Who is BU me or my mum?

[WillowB]

Posting here as I know I'll get honest answers even if I don't like them!
I'm a teacher & work 2.5 days a week.
DS goes to nursery 1 day and to my parents 1.5 days. (Not during the school hols) as well as this mum will often babysit or have them the odd day if I need her to.

Over the past yr there have been around 8 weeks outside of the holidays where I've had to find cover as my parents can't have DS. DHs parents are elderly, siblings all work, friends have their own little ones and nursery is full. This means DH usually ends up using annual leave or I can occasionally take a lieu day. So as not to drip feed both of my children are under paediatricians so I have a fair amount of appointments that I have to swap days or DH has to take them to.
Mum announced yesterday that they are going away in Dec for 2 days. DH has already used all of his annual leave so we are stuck!
I told my mum that it seemed like we'd had to cover a lot of days this yr and we might have to rethink things next yr.
and she flew of the handle. Said I'm ungrateful and unappreciative.
I have suggested that next yr we send DS to nursery for an extra day as he will get his 30hrs funding. This would then mean that we're covered pretty much and mum & dad can take as many holidays or appointments or whatever as they want. She then said I'm being cruel and emotionally blackmailing her!!
Feel like I can't win here. So AIBU?

Agree with PP, put your DS in nursery but ask your mum to have him one morning/day when you are not working so that she can still spend time with him & you get the flexibility of some ‘free time’. If she kicks off say that this is the only way you & your DH can manage time off for his medical appointments. She is clearly being unreasonable, but I have to say that as someone who is of Grandparent age there is no way I would commit to a regular child care arrangement, happy to help in an emergency but I am hoping to enjoy my retirement (when I get there !!!).

I told my mum that it seemed like we'd had to cover a lot of days this yr and we might have to rethink things next yr.

So why could you have not said to your dmum that your dc would be entitled to free childcare next year, so we won't have to burden them every week.You didn't even need to mention the days they have missed this year.

Your parents need to either commit or deal with the children going to nursery due to their lifestyle and needs. My IL's said before I'd even contemplated asking for help, never have still, that they're not the type of grand parents who can commit to childcare as they want their freedom to travel and do stuff each week if they want to - absolutely fine with me and my DH glad they were so up front to be honest! They do sometimes get s but upset next door have their GC over loads and hear them screaming around the garden so we've organised more time for our kids to visit them and everyone is happy (except our children who get less iPad time and less sweets at GP house lol!)

A lot of people commenting are clearly ignoring the fact that OP said she wants/has said she will put the kid in nursery but the Grandparents don't want that as they want to have him...

YANBU - but I would just suck it up and make it OTT obvious how grateful you are for everything they do but you need more stability, and they are welcome to come and see him loads!

I understand you, but if you came across as rude then I also understand your mum.

My mum has offered to babysit my DD when I go back to work after maternity (she doesn't work) I didn't even ask, she brought it up and told me that this would happen because she didn't want me to put DD in nursery. I am extremely grateful for this, even though I see nursery as a good thing as my DD is extremely sociable and loves people. I have asked my mum many times if she's sure she wants to commit herself to this and she absolutley wants to (her words) if this then happened to me I would be re thinking it too, you need reliable childcare. And if you had an agreement then I guess I can see why it's annoying.

But there's definitley ways of saying it while also expressing your appreciation for all the times she has babysat. I have to be careful with my words with my mum, she can be quite sensitive, sometimes even when I say something that wasn't intended to be malicious or offensive, she'll still take it that way.... it's difficult but I always just agree with her and apologise rather than try to fight. After all she is doing me the favour and i like an easy life..

"she brought it up and told me that this would happen because she didn't want me to put DD in nursery. "

Not her decision though, is it?

Having done grandparent care and enjoyed it, I also need to have a life. We offer the commitment for free on the condition that there is a back up plan. It is hard work when you get older, and we can feel taken for granted as if we were a paid carer. Parents would not get this situation if they didnt feel it was their right to have free care. There is always a price to pay on both sides. Do not reject her care and say its your way or the highway. Be flexible and get some backup arrangement

Parents would not get this situation if they didnt feel it was their right to have free care.

I think that’s a bit harsh Confused.

Lots of Grandparents volunteer and actually insist that they do the care. Much like the OP’s Mum.

My own parents volunteered and would be appalled if I put my D.C. into afterschool club instead of going to them.

I’m extremely grateful to them but it’s not without its difficulties. It has changed their relationship with both me and the children. Not necessarily worse, but definitely different.

I can easily afford to pay for care, using them is nothing whatsoever to do with an entitlement to free care

I regularly check with them that they are happy to continue the arrangement. I don’t take them for granted but I do appreciate that as a grandparent it’s easy to feel that way.

@diddl No, it's not. But if I were to say I wanted DD in a nursery she wouldn't stop me and would support my decision. My mum just had a bad experience with nurseries with my youngest brother and she worries that the same will happen with my DD.
And I don't mind as my DD is comfortable around my mum and they love spending time together.