Single parent about to drop out of work-gutted and frightened

[Steakandkidney]

Hi as title suggests.
I'm really low about this.
My exH left when I was 3 months pregnant with DC4.
I had just finished my degree.
I was on benefits during the pregnancy then when the baby was 2 months old was offered a lovely job which I took (had awful PND-still do). I then had to take unpaid leave due to caring commitments of disabled son. During this time I was on income support, I still got carers allowance, housing benefit, council tax benefit and child tax credits. I was stable and able to care for the kids properly.
I went back in October. I have lost my income support, council tax and housing benefit, and carers allowance, all of which have closed. My wages are 614 pounds a month (think apprenticeship type role).

An expectation is now that I have to do evening work. I love the job, there's room for progression but I have no contact with ExH and no family. I have a 16 year old who babysits but no one to properly look after them. My DM is toxic and I recently went NC because I couldn't take it, I can imagine her sneering at me having to quit.
Basically, I'm going to have to quit aren't I. To go back on benefits on half the money I was on before because it will mean UC, I wish I'd not bothered going back but I love my job. The thought of being on benefits with nothing to do makes me want to cry. I'm clever and great at what I do, and I'm going to be trapped doing nothing because there is no proper childcare available. I'm such an idiot.
Is there any future here, what do I do?
I have always been of the 'where there's a will' school of thought but have come to realise that as a woman with children, it's bollocks.
TIA.

Fingers crossed for you. And yes, my mother was a SAHM till her three dcs were in secondary school. She had a few years of trying out jobs, trying to find her niche. It wasn't easy, but she found an area of work that she loves and is highly respected in. She's 67 and my dad would love her to retire, but she won't even consider it because she gets so much satisfaction (and money!) from doing it.

Obviously we don't know what career you are pursuing but you've worked hard, four years isn't long and then you can have your career. Keep your hand it as it will be of great benefit in the long run.

The system is fair, but women have children and then their capacity to work diminishes. Hang in there.

Well I put in my claim but I still feel very low about the job. I have given notice but I know they have emailed me, I'm just too scared to look. I can't cope with the complications of it all, I just want it to be simple, I really don't have the energy anymore.
Does anyone have any reassurance?

OP - just checking how you are. Did you open the email?

Thanks bag that's kind of you.
Yeah I'm ok, I opened it and my boss has seen it, accepted the resignation and will set the ball in motion this week. She accepted my reasons. There is no possibility to be flexible, they have done what they can. It is what it is. I need to be away from the kids to be able to think I've found this weekend awful.

Oh, take some time and or or or

Sorry to hear this, Steak. You're allowed to mourn the end of this possibility. I don't think it's the end of all your career possibilities - children grow up and you're not going to stop being the hardworking and intelligent person you are. But in the short-term, yeah, massively frustrating and disappointing.

Yeah thank you. Just feel a bit numb, although I know it will all be ok x

Just a thought, if you are on working tax credits not sure but may stop if you're not working and would need to claim UC? I'm not sure but the tax credits helpline / chat service is usually helpful. In case you could become self employed 16 hrs doing say tutoring and could keep your tax credits and not have to change to UC. Maybe best check it out just in case it triggers a change to UC. I don't know though due to your 4 DC.

Well today I met with boss and returned some kit.
We talked about terms.
I cried the whole time and she did say that whilst the expectation is there to do the evenings I can take my time over them and similarly reiterated that they'd have been flexible.
I feel borderline suicidal tbh. Like I've given up on life. I feel like someone's died.
What if I've made a huge mistake? I keep wondering about asking if they would let me stay but they've already told the whole department so I'm not sure.
The thought of being on benefits at home makes me feel sick, I've worked so hard. I don't want this but am terrified of the instability. I have no friends or family, no job, no life, nothing. Just nothing.
Any advice appreciated.

I feel like I didn't realise how much I've learned and how interested I am in it until I was there. I feel sick at never going over there again after my notice. I'm trying to wrack my mind as to what to do next. I feel sick.

Oh oP, I feel so sad for you.

I can't offer anything constructive, but wonder whether you might email your boss to ask if she would be willing to informally mentor you? She might be able to help you see a route into the type of work you enjoy and are good at. Maybe not right now, but in the medium term? Perhaps she can suggest some courses to keep your learning current. Or some voluntary work to keep on your CV?

Don't feel worthless. You're obviously a grafter. And a loving and responsible mum. Life has dealt you a shit hand. But it needn't be permanent. I wish you all the best

Hi Op

I know this is extremely difficult for you.
Life sucks sometimes.
It's unfair you have worked so hard and because of responsibilities have to give up your job but
It's not forever. Hang on in there! You will come out the other end and because of your hard work and determination you will be able to return to work when your children are a little older.
Best of luck And sorry I have no useful advice other than to keep going

OP. I retrained in my early 40s after being a SAHM for 12 years.
I worked my way up to a very senior position, only retiring due to ill health.
You already have your qualifications. Hang in there. Just another couple of years and things will be easier.

You may find sitters.co.uk a helpful site for finding babysitters in the evenings it is worth looking into as a lot of them are registered childminders and police checked etc.

OP it is NOT too late. Call your manager first thing in the morning and ask her if it is too late to re 9nsider. Explain that you made an impulsive decision to resign as you panicked about doing nights. Said you couldn't contemplate to let them down and thought there were no other alternative. Apologise for the confusion and that you don't want to mess with them but that the job means so much to you and your future.

Say that you understand that not doing nights could cause issue (maybe if other staff have to do more to accommodate) but that you will continue to look for options and that things will get easier when your DD is older and your youngest is at school.

Frankly, if I had an employee single mum with 4 children desperate to work and showing such level of commitment (which you've already shown doing your degree), I would do anything to keep them and support them. Don't under estimate yourself and do trust that others will recognise your worth rather than considering you a burden.

Go for it, you have nothing to lose. Even if it is too late don't give up and look for another such position. You can make it happen and you will come across people willing to support you. One day you'll look back with pride and strength at what you've done for yourself and your kids.

I have no advice OP but I wish you all the luck in the world

If you feel you really have to leave could you keep doing volunteer work for them until you are in a position to do paid employment.

Also can you get counselling for your kids through the school?

You sound amazing by the way

Oh op you sound so desperate. Life has dealt you some poor cards. But you will get through this.

Long story cut short I had to leave an abusive marriage when my eldest son was being treated for a brain tumour. I had to give up everything, work, marriage, financial security to look after him 24/7. I have always worked, always paid my own way, run a business, worked two jobs at a time etc. But I'm not Superwoman and the reality was my son needed me. I was back on benefits because there was no choice.

Maybe at this moment in time you just need to concentrate on getting yourself and your kids through these next few years. You are obviously an intelligent, hard working, loyal person - these are the traits (alongside your qualifications) that will get you a job/career when the time is better.

Go gently on yourself.

Get advice from CAB to make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to. Speak to your company again if that makes you feel better. Make an informed decision rather than a panicky one.

Yes I'm desperate, never felt so desperate.
I'm dying inside. Can't stop crying, it's embarrassing. I had the mental health OT round earlier, she was good. I've got the crisis team over the weekend then health visitor Monday and psychiatrist Tuesday. I'm really fighting to keep going. I'm absolutely gutted, gutted, and gone.

I genuinely wish I had some answers for you or could offer a solution OP

Me too, crazy. Thanks though x

My dd has recently had to make a choice over 2 things that both need 100% of her time and effort. It has been very tough and we have talked it through several times.
The thing is that it was clear her mental health was never going to survive trying to do both.
Once the decision was made things became easier.
She had to have a conversation with her employer and was really worried about letting them down, burning her bridges etc.
In the event they were really understanding and said that they would be very keen to have her back in a year or so once things settled down.
Things can work out for the best.
Sometimes it just isn't possible to keep all the plates spinning.
One thing I am not sure about is whether it is possible to claim benefits if you resign, so maybe get advice about that.

On that income you should be getting a decent amount of tax credits to top up your wages. Am not sure if you will qualify for housing benefit. You can claim 70%of your childcare costs back in your tax credits which may enable you to keep working.
You need to have a look at one of the online calculators straight away before you make any decisions about your job.

Is this a nursing role? If so, there are so many roles which you can qualify in which don't require you to work evenings, nights or weekends. Some will also let you work PT or a compressed work schedule.

If we knew the type of work it is you are doing we might be able to help more. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how exhausted you are from raising your DC, getting qualified and working.

Yes it's nursing. X