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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about lack of sex with DH?

41 replies

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 13:08

I've been with my lovely DH for 10 years, married for 2.5 of those. When we first met we had a very healthy sex life, but over the last four years things have slowly dwindled. I'm now 35 and he's 44.

Since getting married two years ago I can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex. I still find him physically and mentally attractive and I love him dearly, but there are a few issues.

DH has always taken quite a long time to climax during sex, which means a session can go on for 45 minutes to an hour. We do sometimes stop before then but I feel bad if I don't let him finish. I know he wanks/watches porn so that explain why he lasts such a long time with me. I just long for a quickie sometimes but he's never been that way. I also rarely orgasm during sex - probably due to lack of foreplay.

We both work in stressful and tiring (but rewarding) jobs and to be honest, by the time I've struggled home on the Tube every evening with my shopping, the last thing I feel like doing is having sex - I'd much rather heat up an oven meal, flop on the sofa and watch some crap TV.

It doesn't upset me too much that we don't have sex very often, as I'm usually too tired/stressed to want it anyway - but I am concerned that it doesn't bode well for our relationship and that we're failing in some way as a couple. Especially when I'm sure everyone else is at it like rabbits!

We would like to start TTC soon too as we're not getting any younger - and I know it gets much harder to conceive after mid-30s.

Is anyone else in this situation and what would you suggest?

OP posts:

Titsywoo · 08/11/2018 20:16

Blimey that's a long time for penetrative sex! It's quite unusual for a man to last that long unless he is trying to! Does he drink a lot or do drugs? Why does he masturbate rather than have sex with you? Dh doesn't masturbate now as we have sex regularly so he says he doesn't feel the need.

Titsywoo · 08/11/2018 20:17

No foreplay? Does he even care about what you are getting out of it?

OliviaBenson · 08/11/2018 20:20

No foreplay? What does he just stick it in and off you go? Doesn't sound very loving or satisfying.

DuchessGreen · 08/11/2018 20:20

If you spend that long making sure he comes, he should be returning the favour.

ZackPizzazz · 08/11/2018 20:22

Yeah, life can get you down, but jeez, no wonder you don't want sex much if you're just being unsatisfyingly humped for forty-five minutes. Christ alive. My DH doesn't come at the drop of a hat, but I always, always get off, often twice, and we would only go for that long if we were both enjoying it. And it wouldn't just be continuous PIV.

I would try and get your sex life more functional before you TTC, because I assure you a baby will not improve it, and bad mechanical TTC sex can kill what remains of your sex life stone dead as well as making you resent him like hell.

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 08/11/2018 20:25

Poppy, good to know I’m not the only one! Is there any particular reason why you’ve only had sex twice? It must be harder to have regular sex with DC!

OP posts:

Devillanelle · 08/11/2018 20:38

The duration would be wonderful if he paid any attention to your needs. Read the joy of sex.

Mishappening · 08/11/2018 20:43

He needs to cut out the porn
He needs to get a lesson in foreplay
He needs to start considering your needs.

Does he truly not realise that banging away inside you for 45 minutes might just get a bit uncomfortable? Are you sure you want to have babies with this bloke?

SoyDora · 08/11/2018 20:50

Bloody hell. No foreplay, 45 mins of him pumping away and you don’t orgasm? I wouldn’t want sex either, it sounds horrific.
Have you talked to him about it? It’s obviously not satisfactory for either of you.

silkpyjamasallday · 08/11/2018 20:53

I think the biggest problem is that the sex you have been having isn't appealing at all for you in the first place. No foreplay, 45 minutes of being humped and no orgasm for you? No wonder you aren't interested, an hour of your time being eaten away with seemingly no benefit to you. He needs to stop watching porn, stop masturbating with a death grip and seriously up his game with fore play and giving you orgasms. But seeing as you've already spoken to him about it he doesn't seem like he can be bothered to change. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? Has it always been like this? Has he ever made you orgasm?

AmIFalling · 08/11/2018 20:58

If it's not a problem for you then it's not a problem, forget what everyone else is doing.

.....However it sounds like it is a problem for you, but I can't work out why. Is it just that you worry become of what 'everyone else' is up to, the TTC or are you genuinely unsatisfied?

It does sound like changes are needed just for the TTC. Maybe try watching then porn together if you can find something that works for you both?

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 08/11/2018 21:01

Why on earth have you stuck around so long? Is he this selfish in other ways? I would not be having a baby with someone so outrageously selfish, it will only get worse.

No wonder you don't want sex without any foreplay, he's basically turned you into a wank receptacle, it's just so from and it can't bode well for the rest of your relationship.

TheWorldAsh · 08/11/2018 21:09

As a man I don't find the appeal of thrusting away for 45 minutes appealing. As a man I don't did. The idea of sex with any foreplay appealing. As a man I don't find the idea of the woman I'm having sex with not getting an orgasm (or at the very least trying for one) appealing.

If I was the woman under those circumstances I'd not be keen for having sex.

Sex should be about mutual enjoyment.

You both need to sit down and have a long calm chat

Oh and death grip isn't a thing. However I'd suggest he cuts down the porn. Cuts it out entirely.

Original poster

smileandrepeat · 09/11/2018 15:55

@TheWorldAsh wait - the death grip isn't a thing? You learn something new every day on Mumsnet, that's for sure.

To those who've said DH is selfish - I think he probably is in the bedroom, but not at all in day to day life. It's strange.

Another poster said foreplay is a two-way thing, which I agree with. I do think I could initiate it more as well.

A long calm chat sounds like it might be in order - I just hope that it isn't the death knell on what little of our sex life is left.

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 09/11/2018 16:10

I had a partner who insisted on 45min sessions. I started to resent him as if I'm in the mood it takes me 10minutes so I'd go off the boil so to speak. Then he'd insist I'd 'get it back' so try & carry on. Nope. We had a long conversation & it turned out the porn he watched was all about marathon hour long sessions. I told him I loved a surprise quickie much better & things improved hugely. Talk to him. And make time for sex as often once you start, even if you're shattered, you get into it.

SandyY2K · 09/11/2018 17:13

He's not thinking about your satisfaction sexually at all. That's not a good lover by a long way.

With no foreplay he doesnt even get you wet... sorry tmi

No oral sex.... no touching... just getting in there isn't going to be satisfying for you.

Try and suggest ways to spice things up in the bedroom...as his porn addiction is affecting your sex life.

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