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AIBU?

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Original poster

Xmas bit of an issue

29 replies

user1471453601 · 08/11/2018 17:55

DD, her partner and I live together. DDs partners Mum lives 250 miles away.. We also have a much loved dog.

Last Xmas DD and her partner decided to spend Xmas with partners mum. When they got there they found Dd partners mum had fallen and broken her hip. She is a 92year old lady, I'm much younger, 68. They all spent most of Xmas at the hospital with Mum.
This year I said that I know they didn't have the kind of Xmas they wanted with partners Mum, so maybe they should go again this Xmas and try to have the kind of Xmas they would all like. They agr eed. So far so good.

DDs partner is one of nine. DD is an only.

I have little problems being on my own, what I do have problems with is people feeling sorry for me. My sister, my best friend, my cleaner, my DDs friend insisted I must come to them for Xmas lunch. I really really didn't want to do this. I'm deaf and being with people who don't understand my disability is so difficult.

Now I've upset my DD. I asked what they wanted to do about our dear dog at xmas. If they take her with them, I will slope off some where abroad and thoroughly enjoy myself. If they cannot take her I'll stay and look after her and have a nice meal and be fine.

What I can not.do is feel that these people feel so sorry for me that they feel the need to take me in. Oh, the embarrassment☺. I don't need "taking In".

Having read this back I realuae, I just cannot handle pity. Oh Lord, I just wish Xmas would go away

OP posts:
JanetLovesJason · 08/11/2018 18:01

Maybe it’s not pity that’s motivating them. Maybe they just like you. Or they are generally sociable people. Would thinking of it in those terms help?

SoyDora · 08/11/2018 18:05

Why is your DD upset? Because you asked what to do about the dog?

EmeraldShamrock · 08/11/2018 18:06

I bet you're a lovely person and they want to spend time with you. Can the dog stay in the kennels and you can have a holiday x

Ragwort · 08/11/2018 18:09

I would tell a white lie, just tell people you have made plans for Christmas & stay home & have a lovely time with your dog.

MartyMcFly1984 · 08/11/2018 18:15

I feel like I understand what you mean op.
But I agree with others, maybe these people are inviting you as they like you, and they wouldn’t usually ask as they assume you would be with dd.
Also others don’t like being alone, so they are being nice in preventing you being alone... they just don’t understand how some people enjoy their own company. No malice or pity intended I’m sure.
Hope you have a good one whatever you do 🎄

zeeboo · 08/11/2018 18:27

I would just be grateful that my friends and family cared about me so much. Reply that I was actually looking forward to spending the day in my own company, but thats so kind of you to think of me blah, blah.
Hardly worth wishing the whole festive season away for.

TeeniefaeTroon · 08/11/2018 18:40

If any of my friends were going to be home alone for Christmas then I would invite them to mine, not out of pity, I just like lots of people around at Christmas. Maybe your friends are the same?

Mayishere · 08/11/2018 18:42

Honestly, pity invites are the pits.

If you haven't had one, you won't know.

They suck. YANBU, op.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 08/11/2018 18:46

Book the dog into kennels (they don’t know it’s xmas) and book yourself onto a nice break away

Bluelady · 08/11/2018 18:51

I'm in the white lie camp. The thought of spending Christmas Day alone is blissful.

Twisique · 08/11/2018 18:54

Could you put the dog into kennels and go on holiday? Or take the dog to the coast and have brisk walks on the beach followed by mulled wine? If you are going somewhere they will all leave you alone!

Of course you could say you have something booked...

Mayishere · 08/11/2018 18:54

This reply has been deleted

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MinesATreble · 08/11/2018 18:54

One invitation might be a pity invitation. Four sounds an awful lot like people just like you.

Mayishere · 08/11/2018 18:57

You'd be surprised treble

SuperSuperSuper · 08/11/2018 19:23

My best mate (she has a husband and two DC) has the attitude, why cook for four when I can cook for twelve. She genuinely loves having guests on Christmas Day. My grandmother was the same. Some people just like big noisy Christmases.

Of course, some invitations may be pity invitations but don't assume that.

Fwiw you sound nice so I suspect the former.

You know your friends and their motivations best.

WheelchairWoes · 08/11/2018 19:29

Awww OP honestly? You sound SUPER nice and they probably really want you there! You telling them to go see the partners mom this year is the sweetest thing and wow. I honestly wish you could come to my house. I'm deaf too though so I do understand that anxiety and I get that too.

Original poster
user1471453601 · 08/11/2018 19:32

Thanks so much, you lovely people.

I'm still not sure what I will do, but I feel much stronger for being told I'm not just a person to take pity on.

For those who suggest I might put dear dog in kennels. Never😁😁. We have only had her six months, although she is seven. A rescue girl who was so very depressed when we got her, we'd never ever put her in that kind of position again..

I feel much stronger knowing that you all don't think I'm just a sad old sack.

Thanks all

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 08/11/2018 20:50

How about a dog friendly holiday for you both?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 08/11/2018 21:10

That’s fair enough about the dog. I know quite a few dog friendly hotels in Devon that I can recommend.

Dollymixture22 · 08/11/2018 21:24

You sound great!

Why is dd upset? Does she feel guilty - as you have days no reason to.

What do you want to do? At some point in the future I will have the independent Christmas opportunity. I am thinking a Australia! I imagine myself wandering around sidestep streets in Sydney on chtristmas day, I pity the fool who would pity me!

Decode what your really want - if the pup can’t come ask dd or sister to look after the dog. Be selfish and ignore the miguided kindness of others - it’s the only path to happiness😎

Dollymixture22 · 08/11/2018 21:25

Sorry for the typos - hope the general message came through

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/11/2018 21:29

Tbf OP the majority of people don't want to spend Christmas alone, so anyone that is doing makes people think they have to ask them to come to them.

Go abroad and enjoy some sun!

Original poster
user1471453601 · 08/11/2018 21:50

Sorry, I realize I haven't made the issue of DD being upset clear. I asked what they intended to do about dog (because if they were taking her i would go on a holiday (ohh, just typed "sin holiday, might go on one of those also). When I got a bit teary, DD (who is an absolute l ove) went to hug me. I was still in my "poor me" mode and asked her not to do so. I've just apologised to her and explained why I was a bit touchy about patranisation, not that she was doing so, but I felt ..... Well I'm sure you understand.

All's well. Thanks

OP posts:
Bluelady · 08/11/2018 21:54

No idea why I'm being called an idiot for thinking a solo Christmas Day would be lovely.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/11/2018 21:57

No idea why I'm being called an idiot for thinking a solo Christmas Day would be lovely

How rude. I'm with you Blue, especially a solo Christmas in the sun!