AIBU asking for 72 hours advance warning before XP has the kids?

[charliecat]

We split up about a month ago, up until now hes been texting at 6pm saying I am coming/I am not coming round to see the kids.
This weekend he came to see the kids, and ended up taking them out for the day on Sunday, I had no prior warning, and was left twiddling my thumbs for the day.
So when he returned I said I want 72 hours notice before you see the kids, He went a bit beserk and said he would see them twice a week.
Exactly, regular contact. What days then? Wednesday he said, for this week, dont know about the other day.
Ok...see you Wednesday.
No hes getting arsey about it, saying ive got a bloody cheek.
Ive said by all means rign and ask if you can come and see them on your non allocated days, but dont get the arse if Im busy.
Complete Fury from him.
I cannot sit by my phone for the next 10 years waiting to see if hes coming after work or not THAT NIGHT?
Can I?
Am i being unreasonable?

No, its reasonable to try and set contact days / times of phone calls etc.

If he wants to see them on top of that at other times and calls at hte last minute, he has to accept that you might have plans.

If you'd known he was having them on Sunday, you could ha ve made plans with friends etc.

ITs better fro the children to know when they are seeing their dad too.

YANBU

I have had this in the past and now xh chooses 2 day s in the week that suit all of us and then 1 day at the w/e.Its not always the same days though

Have been having the phone put down on me all night by him.
I said Can you explain what it is im doing thats soooooo wrong?
He said Your asking me to make regular arrangements to see my kids.
Duh.

And somewhere in the milddle he mentioned taking me to court. And then put the phone down.
And I texted saying and what do you think a court would do? ARRANGE REGULAR DAYS.

Feck me whack me with the thick stick.

Keep a record of what you've said and tried to arrange with him Charliecat.

Your ex is being a twit.

You, your children and he need to have a sensible arrangement. If he can't see this past his twisted knickers then I suggest you just be 'out' whenever he calls and get yourself sorted with some advice from the CAB or a family law specialist as to setting up structured contact as soon as you can.

Agnes

this is where splits are soooo hard.

If I had to 'apply' to my husband to ask if I may see my son on such and such a day, it would drive me absolutely demented.

Charlie, I'm not getting at you, I realise you are not trying to withold contact; it's just that feeling of going from being a parent who can (if they want!) be with their kids 24/7 to having to arrange it...it is pretty brutal.

It's not good for any couple in a split to have the sort of arrangement where one partner can 'expect' to be able to go 'round whenever they want to. The original poster has a life to get on with, and even if that only involves time to get used to being single and fitting everything in right now. To feel like you have to wait on the whims of another person is out of order. This is why structured access is vitally important, and his derision of it is what made me personally call him a twit.

I think that 72 hours notice might be a bit much, but I think that 24 hours at the very least is polite.

Agnes

Hope it's not too dramatic agnes!

HG yes he did say put the shoe on the other foot, yes I can appreciate that, but I also feel that ringing just as your leaving work every night is not on.
And I did ask if he had anything better to do on the nights he said he wasnt coming and he said no.
So it was literally as and when he felt like it, and I feel that if I have warning I can maybe go swimming or to the cinema, or meet someone for coffee, but I need time to arrange that.
He will of course have the other ngihts of the week to do the same himself, I have 2 kids in the house, I do not have that freedom.
He said he didnt want any arguing tommrow. I said pick them up then.
He said i dont want you going out tommorow. I said Er, I think youll find it will be You going out, with them NOT ME?
So I do think a lot of this is about losing control, and me possibly getting a life, rather than anything else.
Oh am I rambling???

HG, it'll be all show and bluster I hope. We've had enough floods for this year.

Charliecat. Your ex seems to have problems with the concept of being an ex. An illustration in the form of a solicitors letter would be an excellent start. Get thee to a CAB or similar and document all dealings with this male. Offer structured contact, if he refuses it document that as well. It's not good for you or your kids to be left dangling on a daily basis over the whims of a man who seems to be hell bent on controlling that which he has no right to control.

Agnes

blimey charlie. It is hard isn't it...but as you said in your original post, it is only a month and you are all feeling your way here.

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

But as Anniemac says, it's all a question of tone and emphasis. Depending on the attitude on one side and tone on the other, anything can be made ot look reasonable or unreasonable.

Regular, predictable contact is what's best for the children. Irregular sporadic contact is bad - possibly worse than no contact at all, depending on all the other variable factors.

Most adults know that tbh. It's so often a control issue, rather than a contact issue per se.

Charliecat, your ex sounds like mine. He left to live in his own flat, but then thought he could just walz in without letting me know, and without knocking (because after all it was still his house - yes he was helping to pay the mortgage at the beginning until finances were sorted out, but it was no longer his HOME!) I had to ask my solicitor to write to him in the end.

With your ex, he expects to come into your home to visit his children, and also expects you to be there to entertain him at the same time. He needs to know for sure this is NOT ON. You did the right thing in letting him know it is him who will be going out with the children. He is having contact with them and not with you.

I'm not sure about the 72 hour thing, tbh, I would prefer (if it was me) to have set days every week and maybe alternate weekends. That way, you can make arrangements for yourself on the days/nights when you don't have the children. As others have said though, it is still very early days. You do what you need to do to suit yourself and your children. He is being offered reasonable contact, if he doesn't want to accept it, tough on him.

Good luck