WWYD - In the middle of 2 friends, very emotive.

[WWYD2016]

This is more a WWYD rather than an AIBU.

I rang my mate to see how her son who had been mugged by a group of older lads at knifepoint was doing. He and a friend had also endured an extended period of humiliation, under threat of being stabbed to death. Needless to say her son is in a great state of emotional distress, he’s being supported by Victim Support.

Fortunately the perpetrators have been caught and charged. My mate thought I might know 2 of them but she could not recall their names.

Later that same evening I was talking to another friend on the phone, she told me who one of the perpetrators is, apparently he and his mates have been doing some bad stuff in the locale.

Here comes my WWYD, I have a planned weekend away with one of the perpetrators mums at her invitation with a larger group of friends next month. I had no idea she was having issues with her sons behaviour. She is a lovely woman and her other children are truly delightful.

DH reckons it’d be disrespectful and insensitive to have pictures splashed all over the place of me partying with the mother of a son who has caused the son of another mate such emotional trauma it warrants criminal intervention. I’m not aware if either woman knows they have my friendship in common. He thinks I should decline my friends invite and explain I’m not punishing her for her son’s actions but that I think it would hurt my other friend more if we spent the weekend together.

I have paid for accommodation and train fare for this weekend that’s how long it’s been arranged…just a side note, not an excuse.

WWYD?

Presuming it was organised before all this happened, are you sure the weekend is still on?

I’d be very surprised at someone choosing to go away for a knees up (and being seen to do so) when her son is completely off the rails and has gotten himself in such serious trouble?

Could be that your quandary will resolve itself?

If not, I would delicately back out. I’m with your DH on this. It might not be her fault but it seems incredibly insensitive to the injured party and wouldn’t be received well, despite her loveliness.

I wouldn’t go - it would feel wrong.

How can you possibly go?
How would you feel in the same situation?

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is but I can imagine having a son who goes off the rails must be quite scary and being isolated by your friends for it would make it worse.

I think the first things to do to is check it's definitely the same person. It does seem odd that the mum with the naughty son wouldn't have mentioned her son's behaviour to you and would still be going away so there's a chance you've put 2 and 2 together and got 5.

Decline it. It wouldn't be right.

I wouldn’t go - but then, as PossiblyPFB said upthread, it may well be that perpetrators mum has now decided she should stay at home, which would mean you could go after all.

Wow. I feel for you. That is horrible! Your poor friend too! And I'm sure the mum of the perpetrator isn't having a great time either! Urgh. I'd speak to the mum of the perpetrator and explain your good relationship with the mum of the victim. Be clear you're not choosing sides but say how awkward you feel and you still want to be friends but it seems a bit too raw still for your other friend for you to go away with her when she has lots of trauma to deal with at home. Maybe suggest to your friend (the victims mum) to do something that weekend such as a takeaway/movie or a glass of wine somewhere? Or take a bottle round? I would also tell your friend (the victims mum) about your predicament. I just feel like telling them both would make you feel less weird as well. You don't want to know this big piece of information and keep it from them! As a PP said, the mum of the perpetrator may not even be up for going away now! (In which case problem solved!) urgh. What a mess!!! Just try to be clear to both how you are there for them both and aren't going to choose sides. Good luck!

Awful situation, I think pika has a point though. Does the other mum know your are friends with victims mum? Is she aware of everything that happened? unless she was in the police interview she may not know until the court case. Hiding an arrest isn''t hard.

I'm surprised how many people would back out. I don't see how you being friends with the perpetrator's (lovely) mother condones the actions of her son. If my son did something bad, it'd be horrible enough dealing with it, without my friends shunning me when I'd done nothing wrong. I also don't think the situation particularly involves you, in the sense that this is unnecessary additional drama on top of what it is already a difficult enough situation for both the mums. So I'd leave them and the law to deal with the boys and be supportive to both your mates as far as they need you, but to cancel your break would be a step beyond what I'd feel is necessary. Course there's no need to plaster pictures and you can be open so your friends know they have you in common if you think that will help, but you sound sensitive so just be sensitive. Awful though the situation is, you've done nothing wrong and neither have they.

I think if you do go you have to be prepared for the fall out with friend 1. Regardless of how you feel towards friend 2, friend 1 will definitely feel that you’ve chosen sides...or at least I would. I personally would take your dh’s advice.

Don't go. If I were your friend and you went out with the mother of the child who hurt mine, I'd cut all contact. Might be irrational, might not but if my child had been hurt, I would be hurt and going out with the perpetrators mother would feel like you don't care and were taking their side rather than supporting me and my son.

I'd explain your position to the mother and tell her you wont go away with her right now because of what her son has done, but that you are their for her if she needs to talk.

I wouldn’t go. Your DH is right. Speak to your friend and explain the situation. If she’s as lovely as you say then she will understand.

I wouldnt go.

I feel for the attackers mother, but if I was the victims mother I would be very hurt and upset if you went away her.

Time for a 48 hour vomiting bug I think. It's not as though the second mother is condoning her son's behaviour or anything so I'd try to buy a little time by not going but not saying anything to either of them yet. The second mother will value your support later (as PP have said she may not even know the full story yet) and she may be as horrified as everybody else so I wouldn't drop her but I wouldn't go partying with her at the moment either.

I agree @pinkdelight. There’s so much more that’s important here though like the perpetrators mothers stance and how close you are are to each mother but I don’t think it’s your place to judge someone for another persons actions really.

I doubt she’ll be up for going anyway 🤞🏼 she’s not tbh!

What a crappy situation, good luck with your decision.

It depends on a few things for me. If the mother is horrified and struggling, I would mention you know the victims mum and just say you need to see how she feels. Then I would speak to the victims mum and feel how she feels about it.

I must admit I would lean towards not going but as a parent with a son with behavioral difficulties sometimes (nothing like this, and believe me I would be horrified and understand if you didn't want to come) I think the mum might be trying her best possibly? It depends on the mums reaction I think.

It’s definitely time to start talking openly to everyone. Surely the main issue at hand here is not your booked holiday, but the fact two of your friends are separately in crisis?

In order for the trip to be viable, or even a possibility, you need to talk at length and seriously with these two friends. It isn’t your place to judge either of them, but yes, loyalty to the victim’s mum would have to be put first. So you can spend that time helping her, not as some sort of statement on social media thing. Remove yourself from the drama, but immerse yourself in being a good friend. To both women.

By the way, what a small village you live in. This situation is a real insight to me about how that must be. It’s the kind of pickle that it would be rare to get into in a big city. I’m kind of relieved about that! Good luck to you.

I think I would need to know how the mother of the perpetrator feels about it all … what if she feels her son isn't as bad as people are making out? My cousin was involved in something pretty bad many years ago, and my DM was defending him (more so than his own DM). It would be awful to go away and then find out she's backing him.

I'm with your DH. I wouldn't cut off the mother of the perpetrator, especially if she is struggling to deal with her son's behaviour but it isn't appropriate to go off for a weekend of fun with her right now.

To be honest, I'd be pretty shocked if the mum with the problem kid was able to go off on a weekend jolly when her child could be facing a criminal conviction.

Being honest though, I'd be really upset if I were your 1st friend you mentioned and found out you'd gone off on a weekend with this other mum. It would feel hugely disloyal.

I'd say you need to be open an honest with both sides. No one's behaviour here has had a direct effect upon you; and it seems the only way to avoid picking some sort of side by default is to bring it all out in the open.
I can't imagine heading off on (even a long planned / much needed / overdue) jolly if my child was in trouble with the law though.

I get the whole thing about how bad the victim's mum would feel, but if my child had done something dreadful and then people didn't want to go away with me I would feel absolutely horrible and judged. I suppose if my DC had done something so terrible I would cancel social engagements to focus on them, and tbh I think your friend probably should drop out herself, but if she's longing for some time away to get her head together and talk to friends about it then it would be really shit if people didn't want to be seen with her.

It's really not easy to decide what to do! I think talking to them both as soon as possible is the best thing - if the perpetrator's mum is downplaying it then I wouldn't go.

So the mother of the victim is aware you may know the family of alleged perpetrator. You can ring her and confirm, ask her what she thinks. You can speak to the other mother afterwards to gauge where she is at, and what you find appropriate

My son was assaulted about three years ago, nowhere near as seriously as this poor lad. I dropped a friend because she continued to socialise with the mother of one of the boys and allow her ds to socialise with him. This was aggravated by the family telling all and sundry that my ds was a little shit who had started it. (Well the police, the independent witnesses and the CPS saw different). It will be distressing to your friend if she sees you socialise with this mother who honestly should perhaps be spending time with her ds who clearly has serious issues. If you value your friendship with her, don't go.

If perpetrators mum hasn't said anything it is possible she doesn't know. Speak to her.