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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about lack of sex with DH?

41 replies

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 13:08

I've been with my lovely DH for 10 years, married for 2.5 of those. When we first met we had a very healthy sex life, but over the last four years things have slowly dwindled. I'm now 35 and he's 44.

Since getting married two years ago I can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex. I still find him physically and mentally attractive and I love him dearly, but there are a few issues.

DH has always taken quite a long time to climax during sex, which means a session can go on for 45 minutes to an hour. We do sometimes stop before then but I feel bad if I don't let him finish. I know he wanks/watches porn so that explain why he lasts such a long time with me. I just long for a quickie sometimes but he's never been that way. I also rarely orgasm during sex - probably due to lack of foreplay.

We both work in stressful and tiring (but rewarding) jobs and to be honest, by the time I've struggled home on the Tube every evening with my shopping, the last thing I feel like doing is having sex - I'd much rather heat up an oven meal, flop on the sofa and watch some crap TV.

It doesn't upset me too much that we don't have sex very often, as I'm usually too tired/stressed to want it anyway - but I am concerned that it doesn't bode well for our relationship and that we're failing in some way as a couple. Especially when I'm sure everyone else is at it like rabbits!

We would like to start TTC soon too as we're not getting any younger - and I know it gets much harder to conceive after mid-30s.

Is anyone else in this situation and what would you suggest?

OP posts:

storm11111 · 08/11/2018 16:08

I would try not to get too worried and stressed about it all because none of that is particularly helpful. And also, STOP comparing yourself to other couples, what is right for one couple is not right for another couple. As long as you and dh are happy with your sex life that is all that matters.

I'm making the assumption here that you want to start things up again so apologies if i'm incorrect....

First of all i would try your best to stop dh having fun by himself all the time LOL because i think that obviously puts a massive dent in your sex life. 1 it makes him less likely to want it. and 45 minutes is LONG, i can see why you might begin to see sex as a bit of a chore!

Second, think about a time when your not exhausted from work and more inclined to feel like it. Then maybe during the day send some saucy texts, set up expectations for tonight/this afternoon, make it all about the fun for you and him.

I wouldn't recommend going from not much sex to 'baby making sex' if you see what i mean. i feel like that could not be the best move. Get things going and move from there.

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 16:18

Thank you Storm for the advice. I do need to put some effort in to spice things up a bit and get that sexy feeling back. I'm just so tired/stressed a lot of the time - it's hard to find a window!

I know what you mean about the baby making sex, but I'm conscious of the fact that I'm 35 and that time is increasingly not on my side.

OP posts:

SushiMonster · 08/11/2018 16:23

OMG 45 mins to an hour? Every time? I can see why you don't want to get involved with that all the time. Takes a massive dent out of the evening if you are only home for a few hours!

Can you think about nice weekend afternoon sex? Doesn't feel like such a chore as you aren't sacrificing night time sleep.

StormTreader · 08/11/2018 16:30

"We would like to start TTC soon too as we're not getting any younger - and I know it gets much harder to conceive after mid-30s. "

If this is genuinely "we" then I'd be encouraging him to stop the porn entirely, at least for a while. He needs to stop for a decent period of time to try and get some sensitivity back so that you can have sex without it being an hour of slog, otherwise it'll be torture to try and keep it up long enough to conceive.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 08/11/2018 16:36

Sorry for tmi but my dh is always ready to go and much quicker about it first thing in the morning!
Maybe worth a try?
And agree to stop the porn, makes for wrong frame of mind for ttc imo.

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 16:42

That's the thing, the thought of spending 45 minutes to an hour "doing the deed" is so off-putting. It really is a bit of a slog! How long do most people's DH's last?

I will talk to him about the porn thing too. He's said in the past he wants to cut down.

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 08/11/2018 18:17

I can't believe you haven't addressed this before. Why? You should have made him cut down on the porn ages ago.

Who wants 45 minutes to an hour every time? Sod that. Nothing like a good hard quickie!

And it doesn't even sound that great. You aren't coming? Are you even enjoying it?

ConciseandNice · 08/11/2018 18:21

That is a slog. My dh is five minutes max. Like you though I’ll never come during just penetrative sex .

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 18:29

If he only lasted 10-15 minutes then I'd be up for having sex much more regularly. But 45 mins is just way too much!

Oblomov, we have spoken about it numerous times before, but nothing ever seems to change. I like how the sex is such an intimate moment between us, but after 20 mins or so I stop enjoying it and start thinking of other things to be honest, like getting stressed about all the other stuff I need to be doing that day! I've never had an orgasm through penetrative sex alone and we don't do much foreplay. The lack of foreplay is another thing I've addressed with DH but again, nothing really changes.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 08/11/2018 18:32

Hang on, is that 45 minutes without foreplay? Just him trying to climax inside you?

Sethis · 08/11/2018 18:36

Wait, I'm confused.

The sex lasts 45 mins - 1 hour

You don't orgasm

He just pumps away for that entire time?

What? This sounds like awful sex to me.

When he jerks off, does he take 45 minutes to do so? Or does he come much faster when he's jerking off?

Assuming he doesn't take an hour to climax while masturbating (where does he have the time???) then a fairly simple solution would be for him to perform on you whatever you want him to do, you get your orgasm, and then you lie together on the bed nibbling or kissing his neck or whatever while he masturbates to the edge, and you finish him off with whatever part of your body you're both okay with.

And yeah, get him to lay off the porn if he's in a long term relationship where you live together. There's no real need for it, unless there's like a whole week back to back where sex doesn't happen for whatever reasons.

SouthernComforts · 08/11/2018 18:38

You talk about a previous healthy sex life.. does that just mean a lot of crap sex? It sounds a bit dismal, sorry no wonder you don't want it!

It sounds like the only way back from this is to ban the porn (temporarily) and up the effort from him!

Yourarejokingme · 08/11/2018 18:43

no foreplay good god no,

is this jump on and keep going and the reason behind the hard to climax is he's doing the death grip on his cock when wanking to porn.

ask him why no foreplay in fact does that not bloody hurt if none.

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 19:09

That's 45 mins to an hour of penetrative sex (no foreplay!) He can climax while wanking in 10 minutes.

I think he's been on the porn due to the lack of sex, to be fair.

OP posts:

DanglyBangly · 08/11/2018 19:20

45-60 mins of penetrative sex? I would say that’s unusual, to say the least.

ButchyRestingFace · 08/11/2018 19:25

That's 45 mins to an hour of penetrative sex (no foreplay!) He can climax while wanking in 10 minutes.

Sounds horrific. I’m chafing just thinking about it.

Definitely echo the PP about getting him to relinquish the porn to see if there’s an improvement.

SuperSuperSuper · 08/11/2018 19:28

Oh OP. He needs to lay off the porn and consider your needs a little more carefully.

Gizzygizmo · 08/11/2018 19:34

Definitely need to have a talk with him about the porn, it can have a huge affect on your sex life.
Ours is quite quick and firey
But my oh has quite a low sex drive compared to me, so I done a little digging on things he enjoys which would help get him in the mood.
It’s made a little difference, not huge but it’s small steps.
Also when I want sexy time, the fleece pyjamas stay in the wardrobe lol they aren’t exactly sexy

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 19:40

What is considered a "normal" length of time for penetrative sex?

Gizzy, quick and fiery sounds perfect!

OP posts:

Noodella18 · 08/11/2018 19:44

It sounds like the focus is very much on p in v here. Can you maybe mix it up a bit using his or your hands or mouth pre mid or post p in v? No foreplay doesn’t sound great, but there are two of you in the bed, it’s not just his responsibility to direct what happens. Men sometimes react a bit funnily to discussions of this nature, if you’ve already talked about it a couple of times I would be inclined to concentrate on actions rather than words. Be the change you wish to see in your bedroom!
Also, feel free to join us on the 35+ trying to conceive board. To be frank, trying to conceive sex can become a bit of a chore, particularly if not in the first flush of youth, and there have been discussions on that board about ‘shortcuts’. The wank and mount approach being one such tactic ;)

Laiste · 08/11/2018 19:51

If DH is allowed to finish as fast as he likes penetrative sex would only last about 1 minute. Seriously. He paces his self to last as long as i need. Sometimes it's a few short minutes, sometimes it's 10/15. If i make him stay hard and playing about for more than half an hour or so he starts to get achey balls. And I could certainly NOT be doing with being banged for 45 minutes or more!

You need to sit down with him and ask him to stop the porn and start the foreplay. In return start to your head around doing it more often and later on timing it a bit for catching ovulation. But as pp have said - i'd get into some good sex habits with him for a few months before you start baby making sex.

Butterymuffin · 08/11/2018 19:58

So it's 45 minutes of banging away with no foreplay? Does he make sure that you come at some point? Or doesn't that feature?

PoppySeedBun18 · 08/11/2018 20:09

You’re not failing as a couple and the rest of us are not at it like rabbits either! DH and I have had sex twice in the last year - it’s just how we are and I don’t love him any less for it (we’re in our thirties). We had to put in a bit more effort when TTC our DD but it never felt like a chore.

Perhaps a change of position might speed things up?

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 20:12

Buttery - foreplay doesn’t feature. Thanks to this thread, I’m beginning to realise there’s more reasons as to why we haven’t had sex for so long than I initially thought.

OP posts:

Ozziewozzie · 08/11/2018 20:15

Does he ask you if you’ve had an orgasm? Or does he try and stimulate you at all by touching you intimately?

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