm not anti social, I would just rather spend my time on different things and 'reuniting' with my actual friends who I see regularly.

My theory on this is that one of the key reasons could be that it is easier to say yes at the time of invitation (to avoid being badgered, repeatedly asked, having to come up with an excuse that's won't be questioned) than just play along then drop out nearer the time.

One of the reasons this situation arises is that some people just won't take a (very polite) no thank you for an answer.

It's bad form, but I think this accounts for some of the drop outs.

of course if you've RSVPd you should try to stick to the arrangement but things happen and an ill pet needs to be cared for and quite frankly it's not up to you to decide whether the rest of the family can look after it. YABU.

YANBU. Of course, some people drop out for genuine reasons but I think a 'yes' often means 'yes, if nothing better comes along' or 'yes, if I can be bothered when the time comes'.

I've known people openly drop out of things in favour of another social event - usually styled as they 'didn't realise' it was on the same occasion.

Yanbu op. If I say I'm going then I turn up!!

But the thing is, when I decline an invitation, I end up getting hassle about "why I can't / won't go". So I can see why some people are flaky

It's a Psychological Thing. By-stander intervention theory IIRC or similar, where it is assumed there are enough Other People to sort out the issue, so they are absolved of responsibility. Annoying though.

@spongbobjudgypants off to look up By-stander intervention theory might explain it. Also i know we like to stay in touch and consider ourselves good friends but if you rely on Facebook banter and never see each other then its not going to last.

In the case of my friend i think its a combo of good excuse and a bit inclined to drop out anyway due to distance. I think he missed the fact that we had co-opted one of our usual get togethers into a celebration so I was pissed off to be snitted.

No harm done. I think by discussing a bug bear on MN you come across as really bothered whereas i actually thought it was a good topic of conversation. It happens so much.

Some people are organisers and some are more passive. No one way is right or wrong. You need a mix to make a good group.

Also to @thecatsthe cats, thats great you have a close knit group you love and rely on. My "wider vague group" were close knit friends l lived with and loved through a really intense period of my youth. Now we are spread all over but for 2 decades we have kept a thread of friendship going. Thats become important to some of us, but can see its fragile. (I am becoming philosophical in my old age . ) What if circumstances split your close group? Do you give up and start another merry band? Good luck with that. Sometimes friendships take work, but as a PP observed you need to show up sometimes and if you dont people might be miffed.

I often don't feel like going out. I get ill a lot especially in the winter. But if I've said I'll go then bar feeling very ill then I'll go.

The people saying they feel pressured to say yes or get hassle saying no, or don't know what they will feel like etc...it's just rude. It's like not finishing a relationship where you no longer like the person, because you don't want to deal with the break up. It's cruel and it's easier for everyone in the long run to just be up front and honest and say you can't go or don't want to. Just make something else up if you feel like saying you don't fancy it won't cut it.

Dropping out at the last minute costs people time, hassle, money and if everyone took that attitude it would be a shit night

Dropping out at the last minute costs people time, hassle, money and if everyone took that attitude it would be a shit night

^ this, exactly

Whereas if you say "does everyone want to do xyz" and loads of people say no, the say 3 people who still want to meet can do something more befitting of a small group, say a cinema trip rather than a restaurant meal that was meant to be a 10 person group.

The reason people accept in the first place is fear of missing out. It takes one or two people to drop out and then loads of others follow suit. Wierd.

I’m not hugely confident socially. I find it hard to hold a conversation in a noisy venue with someone who isn’t a really close friends. I used to do that stuff years ago and not really enjoy it unless I’d had loads to drink so didn’t give a shit, but can’t think of anything worse now. I will attend family occasions and that’s it really. For friends, I would rather go for a meal with one or two other people and have a good natter. Large group events make me shudder so I wouldn’t accept but I can see how someone a bit younger might feel forced into accepting and then regret it especially with work things.

@CurlyhairedAssassin thats all fine. Im not at an age where we can use the excuse that we dont know any better. Im talking about people in their mid 30s to 50s who drop out having said yes. And its always the same people who do it. And its endemic. Reckon im just unpopular. I have some friends who can muster a big group but i struggle.

Nah, that’s just bad manners! Do you enjoy large group things yourself? I couldn’t muster a large group but as I’ve said, I wouldn’t want to. Guess it’s only an issue if you’re the life and soul and enjoy large gatherings.