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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to Invite them here instead?

33 replies

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 18:18

So first off I'm prefacing this with I'm in the USA. I only am bringing this up as we have Thanksgiving before Christmas. This is also going to be a bit of a long story sorry for that.

I've been married to my husband for 16 years. I've been paraplegic and unable to walk at all for 5 years. We have two children aged, 14 and 12. My mother in law puts up 0 effort to spend time with us and our children. She's not seen them since January as it is. We live 4 minutes from her house.

However I cannot get into her house easily. She is up on a large hill, has not put up any sort of ramp or even a piece of wood and hoards her house pretty full of items and dogs (she has 4 dogs).

We go to her house on Thanksgiving and Christmas and my husband physically carries me into the house. However last Christmas carrying me down the hill we both fell and he hurt his knee and I broke my shoulder.

I invite her to our home for dinner and to see the kids and she never comes. Saying she's too tired. Well the time of year has come she's demanding we come to her house for Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas. I've refused this year. After the fall last year I'm too scared to get injured if we fall down the hill again. I've told her I'd be happy to host Thanksgiving here and she can come here Christmas evening for presents and stuff.

She's taken to facebook complaining I never let her see her grandchildren and I'm the demon spawn from hell. She complains that my parents see my kids all the time. Well 1 my dad built a ramp to his home so I can get inside and 2 he comes to my house regularly to take the kids with him and go do stuff. He's putting effort into spending time with them. Mother in law just sits in her house and complains and turns down about 6 dinner invites a month.

Am I being unreasonable here? I should also mention....my husband is not close with his mother as his grandparents raised him and he doesn't want to go to her home either really.

OP posts:

Neolara · 08/11/2018 18:22

Yanbu at all. Do your own thing and ignore her when she kicks off. You've offered. It's now her choice about what to do.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 08/11/2018 18:24

I would block her off fb. You don't need to read her crap.

AnonyMousee · 08/11/2018 18:25

Yanbu. Stick to your guns and don't go to hers!

She sounds pretty vile.

StoneofDestiny · 08/11/2018 18:27

It's her loss, her self inflicted bitterness and her controlling inconsiderate behaviour. Ignore her selfishness and put the effort into celebrating the way that benefits you and your family - tell her your door is open, nothing else you need to do. She will be a sad lonely old lady (has she ever watched Scrooge and understood the message?)

TeeniefaeTroon · 08/11/2018 18:28

Yanbu! What a horrible old witch, I would be tempted to put exactly what you've said here onto her Facebook page. Let her friends know exactly what she's like.

ShalomJackie · 08/11/2018 18:31

Yes - I'd say on her FB page then why do you keep turning down our invitations including our invitation to Christmas and Thanksgiving? And then block her and ignore her facebook posts.

TheNoodlesIncident · 08/11/2018 18:45

You're a better person than I am OP - I would have stopped inviting her ages ago! That her son and DIL got hurt making the effort to visit, when she could have sorted that and saved you some bother by visiting your house instead... actions, or lack of them; it speaks volumes...

I don't know what positives she adds to your lives, but if that's "Not much" I wouldn't bother with her any more. It's no loss.

Block her and move on, and actually enjoy your Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 18:51

Thank you all for the replies

TheNoodlesIncident really she doesn't add much to our family. She promises my children a lot of stuff and doesn't follow through. 'Oh yeah we'll go to the zoo!' never get a phone call. They used to try and do more stuff but they'd call the day of and then get mad when we had other plans. We are out and about a lot. We homeschool so we do a lot of day trips to places to learn.

They always expect US to go to them. And it's gotten tiring and not easy depending on health issues and wheelchair and accessibility. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 18:52

@TeeniefaeTroon and @ShalomJackie that's a good idea and I may do that! Tell everyone exactly why we won't go to her house anymore! I'm honestly surprised she thinks it is still safe for us to go after I broke my shoulder last year.

(sorry for shoddy replying. I'm trying to figure out how this all works)

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 08/11/2018 18:54

Just comment “You are welcome to come over literally whenever you like but you never do. You only live four minutes away so I’m not sure why. It’s nit like you can’t walk or something.’

Moreisnnogedag · 08/11/2018 19:01

I wouldn’t have gone the first time when it became clear she wasn’t putting in a ramp. Jesus let her stew in her bitterness. You’ve done all you can.

Also delete her from your Facebook. If she’s that nasty, everyone will know she’s bullshitting about you and just smile and nod at her. Your friends aren’t going to believe that you’d do such a thing so will ignore it too. Honestly just let her live in her own bubble of bitterness.

KC225 · 08/11/2018 19:15

OMG. So after that injury last year she still expects you to come to their place -/ is the woman devoid of any conscience? That take selfishness to a whole new level.

Absolutely do not go. Does she know you can see her Facebook ravings? Please, please reply on Faceboom as if explaining to a small child. 'Dear MIL is the above post about us? Because we invited you here for Thanksgiving and Christmas last week. Do you remember last Thanksgiving when carrying me from your house and DH dropped me? I broke my shoulder and he injured his knee. We cannot risk injuries like that again and the steep hill to and from your house is just too risky. As you are both able bodied and only 4 minutes away we thought it would sensible to spend Thanksgiving here, especially as we have come to you every other year. Please be assured you are always welcome here - your loving daughter in law'

Let her friends see it for what it is.

Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 19:17

Racecardriver LOL the 'It's not like you can't walk' made me laugh and appealed to my humor! I might do that!

Moreisnnogedag I will thank you. I honestly at this point. We tried but she wants to play favorites on the other grandkids and ignore my kids she's not worth it. My parents are great grandparents and my kids aren't missing ou

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Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 19:20

KC225 yup she still expects us there and doesn't seem to care that 1) we got hurt going to her place last year and 2) I'm not physically able to use the toilet in her home due to inaccessibility and that has made for some very uncomfortable family get togethers :(

I am definitely going to say something at this point. I'm tired of her acting like a victim and she's not helping out at all. We also had an issue with Halloween. For the past three years we've taken the girls by her house and my husband walks them up the hill and MIL isn't there. This year she messaged me 'Why didn't the girls come by?' Um....because you were never home in years past?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 08/11/2018 19:33

She sounds dreadful, and personally I would be staying in my own home for Thanksgiving/Christmas.

What does your DH think about her behaviour?

Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 19:37

Leeds2 If it weren't for our kids I think he'd have cut her out years ago. But he wants the kids to have another Grandma.

OP posts:

twoshedsjackson · 08/11/2018 19:55

If your DH feels that way, you could consider an "honorary grandma" instead, somebody without their own GK who might like to spoil your DC? (but they might be happy with the other GP's they've already got; sounds as if they are!)
Alternatively, plan a visit before Thanksgiving. Get to the bottom of the hill, then ring her up. "Hi there MiL, we've come to visit. We've made to the bottom of the hill, can you just pop out and help us do the last bit up to your house? Bit stuck as there's not ramp."
As for "Why didn't you come over for Hallowe'en?" "We thought it might be a busy night for you....."

StoneofDestiny · 08/11/2018 20:39

But he wants the kids to have another Grandma

She is their Grandma and always will be. However she isn't acting like one, and you falling over her to meet her demands isn't making her behave like one.

Your DH might have to accept she is a non functioning grandma - and that's as good as it gets.

Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 22:00

StoneofDestiny I think after our talk today he's reached that conclusion. :(

She goes to her favorite son's house every week for dinner but can't even come to our house for dinner once a year. I've had it with her at this point. :(

OP posts:

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 08/11/2018 22:41

Silk purse
Sows ear

Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 11/11/2018 00:20

I guess I'd better update, I've been trying to avoid it and be more upbeat but I figure I'll give an update. This will all give you more insight into what kind of person MIL is. She came over today at 5pm. Threw a fit because my children weren't home (They are at my dad's they go every Saturday. I'm home nursing a kitten back to health) she then tells me she's going to sue for grandparents rights and grandparents visitation.

Well my state DOES have grandparents rights but not for situations like this. So I'm not worried at all. But I'm annoyed and cheesed off now. Grandparents rights is for when your child dies and their widowed spouse doesn't allow you to see your grandkids.

However with her inaccessible house and her not trying to visit my kids she doesn't qualify for it. But this just kind of added to my stress you know? She sat on my couch sobbing and telling me I was a heartless bitch. Husband was at work but I got her out of the house after about 30 minutes. I also revoked her invites. She isn't allowed here at all at this point. And I've blocked her on facebook and blocked her phone number. Husband has done the same. She's pretty much cut off at this point.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2018 02:16

How awful for you. I implore you to block her from your phone and don't give this lunatic another thought. Your husband can deal with her, but make it clear you are DONE with it all.

CoughLaughFart · 11/11/2018 05:58

If someone broke their shoulder whilst trying to visit me, I’d be utterly mortified. Any normal person would be. I’d be making zero effort with her in your shoes.

On the positive side, your children have at least one set of loving grandparents. They will appreciate them all the more by comparison.

KC225 · 11/11/2018 06:04

That is awful. She has clearly built a whole other scenario in her head. Were you able to get any facts/truths across? I am glad your DH has your back and is presenting a united front.

Original poster

WheelchairWoes · 11/11/2018 16:39

No worries Aquamarine1029 I blocked her and husband has said any communication HAS to be through him and she has to ask if she wants to come over now.

CoughLaughFart very true! They have a great set of grandparents. AND I have an older friend (65) who has adopted them kind of as a grandmother does too. So they aren't missing out on old ladies sweet on them lol

KC225 Unfortunately not. Anytime I mentioned she hasn't come to see the kids since January she said 'but I work so much and am tired! You can come to my house!' when I brought up the accessibility issue she told me it wasn't her issue and it was my deal. :/

OP posts:

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