WWYD - In the middle of 2 friends, very emotive.

[WWYD2016]

This is more a WWYD rather than an AIBU.

I rang my mate to see how her son who had been mugged by a group of older lads at knifepoint was doing. He and a friend had also endured an extended period of humiliation, under threat of being stabbed to death. Needless to say her son is in a great state of emotional distress, he’s being supported by Victim Support.

Fortunately the perpetrators have been caught and charged. My mate thought I might know 2 of them but she could not recall their names.

Later that same evening I was talking to another friend on the phone, she told me who one of the perpetrators is, apparently he and his mates have been doing some bad stuff in the locale.

Here comes my WWYD, I have a planned weekend away with one of the perpetrators mums at her invitation with a larger group of friends next month. I had no idea she was having issues with her sons behaviour. She is a lovely woman and her other children are truly delightful.

DH reckons it’d be disrespectful and insensitive to have pictures splashed all over the place of me partying with the mother of a son who has caused the son of another mate such emotional trauma it warrants criminal intervention. I’m not aware if either woman knows they have my friendship in common. He thinks I should decline my friends invite and explain I’m not punishing her for her son’s actions but that I think it would hurt my other friend more if we spent the weekend together.

I have paid for accommodation and train fare for this weekend that’s how long it’s been arranged…just a side note, not an excuse.

WWYD?

I agree with Missingstreetlife Speak with the mother of the victim but do not discount the other mother.

I would do one of two things:-

1. cancel / make an excuse Or
2. broach what you've heard with your mum friend and say his name has come up as possibly being involved in this serious assault.....hear her side of things and what they're doing about it. The mum hasn't held a knife and humiliated someone .....her son MAY have done though. She is not guilty here....but HE might be. As a parent and friend , you'd want to know what's happening about it before enjoying an extended social wouldn't you?

I wouldn't go. How old are the boys?

I don’t think you can socialise with both of them at this stage. For me it’s not about right and wrong side, it’s more about that they are on opposite sides. I would feel weird knowing that you are discussing what’s happened with my son/ what my son done with the opposite party. The attacker’s mum is in very difficult position as well now so I would not judge you for supporting her but you can’t stay friends with both.

I also agree with PPs who advised to check that your friend’s son is involved in the attack before saying something to her.

You could lose a friend either way here.

You go and victims mum no longer wants to be around you as you support the attacker in her mind.

You don’t go and the mum who’s son did wrong feels shunned by you for no fault of her own.

Who are you closer friends with?

I'd not feel comfortable under the circumstances. There's going off the rails and then there's threatening someone with a knife - Jesus.

It's possible the perpetrator's dm doesn't know if he's over 18 although it's difficult if he's living at home

If I was the mother of the victim and found out you'd been away/socialising with the mother of the perpetrator, I'd drop you like a hot potato. Rightly or wrongly, it would come across as you choosing sides (and not my 'side').

No way would I go! I’d feign ilness.

I agree with your husband. Don’t go.

Also I would be interested to hear what the perpetrators mum thinks about what her son has done. Does she support him and is in denial? If so, I wouldn’t want anything to do with her.

I think this partly is going to reflect on the behaviour of the perpetrators mother, if she is of the opinion her little darling can do no wrong I’d drop her like a stone! If she is mortified, punishing her son, disgusted with his behaviour, supporting the police etc, I would mention to victims mum tell her reaction of pet patrons mum mention you’re friends. But I think whilst it was so raw I’d be calling in sick.