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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU asking for 72 hours advance warning before XP has the kids?

40 replies

charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:13

We split up about a month ago, up until now hes been texting at 6pm saying I am coming/I am not coming round to see the kids.
This weekend he came to see the kids, and ended up taking them out for the day on Sunday, I had no prior warning, and was left twiddling my thumbs for the day.
So when he returned I said I want 72 hours notice before you see the kids, He went a bit beserk and said he would see them twice a week.
Exactly, regular contact. What days then? Wednesday he said, for this week, dont know about the other day.
Ok...see you Wednesday.
No hes getting arsey about it, saying ive got a bloody cheek.
Ive said by all means rign and ask if you can come and see them on your non allocated days, but dont get the arse if Im busy.
Complete Fury from him.
I cannot sit by my phone for the next 10 years waiting to see if hes coming after work or not THAT NIGHT?
Can I?
Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Wisteria · 19/06/2007 11:15

No

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:17

Yes, you are reasonable.

You need to work out a regular arrangement and not deviate from it. Otherwise life is unworkable.

Wisteria · 19/06/2007 11:18

It's just as important for them to know which days he's coming as well (otherwise they could end up feeling like they're little possessions being handed around and have no rights of their own). My XH and I have had the same days and nights for the past 7 years - obviously helping each other out where we can when necessary but the kids always know exactly what's going on and always have done.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:20

Yes, that what ive said, it was nice being able to say to the kids Daddy will be here on Wednesday, instead of, hmm I dont know, will let you know as soon as i know.

OP posts:
elesbells · 19/06/2007 11:21

72 hours? a bit much really i think charlie. i agree some notice is needed (afterall, you do have a life too!) but i think three days notice is a long time...far better to 'set' days with him, then everyone (including your dc's) will know where they are iyswim? and can i just say i think its great you have said he can ring and see them if your not busy!

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:22

It's important for the children and it's vital for you, or else you will end up being their sole carer, unable ever to make any plans for life without children.

If you can't get your ex to see sense on this you must see a lawyer.

GreebosWhiskers · 19/06/2007 11:22

YANBU

I did this with my ex-h. I put his need to see the kids before everything else & basically lay down & let him use me as a doormat in the ridiculous hope that the more reasonable I was the more likely he'd be to realise that I was better than the tart who'd split our marriage up . When I eventually met dh & realised that I was never going to have a life or a relationship if it kept on I told ex-h that I wanted regular, mutually-agreed access & he went mental as he was quite happy with things as they were. It almost ended me & dh before we'd even got started as he did wonder if it was worth the hassle - thankfully he decided it was

That was 10 years ago & I still wish I'd got it all sorted out straight away & saved myself the hassle. Get a regular agreement in writing if you can. The odd change here & there is fine (say for birthdays, holidays etc) but the kids need a proper structured routine as well.

Good luck with it all.

colditz · 19/06/2007 11:23

You aree being reasonable and he is being a cock.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:23

He said he doesnt know what hes doing from one day to the next so cant/wont commit to set days.
Er, he finishes work at 6 EVERY NIGHT...its not hard for him to decide to see the kids 1 or 2 of those nights?? plus a day at the weekend???
Is it?

OP posts:
NuttyMuffins · 19/06/2007 11:24

No you are not being unreasonable. Ideally he should have set days each week so that everyone knows where they stand.

My kids don't know from one day to the next when they will see their dad again and I think it does effect them.
I have tried time and time again to get him to make reg arrangements but he won't, so I have told him that if we have made other plans when he does bother to ring and arrange stuff, that it is tough shit because we won't change them for him.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:25

I thought I would get it sorted NOW in the beginning, as when i do get myself a life, beyond the school run, if he thinkg he can come round here on a whim its going to cause hassle later isnt it.
Oh fecking arse.

OP posts:
elesbells · 19/06/2007 11:30

do you know i hate it when ex's do this...you try your best to sort out the kids welfare and they put a spanner in the works!! set the days yourself and tell him what they are..dont deviate from it...and tell him he will be the one who lets the kids down if he doesnt come!

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:32

God help him if he doesnt turn up when hes said he will.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:41

charliecat - point out that children always come first, before social engagements. You really don't want your children growing up with their father only seeing them if nothing better has cropped up for the evening.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:46

The thing isd hes not actually DOING anthing else. Except leaving us dangling off a string.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:53

Well, that is unreasonable in the extreme.

You and the children are not at his disposal to be picked up and put down on a whim.

Did he treat you this way when you lived as a family?

bookwormmum · 19/06/2007 12:05

My XP was like this so I told him if he'd arranged to come around, he jolly well had to come around (barring unexpected death, disesase or famine scenarios), let me know if he wasn't or not expect me to co-operate for future contact time. He decided that this was too much for me to ask and opted not to come around at all in the end. That's not what you want (I'm guessing) but at the same time you don't want to be walked over. Is it possible for him to collect your LOs from one activity a week and then see them for a day at the weekend? Having to collect them from a third-party might make him realise that things can't be shifted around for his convenience or opt out of the responsibility altogether. You don't have to be totally rigid as regards childcare but it's worth having some rules set down if he's likely to want to change things to suit himself as he goes along.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 12:33

Anna888, I was the only person he didnt let down/forget to meet/phone/lose all contact with etc
Ive always been the one pickingup kids/dropping them off/taking to partys so its never been as issue.
I think the lack of formal arrangement, or unwillingness to commit to a day or two in advance may be him holding onto a teeny bit of control.
If he doesnt tell me when hes coming, and im sitting there waiting for him to text before I can go anywhere....
I dont think he will lose contact with them

Hes just, throwing a spanner as someone said.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 19/06/2007 12:36

I think that the 72 hours notice thing was the wrong path to go down. I know you only said it because of his attitude at the moment but it would drive me mad if I was in his position;

I just think you need to, as others have said, let him know that the kids NEED to know with certainty when they're going to see him and when they're not. I would present it to him as "you can always phone and see if we're in, any day you like; but don't get cross if we're out. But we will keep like clockwork to your arranged days".

I think that's totally reasonable and he is being unreasonable if he finds that difficult. I DO understand though, him finding the 72 hours notice thing unreasonable.

It is an incredibly emotive thing this, though. Ringing your ex to 'ask' to see your own kids puts both ex partners in a guaranteed difficult and blood-pressure-raising position.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 12:39

HG, I am totally up for him seeing them 2, 3 4 5 6 times a week. If I know. If im not left hanging till 30 mins before he will turn up to know or not.

OP posts:
mozhe · 19/06/2007 12:44

Yes....yabu. It sounds to me as if you are focusing on what YOU want.....does it matter to DCs if daddy pitches up to take them out ? And why 72 hrs...?

HonoriaGlossop · 19/06/2007 12:44

That's great charlie. I just think asking for 72 hours notice would be a hard thing for any parent to hear......but you couldn't be much more accommodating so I'd stick to your guns. It's not too much to ask for him to commit to days, if his working pattern is so regular!

helenhismadwife · 19/06/2007 12:45

you are not being unreasonable at all, routine and stability is important for your dc. It sounds to me that he wants to have some control over you and your childrens lives. If he wont agree then can you perhaps go to mediation or a solicitor so that it can be sorted out officially

HonoriaGlossop · 19/06/2007 12:47

I think most kids benefit from a bit of certainty in the early days, and this split is very recent. I did think though that if he won't commit to days, you can simply take the view that he can come when he likes, any day, but if he hasn't arranged it then you may not be in. Don't wait for him if you have other things.

I can see one possible pitfall though with this, that if the kids want to see dad they may refuse to come out and about in the hopes that he'll come; if he does, great, if he doesn't, well they are no doubt crushed and disappointed!

I think certainty gives kids in this position a bit of much needed security, personally.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 12:50

mozhe, why does it matter because I MIGHT want to be doing something else. And because 72 hours gives me time to sort out things with ohter people, gives them time to arrange babysitters etc.

OP posts: