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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when does someone stop deserving slack for being a troubled soul and simply deserve being left for being a plain old fashioned bastard?

52 replies

bluetrampolines · 08/11/2018 22:40

Ive intentionally posted in aibu ratger than relationships because i figure this is a busy place and you will all have an idea that could help me understand.

When does someone stop deserving slack for being a troubled soul and simply deserve being left for being a plain old fashioned bastard?

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 08/11/2018 23:38

I’m absolutely sure my mother in law has narcisttic personality disorder. She really cannot see things from another’s point of view and expects adoration from people. She isn’t a very nice person to be honest. It is one of the hardest to treat because the person cannot see that they have done anything wrong. She is quite a lonely person.

manicinsomniac · 08/11/2018 23:39

You might want to rethink the title on this! I was prepared to be really angry and offended and instead see you have a valid, real life concern about a personal relationship.

To answer your title - A person with a personality disorder is not a bastard. Some bastards will have personality disorders but the majority will not. Equating a mental health issue with being a bad person is horrible. I am (probably - didn't wish to pursue the diagnosis due to general beliefs like your title) borderline. It means life is more difficult, not that I'm a bastard.

To answer your post - is there anyone close to you who could give you an insight? Generally, I'd say no relationship is right unless it makes you happy the majority of the time. But then I'm always single so not great with relationship advice.

Shriek · 08/11/2018 23:45

Someone who got a PD suffers as a result, an abuser makes someone else suffer to gain control and power

CottonTailRabbit · 08/11/2018 23:47

It doesn't matter from the point of view of the victim. It only matters to the offender and it only matters to them if they want to change behaviours.

Let's say someone often drops a bucket of dirty water on my head from an upstairs window when I walk past a particular house. I could wonder about whether the person has a personality disorder or is just a cock. While I might wonder about their motivation, I sure as hell won't keep walking under that window.

Let's say a doctor comes along and explains very convincingly that the water chucker has a personality disorder, is a very troubled person and needs a lot of support. Do I say oh OK then, I'll keep walking under the window? Nope. I still cross the road to avoid it.

Original poster
bluetrampolines · 08/11/2018 23:55

Wow. Manic. I'm very interested. If you dont mind me asking what do you experience that would be different than someone without your 'diagnosis' (for want of a better word).

OP posts:
Shriek · 08/11/2018 23:58

This doesn't sound anything like the title.

What's with the police OP? Has he hurt you? Been threatening? Do you feel scared?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 09/11/2018 00:00

Someone who got a PD suffers as a result, an abuser makes someone else suffer to gain control and power

That isn’t strictly true

Those with PD do at times abuse to gain control and power

I wouldn’t say an abuser doesn’t necessarily suffer some feel guilt and are self destructive

PD’s are so complex to deal with (as is abuse)

Shriek · 09/11/2018 00:05

Abusers take it out on others is the point, to gain power and control by coercion.
If someone with PD is doing that, then they're a abuser, with pd

Shriek · 09/11/2018 00:06

Misogyny fuels abuse. Please keep talking to WA with your concerns, they will have the answers you need.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 09/11/2018 00:10

I thought PDs tended to be a result of an abusive upbringing?
If someone is abusing you then it doesn’t matter if it’s through choice or a PD or mental health problem. There is only so much slack you can cut someone and sometimes you need to protect yourself regardless of whether or not the person treating you badly is necessarily ultimately to blame for their own behaviour.

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 00:27

I was married to a man with bipolar disorder (not a PD but obviously affected his behaviour) he became an abuser. He did not begin as an abuser ... haven't worked out exactly what but there was a trigger somewhere. It took me an awful long time to realise because EVERYONE including services were cutting him slack due to it. By the time I left it was very clear cut.. plenty of people with bipolar manage not to assault their wife in front of their kids

In the end it didn't matter why it was happening... it was abuse. I was being abused. My child was being emotionally abused.

I now think he's an utter cunt as I know others who suffer bipolar disorder who are not cunts to their families. Yes there are difficulties and yes it's hard... but they're not cunts.

Girlfrommars77 · 09/11/2018 00:45

What manicsomniac said. I have a personality disorder. I don’t behave in a way that harms other people.

I hope my friends and family understand and love me.

The person you are speaking about may have a mental illness and need help. If they are harming you emotionally or mentally because of their illness then you need to seek your own help

DC18 · 09/11/2018 00:46

I have borderline personality disorder and sometimes my reaction can be more extreme or emotional as I intend because I struggle to regulate emotions. My pd is a result of complex trauma from an abusive childhood so i often model behaviour I have seen which is unacceptable when angry (I.e smashing things) that bring said I am in control enough to not hurt anyone no matter how much is the impulse is there. I can control myself as I know right from wrong. PD is a contributing factor but certainly not justification or excise for abusive behaviour

Shriek · 09/11/2018 00:48

DC18 sorry for your experiences. It doesnt make you abusive as you say. There's the difference.

Original poster
bluetrampolines · 09/11/2018 10:17

If you have PD how did you find out?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 09/11/2018 10:32

“He in no way excused his behaviour because of course he did not think his behaviour was wrong.”

He sounds like an abuser.

People with some PDs have certain (in layperson’s terms) paranoiac trains of thought hardwired into the brain. It’s extremely easy for another person to trigger these fears through perfectly everyday behaviour, and to a PD sufferer without insight, they view the other person as having behaved unpleasantly or in a way that disregards their feelings, and they view their own reaction to it as a reasonable response to a perceived insult.

But that doesn’t make people violent in itself. If he’s reacting with violence to him feeling hurt because you (for ex) haven’t returned a call or want to see friends- then that’s because he’s a abusive in addition to having a personality disorder.

Fisharesexy · 09/11/2018 10:49

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had a chaotic and miserable child with a mentally ill father, who has ruined my family.
I still get angry at people who still excuse his behaviour, because of his issues.
I have never been nasty, cruel, abusive etc.
It is not an excuse.
My dad was ill, but he was also a f**King a$$hole, who was deliberately cruel.
Abuse is abuse, never use mental health issues as a reason to excuse it.

Original poster
bluetrampolines · 09/11/2018 17:15

I guess im still struggling with the 'why does he do that?' question. No matter how much I read I just can't make it make sense.

OP posts:
Shriek · 09/11/2018 17:18

Have you got lundy's book with that very title?
It's excellent, makes it very clear.

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 17:29

You can go mad yourself trying to figure out why abusers abuse you or others

You can't make sense of what is just fucked up and undeserved

I have wasted several years trying to answer that question before now. I can't understand what isn't understandable (you can't either)

Shriek · 09/11/2018 17:36

Power and control is all they're after, and do anything evil and 'caring' (coerce) to get it

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 09/11/2018 17:37

I think if you are being hurt or are unhappy in a relationship then whatever the reason you need to leave. I know it's not easy, especially if that person is ill or on pain, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself for them.

Original poster
bluetrampolines · 09/11/2018 18:50

Yes I've read Lundy's book. Lots. I read it and it makes sense, whilst I'm reading it. But i cant retain the information. I had another solicitors letter today. We have been apart for years and he is still trying to run the show. I dont understand what he gets out of the control he perceives he has.

OP posts:
hazell42 · 09/11/2018 19:04

When they prefer being a troubled soul with people sypporing them to helping themselves. I stayed with my husband for 5 years after I knew it was over because he was depressed. The penny finally dropped after he he had been taking anti depressants for a month, saw a massive improvement in his mood and then stopped taking them in a whim because he didn't like tablets. And never mind me and his four kids who had been wearing tin helmets for years because of his moods.
Came to realise he preferred misery and I left him to it.

bluejelly · 09/11/2018 19:12

I think it's very difficult to understand if you're not wired like that. I seriously wouldn't bother trying. Save your energy for more rewarding pursuits!

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