AIBU and WWYD?

[somethingunsualcauseicanthink]

Sorry Long
The basic is myself and my elder sister have had a massive fallout, its not a NC reason, its just because we are 2 very different people and to be honest it has gotten to the stage that I am not sure what the fuck it was about. That was 9 months or so ago, but we can go months without speaking and also after arguments everything has been aired and we go back to our corners.

Since then I and my family (DP and DS) have been through a massive stressful period, we moved twice in a very short amount of time, been so skint we can't afford food that sort of thing, but now we are back to being roughly even and to be fair the rest of my family have supported me.

That is just background, I texted my mum after the first move didn't think anything about it, till I got a notification on whatsapp family group, where she was really horrible about me, my parenting style and saying how sorry she felt for my DS, followed by a message from my elder sister stating roughly the same.

My other sister popped up stating that I could see this and to fucking stop it. My elder sister promptly deleted her commented and sent a private message to me saying sorry. By that point I was so pissed off I had deleted myself from the family group.

My mother has not apologised and just said she was a tad drunk.

It has now come to Christmas and they all want us round to celebrate, which I am not up for and have said so. The answer seems to be that my DS (age 6) goes, which considering my mum and my elder sister option of me and my life is not something I want him to be around.

But then I feel bad because my other sister is going to miss out, he has no idea of what has happened, and he loves his family, my partner doesn't have any family so this is it.

My partner is dead against it, but has also left the ball in my court.

If you have made it this far thanks.

TL;DR Sister and Mother slagged me off do I let DS go round for Christmas

If you don’t want the rift to go wider I would be the bigger person, go round and let it be water under the bridge.

I wouldn't be sending my DS into that shitfest alone! Christmas = stress/alcohol/family rifts being blown wide open. . .

I can understand why you're feeling so hurt, that's pretty horrible.

For myself, if I really thought I could manage it, and they could manage it, civilly and in a mature manner, I'd say we'd pop around for a couple of hours in the morning (before everything really has a chance to kick off). But not for the whole day.

Errr why the fuck should you send your child over on Christmas day? He is 6 years old he spends Christmas with you and his father and he will have a grand time. He is not a toy, if your mother and sister are rude to you then why the heck should they get to enjoy spending time alone with your son?

No. He stays with you. Other sister is welcome to visit yours if she would like to see him.

Nope! Christmas at home, let them bitch. Offer your nice sister to come round

Fuck no, I'd invite nice sister around though.

No! Certainly not! You spend it nicely with people you love, DP and DS. Let them crack on by themselves.

Two options here, you could stay at home and ask your nice sister to pop round to visit DS but you risk giving your mum and elder sis more ammunition against you and the rift getting bigger or you act the bigger person and visit for an hour with DS before the drinking starts, leave DP at home and get a text off him saying Xmas lunch/dinner is nearly cooked giving you an excuse to leave.

Two options here, you could stay at home and ask your nice sister to pop round to visit DS but you risk giving your mum and elder sis more ammunition against you and the rift getting bigger or you act the bigger person and visit for an hour with DS before the drinking starts, leave DP at home and get a text off him saying Xmas lunch/dinner is nearly cooked giving you an excuse to leave.

Genius. . . .

I would be tempted to arrive just before dinner, eat all their food, drink their wine then make excuses to leave straight after coffee! They don't sound particularly nice but there is such a thing as a free lunch and you would see your nice sister plus they would probably spoil your ds out of guilt! This sounds mercenary but you will then have money for something else

she was really horrible about me, my parenting style and saying how sorry she felt for my DS

I bet there's more of this going on that you don't know about and always will be.
I think you made the right decision to not go for christmas and tolerate their behaviour, you didn't create this 'rift' and it's not your job to 'fix' it.

The answer seems to be that my DS (age 6) goes
Soooo.....they want to use your son to guilt trip you and give you the proverbial rope to hang yourself with?
I can just imagine how they would twist this to suit their own narrative and feed off it for ages.

I should say its not so easy to pop round, we don't have a car and they live a 45 minute journey away by car.

When it was first suggested and the date (between Christmas and new year) I said there was no way we could afford the train journey.

Since then it has been suggested that someone drives down collects DS , then drives him back.

Sorry I am really not trying to drip feed.

Why would you let your son have unsupervised contact with two women who clearly bad mouth you and don’t like you?

Too that with the fact the place they want you to leave your dc is far away and not easy for you to get to him should you need to.

I’d say hahaha fuck off.

Have a lovely Christmas with you, your partner and ds.

So your six year old son would spend xmas day away from his parents? Ignoring all the rest of it but fuck that for a game of soldiers!

No! Why in earth would you spend Christmas seperate from your DS? You all stay or you all go ( and quite frankly I would be staying)

Just say no.

No way would they be seeing my dc. Toxic fuckers needn't keeping away from him surely? Christmas at home with dh +ds sounds perfect to me.
Send them all a text. ..
Wishing you were here
Not
...

Again just to say its not Christmas Day, I have never said that.

Its between Christmas and New Year

I think alot of it is to do with by doing this, he is missing out on the only family he has outside of his parents,.

One of my sisters, while placid, will not take any shit and will protect him.

If we were there the not so passive comments would be there all the time.

It was a really shitty thing to do to me, but its not a NC reason in the slightest

somethingunsualcauseicanthink no way let them 'take' your son on Christmas Day! The only, and I mean Only, reason this happens is within a parental seperation.
By all means invite your nice sister to spend time with you over Christmas. The rest can go fuck themselves.
I speak from very hurtful and bitter experience, if you let them have DS they will 100% then cunt you off for 'Off loading/Not wanting DS at Christmas.
Your DM and DS need to be showing you they are sorry. And they ain't. And probably never will. Because they are Not Nice People.
I'm so sorry they are pulling this shit on you.
I've been there and am in therapy now and for the foreseeable to learn to live with the damage it's left behind.
I really wish you well

Sort cross post. Ignore me.
Although a lot stays as said.

Your mum owes you an apology. Some relationships are not worth the hassle. I would not be letting her have my kids alone with her attitude. Is your father in the picture? What does he think.
Also it's an impractical trip.
Your partners opinion is important too.
You are still a bit stuck on the idea that mother knows best perhaps? But you are a mother (and grown up) now.
It's all very well her complaining and batching about your parenting behind your back but has she offered any help?
I would offer to meet up sometime before Christmas without dc to try and reconcile and salvage the relationship.

I'm going to suggest something that's not necessarily equitable /fair - but IME life is too short to continue a family falling out. No matter whose fault it was or whether you do anything or nothing to deserve it.

The reality is that families can be nasty to each other (as well as have your back). Siblings fight, parents or their children say rotten things they shouldn't.
But that's your family and unless it's an abusive one-way pattern, (which is different), then families forgive and forget. I find a bit of deliberate short term memory loss helpful at times in these things.

Rejoin family whatapp.

Send a message that says, "You two, Dsis1name and DM name, were nasty and I saw it. Don't ever do that again, DP & I were unimpressed. (There are things we dislike about you but don't share). However I am not going to continue this rift. We shall not discuss it again. Xmas is Xmas. We will see you for 2 hours on as morning and return home for our meal. By next year if there's no repeat, then we may be back to normal family Xmases."

*Add or don't add that in brackets.

It works if you can, to be polite and reserved when you see them but forget. Let DS play with his cousins. Warmly hug nice DSis2, hug (or pat on the should ) the others if you can, to break the ice. Swop presents. Go home after 2 hours so that you don't push yourself past point of wanting to say something. Leave early if you have to ("We're going before you say something you regret again") It'll get easier each time.

I hope it works for you if you try it. It works for lots of families. There's no victory in it, no people 'seeing the light', no deserved and wanted apologies, no shirt term high fuzzy feelz. But there is harmony and a life where you don't chose to become estranged from your family and forever have that emptiness as a result, over what will likely the first of several fallings out. Its a choice I wouldn't make and years I wouldn't waste. Harder to do it later.

Definitely don't rely on any of them for lifts! Look, Christmas is just too high-pressure a moment to deal with issues like these. Why not arrange for coffee (somewhere neutral, with public transport) to swap presents. Then soend xmas at home or - even better - with DH's family!

Why the hell would you send your son to them? Sort but your dh has a say and I agree with him. The nice sister can visit you separately.