Husband acting like a dick during petty argument - AIBU

[feesh]

Had a really petty argument this morning and I’m feeling really fed up. AIBU?

The background is, my newish car is over due for a service. The car notifies you on the dashboard when the next service is due. If you exceed it by 1000 km it invalidates the warranty. I do approx 200 km a week.

DH noticed it when he drove it and there was about 500-700km to go (I had noticed it before and forgot to mention it).

He said he’d book it in. He tends to book it in himself - not me - because cars are his thing and he knows what service is needed and also we live in the Middle East where life is just easier if the man does these things (I know, I know!). I’m a SAHM. I was very capable of doing all this stuff when we lived in England, but here our roles have changed in part down to the culture. So yes, in theory I could have booked it in myself, but he usually does it and all it takes is a phone call and so I left him to do it.

Anyway it got down to about 9km to go, so I checked with him if he’d booked it in and he said no, can you send me the current mileage please? Which I did, a couple of hours later.

Anyway a week went by before he got around to booking it in and they can’t do it until this coming Saturday. I’ve only got a few miles left until we invalidate the warranty and I’ve got to do an unexpected school run this afternoon.

I called him this morning to say I was worried we were going to invalidate the warranty and wondered if we could do anything such as him leave early to do it himself or come home at lunchtime and swap cars with me. The phone call ended with him saying “You need to give me more notice of these things”, to which I replied “Excuse me, you have know about this for over a month and you only booked it in last week”. He said “OK bye” and put the phone down on me.

I called him back because I wasn’t happy about him putting the phone down on me, and he put on this fucking annoying patronising office voice saying “Is there anything I can specifically help you with? If not I’m going to end this call now” and put the phone down on me again.

Then we had a petty text argument after he went through his old messages and found that I “only” sent him the car mileage two weeks ago. I pointed out that he’d know for at least 2-3 weeks before that that the service was due and that he’d sat on his hands for a week after I’d sent him the mileage, before picking up the phone to book it in.

I know this is a very pathetic argument to be having, but I’m fed up with him (when backed into a corner because I’ve pointed out yet again that actually it’s not me that’s wrong but him) using lies, petty behaviour or insults to back out of the situation - he has form for this and I’ve had enough of it. He always tries to turn things back onto me. And the patronising work phone voice thing he did with me has made me absolutely irate.

The fact is, this wasn’t my fault, it was his, but I get blamed for it and as soon as I try and fight back he uses dirty tactics to get me to shut up. AIBU?

But the argument isn't really about the car. It's become overdue and you're both blaming each other. Yes, petty argument we all have.

It sounds like he's adapting well to the local culture.

Whoever is in the wrong, you should not be phoning or texting him when he is at work to carry on a petty argument.

YABU. After you initially asked him and he didn’t do it, you should have done it. It is your car after all.

Also calling him back at work to continue the argument is wholly inappropriate and unacceptable.

I know I could have booked it in myself and I wish I had now. All he had to do was make a single phone call; it’s not like I was asking him to drive across town and pick something up.

Also, this is pretty much the only thing he takes responsibility for at home. I do all the usual wife work and carry the mental load for the household, whilst juggling 3 kids and studying an MSc. Cat vaccinations, kids’ vaccinations, birthday presents, Christmas presents, holiday logistics, getting maintenance sorted on the house, doing the shopping, preparing the meals and meal planning, renewing travel insurance etc etc etc. So there’s just this one thing that he has to do and he doesn’t do it, and then blames me when it backfires. All he had to do was make one single phone call. Places stay open until 8pm here, it’s not asking much.

Anyway he’s rang me back and apologised since I posted, specially saying sorry for lying and putting the phone down. So there’s that.

*i meant “specifically”, not “specially”

you both sound very petty and you shouldn't have rung him at work to discuss this.

Just get the car booked in and move on.

Your car, your job, you're not in the ME anymore or maybe you prefer their attitude to women. Do grow up, it's your fault but he's a convenient whipping boy.

I don’t see the issue with calling him at work; we chat on the phone a couple of times a week to sort stuff out while he’s at work. I just needed to let him know that the car was going to go out of warranty (except it hasn’t; I’ve sorted it now by borrowing my neighbour’s car for the school run). And I called him back because he went silent and then put the phone down on me, which, in my opinion, was pretty out of order.

yes, but having that kind of stupid thing while he's at work is just nonsense - you hung up so I'm ringing you back, come on. I certainly don't want to be sitting next to someone having this kind of conversation at work.

All he had to do was make one single phone call. Places stay open until 8pm here, it’s not asking much.

So why didn’t you do it then, OP? If it’s so easy? Would have taken you two seconds and saved lots of grief.

There is also a difference between calm, collected phone calls discussing the innocuous and deliberately harassing him while he’s at work when he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to talk to you.

He was right to put the phone down on you because you were doing nothing but having a go at him. You wanted him to just stay there silently and take it?

Unless it was going to be impossible for you to make the booking, you should have done it when it became clear he was fannying about prevaricating. But I think you’ve accepted that.

That said, not sure the ME would be my first trailing-spouse port-of-call if married to a bloke who has previous for “lying, petty behaviour and insults to back out of the situation.”

If you're the SAHP, then I'd see if as your responsibility to do life admin tasks. SAHMs always go on about how they take all the responsibility in order to enable their husbands to progress in their careers. If you're sexist enough to think that men should do all "car stuff" then maybe you should give up driving?? A lot of expat women turn into helpless princesses - I would try to avoid that if I were you.

OP no matter what you say people will still make it your fault. I think living where you are I would hesitate to do it as well.

I too thought he's blending in ok with the local culture. Shit like that rubs off and its about time he started pulling his weight more in general.

I've got one of these, deflects and thinks blame. Just call him out on it, don't be gaslit. Glad he apologised. Do your own car in future and prevail on him to do more househould stuff
Think entirely reasonable not to let him off because he's at work

HE did say he would do it but didnt

I wish I had bloody done it now! He has one job to do (and he is OBSESSED with cars, he spends half his working day tweeting about cars and posting in Facebook groups about them and tinkering about with them at weekends). To be honest I was just glad for him to have one area of responsibility.

Furthermore, I am going back to work in a few months and I am very conscious of how much “wife work” I do and how much he now takes that for granted. He’s in for a real shock when I go back, because I won’t be there necessarily to look after sick kids or meet with teachers or watch performances. He takes all that for granted at the moment, so I’m trying to introduce him to the idea that I won’t be there as back up when he doesn’t or can’t or won’t do stuff when I’m back at work.

And yes he’s definitely blending in with the local culture - in small, subtle ways I definitely see a new misogyny in him lately. Don’t worry, he’s getting a kick up the arse when I am back at work.

good for you regardless about the car he shojld be doing more at home

He has one job to do. You mean apart from the office based one?

You mean apart from the office based one?

Seriously? Plenty of people manage to hold down a full time job and contribute a lot more to running a household than making one phone call once in a while. (e.g. me, who is in charge of food shopping, cooking, paying gas and electricity bills and the credit card, before even mentioning all the stuff to do with the children...)

Hedge, SAHMs are always saying that they stay at home to facilitate their husbands being able to pursue their career. In return for being kept financially, surely the deal is that the SAHM should then make life easier for the WOHP. No one should have to be the sole breadwinner and then spend their free time doing chores when there is a housewife or husband to do the chores.

He should have just said he’d forgotten, but why on earth did you let it get down to the last 9km before asking if it was booked in, when you do 200km a week! Unless his answer to that was ‘it’s booked in today’ then it was going to cause problems whether he’d booked or not.

It didn’t sound to me like OP is a SAHM. She’s studying for an MSc and going back to work in a couple of months. But in the context of SAHMs the comment makes more sense.

Lived in the ME for 7 years had no issues at all booking my own car jn and had the greai resoect from the car dealers. yABu in that respect. However he shouldn't be putting the phone down on you but we probably don't know the full story, he could have been in a meeting..... People in the ME are worked extremely hard and a car service is easily forgotten with the pressi of a high flying job.
You could ease this stress by dealing with things like the car yourself. I did, but i also worked (albeit in a school based , not stressful st sll, role)