Who is BU me or my mum?

[WillowB]

Posting here as I know I'll get honest answers even if I don't like them!
I'm a teacher & work 2.5 days a week.
DS goes to nursery 1 day and to my parents 1.5 days. (Not during the school hols) as well as this mum will often babysit or have them the odd day if I need her to.

Over the past yr there have been around 8 weeks outside of the holidays where I've had to find cover as my parents can't have DS. DHs parents are elderly, siblings all work, friends have their own little ones and nursery is full. This means DH usually ends up using annual leave or I can occasionally take a lieu day. So as not to drip feed both of my children are under paediatricians so I have a fair amount of appointments that I have to swap days or DH has to take them to.
Mum announced yesterday that they are going away in Dec for 2 days. DH has already used all of his annual leave so we are stuck!
I told my mum that it seemed like we'd had to cover a lot of days this yr and we might have to rethink things next yr.
and she flew of the handle. Said I'm ungrateful and unappreciative.
I have suggested that next yr we send DS to nursery for an extra day as he will get his 30hrs funding. This would then mean that we're covered pretty much and mum & dad can take as many holidays or appointments or whatever as they want. She then said I'm being cruel and emotionally blackmailing her!!
Feel like I can't win here. So AIBU?

You need to have reliable, consistent childcare, and if your mother can't understand that, that's her problem. Let her carry on with her tantrum, but in the meantime you need to do what's best for your family.

I have 3 GCs and I don't think YABU.

You do need regular childcare so for that Mum is BU as she has committed to it. However as you say there are lots of times you have had to swap days to take dc to appointments do you then expect her to cover you working a different day.? If so then how does she know what days to book for unless you let her know well in advance. I think nursery will be the best option, but you will probably still need Mum as well. If you have dc in nursery on a Tuesday for example and then need to swao days for an appointment nursery may mot be able to have them on a different day.

Depends on your tone when you said that you will need to re think child care. Why don't you apologise and tell her how grateful you all are and how much Ds loves spending time with them but life changes and it really would be better if you took the extra day at nursery. If she still has the hump, well that's something she will just have to get over. I feel that you are thinking what's best for you all and she's thinking of herself.

Let her babysit when it suits you and see DS other than when you're at work and put him him nursery 2.5 days. She's not being fair.

Honestly, I think YABU. You need to find proper childcare and not rely on your parents to provide it for free.

Why wouldn't you be planning to use his 30 hour funding anyway to give her a break? Mentioning it at the time she gave you notice for her December break could be seen as emotional blackmail depending on the way you said it

Depends how you said it tbh. If you said it with the tone of "humph, we've had to swap around a lot" in order to look after our own children then I can see why that would be annoying to her.

Thanks for the replies.
@ponceypoops because mum wanted to have him still. I did offer to put him in nursery. She doesn't want me to.

Had this with my PIL, waited until I booked my last week off for the year and then booked a holiday abroad for 2 weeks after my annual leave.
Dropped us in it, on the day!!! Several times that they couldn't look after DC. And constantly telling us how we should be externally grateful for the lengths they were going to for us.
We did pay them too!! Not as much as a nursery would be granted.
Eventually we paid for full time nursery, the impact on my sanity was instant, costly but worth every god damn penny. I would never consider using family for level of care now. Reluctantly I may ask to cover if one DC is sick, but rly as hard as I can not to.
Get regular comments about how they don't see GC anymore, I just smile.

Yes I'd put him in nursery.

I'd maybe make an effort to spend a bit of time with her on your off work days.

Or she could always have him for a morning if she likes then. That would be nice. 

I am assuming that you aren't paying your parents for childcare, if so, I think maybe the way you've worded it has hit a nerve and has possibly come across as quite ungrateful. If they feel like they have to ask permission or are putting you out when they need to do something then it probably does get a bit annoying for them when they are doing you such a tremendous favour.

I agree that if the arrangement isn't working for you then you do need to increase nursery hours and allow them to be able to do whatever they want. But I think maybe you should have presented this to them at a different time, as she probably does feel like she is being punished for wanting a bit of time out.

I think you are being unreasonable if I'm honest. I think you forget that THEY are doing you the favour and are entitled to their own enjoyment of their free time if you were annoyed then you had no right to throw that back at her. You are lucky that your kids get to spend time with their grandparents and I think you should be more grateful. It's not your parents fault your kids have appointments all the time. Can you not rearrange them for your days off father than having to use annual leave to attend?

We moved away from parents, so it's now quite a big deal for them to do childcare.
As such, we constantly burn thru our A/L and leiu days just tag teaming the school holidays, etc.
I appreciate that you're stretched, but you can't demand that people only organise holidays and the like at a time when it's less likely to inconvenience you.

Assuming that you weren’t actually rude to your Mum (which it slightly sounds like you were) then no one is being unreasonable.

Your parents are retired and entitled to holidays.

You need stable, reliable child care.

It’s not ungrateful to be frustrated by the lack of reliability it just means you need to rethink things.

Whether your D.C. goes to nursery or not isn’t up to your Mum, it’s up to you.

There’s a dichotomy here. You can be grateful to your Mum but she also can't have her cake and eat it.

I can’t imagine telling her she has to ask your permission to go in holiday would go down well so you’ll have to move to another nursery day.

I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Yes, you were a bit unreasonable but on the other hand, you've offered a compromise and had your head bitten off...

I would use the extra day nursery, and your Mum has him for the extra half day. That way you're not taking advantage and she still gets to see her GS.

If she still has the hump, well that's something she will just have to get over.

Agree with this.

@Badwifey
I am grateful and have told my mum this many times. I feel that because they are doing a favour I have to just suck it up when it's getting increasingly difficult.
Re the appointments, no I can't always rearrange consultants, physios etc usually hold their clinics on set days

My inlaws have had DDs one day a week always, but they always let us know the times they are away well in advance.

Your mum INBU to let you know well in advance, but YANBU if the arrangement doesn't suit. We always just paid extra for those days on the weeks they weren't there, if that's going to break the bank or not be possible, then you'll need to think of something else.

To be fair I probably did come across as rude and the time by was bad so I will apologise and express my gratitude.
I think I am going to put him in nursery the extra day though from Jan

Should say timing was bad!

OK, you definitely need to book the nursery for the additional days.

However, it does sound like the way this was presented to your DM might have sounded to her as though she is being punished for going on holiday. Can you see that?

I would tell her you will have to book nursery but there will still be plenty of opportunities for her to babysit that suit both you and her

This is exactly why we sucked it up and paid for nursery instead of relying on grandparents despite them offering. It's a good job really as MIL has just booked a two month holiday - i have no idea what we would have done. Plus we like to save them for the weekend and i'd feel too guilty to ask them to have DS at a weekend if they'd already had him during the week.

I'd put him in nursery all the time you are at work. Your mum can still have him for a day while you are off if she wants, freeing you up to do other things.

Everyone's a winner

So how many of your working days have they not been able to have your son & what were the reasons that they couldn't have him?

It does sound as if you are punishing them by the way it was said but you also need reliable childcare for your working days!

I think the BU aspect of this thread depends entirely on your tone with your mother. Have you paid her anything? I'm guessing not so, and probably she might not want payment from you.....but you have to accept that this is a GOODWILL arrangement and be thankful to your mum for what's she's given you to date. I would move to a nursery TBH, you need stability for work.....explain this gently to your mum and reassure her that she will see the DC lots and lots of other times....it's just sometimes life has to move on for everyone, needs and priorities change all round.., this is normal and shouldn't warrant major showdowns.

Based on the fact that you offered to find alternative childcare but your DM insisted she wants to do it, YANBU. I had something similar with MIL: DS wanted to do a particular activity outside of school, I couldn't take him. MIL says to him 'we'll take you' (she and her DH). I sign him up and as first class is approaching we find out through the bloody postman (MIL lives close by) that MIL is going away for 3 weeks!