To be sad that I don't have a good friend in my life.

[3littlesandme]

It's been one of those long days today and now the dc are in bed it's got me thinking I would love a good friend to sound off to and have a giggle with.

Over the years I've grown apart from many of my friends. I have 1 good girlfriend, but we can go weeks without speaking sometimes.

Do you have that friend you can go to no matter what? How can I get me one?

I don’t have friends either. I have acquainances but no one I could turn to in a crisis. The loneliness is physically painful at times.

@SheldonandPenny I'm also quite surprised at how many people don't have that close friend or friends.

@AmbitiousHalibut how amazing you have 3 close friends, albeit not local. You are very lucky.

@Jagblue You give me hope. I am almost 30 and feel so down about it.

@DENMAN03 you sound like a great friend. We need more of you.

@CynthiaRothrock that is shit. I've known some cf friends and ones that only want to know you when they need something.

@Tottie I'm sorry for your loss. I hope your friends are around to support you.

@tiny2278, @LesserofTwoWeevils I hope you both find someone soon. I have no suggestions.

@3littlesandme I'm glad. I just didn't know how to open doors. People were I live have gone to school together and they don't seem to need new friends.
Things changed for me with our son and my desire to make friends.
I didn't want to do baby stuff on my own it's soooo boring.
Now many of the kids aren't even friends anymore we have 13 year olds.
Our friendship has evolved and we invest time on each other.
I'm sure you have a lot to offer you just need to find people that want to do stuff together. 

@CarolsSecretCookieRecipe - you sound similar to me. I'm getting more introverted as I get older and I have a social...anxiety, I guess it is, where I worry about how I come across. Because people just don't seem to "get" me.

When I was at uni I didn't really make any good friends, I had a few people to hang out with but that was it. I lived with strangers for the second and third years because no-one wanted to live with me after the first year. Then, in the last couple of weeks, I was hanging with a few other people from my course and one of them said "I wish I'd got to know you better, you're funny". Which was nice of her but also soul-crushing, that I'd been depressed for over two years and friendless but here was someone saying we could have been friends.

Story of my life, I suppose.

I used to have a friend like that, I told her everything, she had a baby and I was there to support her...then her newer friends started showing up more and more and I couldn't really be bothered with them. I told her something in confidence one night and next thing I know her aunt is speaking to me about the private subject. I was gutted that she broke my trust and between that and her new friends things just fizzled out. We're still friends now but not like before.

I then had my 1st baby and all of my friends sort of distanced themselves from me. In this group (known eachother pretty much our whole lives) I was the only one married and only one with kids. I didn't go out much as I was expressing for our baby
And I just wanted to be a Mummy to our baby and it soon ended up I wasnt being included In outings etc... I was heartbroken and sat at home upset sometimes, but I had a fab family who were always there.

Now my friends are all married and having babies of their own. One of the friends has moved closer to where I live and our friendship has become so strong. Our kids are best friends and she acknowledged that she felt bad she wasn't there for me when I had kids as she now understands that that's when you maybe need your friends the most.
We have the best friendship now and I'm glad all of those things happened because it makes us realise how precious friendships are.

I don't have any friends at all. I have had them in the past but spending time working overseas meant they dropped off. It would be quite nice I think, but I am not unhappy about it.

It is sad reading how lonely some people are and I can't help but compare this thread to the many other threads about friendship on here.

The ones where someone has just had a baby and suddenly decides that she has no more time for her childless friends and so is encouraged to bin them off for "mum friends" and "her own little family".

The ones where childless women are cast aside when their friendship circle starts having babies and so it is deemed that they have nothing in common anymore.

And my particular favourite, the ones where the infertile women are left out in the cold when everyone around them can only talk about babies.

Do you sense a pattern here?

I've been dumped by loads of friends for no reason other than I remain childless while they merrily reproduce. I would have been very happy to be flexible about meeting up, even been known to change the odd nappy and wrestle the odd toddler; but no. I had outlived my usefulness and they just wanted "mum friends". Well, those mum friends didn't stay around very long and now some of my old friends can write threads like this one. Luckily for them I'm a better friend to them than they were to me.

I wonder if some people have unrealistic expectations of friendship. She. We are Young with no responsibilities we can have friends that are almost like a symbiotic soul mate. But when you are an adult and you have responsibilities , maybe a career, a partner, children, aging parents, it is wholly inappropriate to think that friends are people who will spend hours in the phone several times a week and will drop everything when you have a low patch. By definition, you as a friend will be lower down the priority list. You have to accept this. If you come above someone's partner and children then something is very wrong in your friend's life.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh

I am sorry that some of your friends have behaved this way and also I'm surprised by it. My closest friends are all childless and perhaps I have been lucky neither me nor they wanted to throw friendships away due to reproduction choices!

Adult friendships are slow burners. I think its harder to become fast friends once you have left full time education as you no longer have obvious common ground. Good friends that I met as an adult took about a year or longer to cultivate before I was able to actually call them a friend in a real sense.

I actually wrote about this because I'm in the same boat. I'm now joining groups and trying to meet new people, but it's hard. I have lots of friends, but no close friend and I really miss that.

www.50sense.net/home/2018/8/22/feeling-lonely-youre-not-the-only-one-tXrU5

I'm the same but I actually like it that way tbh. My husband is my best mate and that's as much as I really need. I sometimes hypothesise who i would turn to if we ever split up (no one really springs to mind) but other than that I'm not really bothered.

I think people who know me would be surprised because, on the surface, I have lots of 'good' friends insofar as that they're nice people, but I wouldn't say I was particularly close to any of them. However, I am actually quite gregarious and generally am the one who organises nights out and pretty sociable.

Conversely, though, despite this I'm quite a private person so rarely feel comfortable disclosing much of myself to others so I probably subconsciously stop people getting too close.

Also - Having just thought about it, the people I like most in the world I have met in the last few years and all of them have their own 'best' friends so there's not really a space, as such, for me to fill that role, even if I wanted it to.

The only person I truly feel myself with is my husband so that's good enough for me!

I once met up with a fellow Mumsnetter off the back of a thread like this. She was lovely and there weren't any awkward silences when we chatted but we didn't "click" so nothing came of it longer term. I also went to a couple of meet ups via a socialising site, same thing happened - a pleasant enough couple of hours but that was it. It's so hard to make actual friends

@Jagblue it's almost the same here. Many of the mums grew up in the area and went to school together.

Leigh when are people ever encouraged to behave like that on threads?

I don't doubt it happens, probably by account not deliberately, but I've never read a thread suggesting that's how to behave!

More often people in different lufe phases unintentionally drift apart because of time pressure, moving away, not being practically able to be as committed as they once were or meet without kids, being knackered, feeling too boring and worrying friends will find them dull if they are temporarily numb with brain fog from endless sleepless nights and days of baby/ toddler stuff or whatever.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh how awful for you. I really hate when new friendships are formed and suddenly old friends are forgotten and cash aside.

This thread actually brings to mind a lovely woman from my vocational college course. She's lively and confident and independent and we'll liked with a busy life.

Last week the college secretary came into a class to ask if anyone had heard from her as her employer had called and she hadn't turned up to work. She hadn't turned up to class either.

At this point it hit several of us that although she always has people to talk to and a group to work with nobody really knows her! We've been in a class together 17 hours per week for 14 months.

It seems she'd been missing for several days and nobody had noticed.

I contacted her and she's ok btw - not a tragic story! It brought home that you never really know who is actually living a very solitary life.

3littlesandme I didn’t have any close friends until I was in my mid-40s . When I left my H an acquaintance (Mum of DDs school friend) got in touch. She was divorced too. Over the years we became closer and closer and she’s like the sister I never had now. I’ve also met some amazing friends (3 who I could talk about anything with ) through an interest group I joined 14 years back. Somehow I’d got through school, work, parenthood, without making what I’d call ‘true’ friends so I feel so lucky to have met these women. It sounds a huge cliche but groups such as interest ones, WI (lots of young members now) can bring you into contact with lots of potential friends. Most people won’t go on to be those you could phone at 2 am but everyone you invite for a coffee or chat to in a group has the possibility of being a great friend. The more people you take a chance on the greater the chance of meeting someone who you click with. 30 is so young (well to me anyhow) and friendships can begin at any time.

@IWantChocolates
Yes, I am definitely getting more socially anxious and worried about how I appear to others, instead of perhaps just focussing on the conversation at hand. When you said people at Uni had said to you "I wish I'd got to know you better, you're funny", that really struck a chord with me, as I've been told that a few times myself. I think my problem is that by the time I finally loosen up a bit and relax ... be more myself ... it's too late.

@IWantChocolates,i could have written your post.

I do feel like im "weird" and nobody" gets" me.Even when i worked and went on nights outs,i knew by their faces i wasnt wanted.Its awful.

I did have friends and it was always me doing the running,i stopped asking and they stopped bothering.I get the odd message about meeting up,but it never goes further than that.

i feel lucky to have my other half without him i would have no one.But its hard i dont have any woman in my life to chat to or spend time with.My mother is dead,so is my sister i just wish i had someone to go have a cup of tea with and go shopping with.But sometimes you just deal with what life gives you

I'm feeling very sorry for myself tonight. I've lost my two best friends in the last two years (one a year ago, one 2 years ago, almost to the day).
It makes me incredibly sad. I don't think I do friends very well. I try a lot, but I mess it up a lot as well. As a result I'm now in my 40s and I have a few friends, but I have absolutely nobody that I can call of an evening.

Those of you that are married to your best friend - I hope you realise how lucky you are. I'm a lone parent and I wish I had that.

So yeah.. Its shit. I feel like I must be a horrible person or something. I don't think I am, but clearly there's something about me.

Likewise, I have no friends. I had lots until I was 22, then we all moved to different parts of the country / world. It does maje me desperately sad, especially as dh has a really close set of friends and goes on holiday with them 5 times a year.
I never really know what to say when my kids ask why I don't have any.
I nearly had one last year, but she moved 8 hours drive away.

@IWantMyHatBack
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Maybe some people just "do" friendship better than others? I really don't know.

They say to have a good friend, first you must be a good friend (or something like that). Well, I've tried that. I finally realised with one friend I was basically her chauffeur as she didn't drive. Whilst I don't mind giving lifts to people at all, it did become pretty obvious that she was only inviting me to things so that I could drive her.

Then there's a school mum I've known vaguely for years, who always seems keen to catch up, but then when we do she talks about herself nonstop. If I venture to say something about my life, she will say mm, yeah, and then go back to her. It seems so onesided.

@Squizzard - my kids think I'm a bit of a sad case not really having any friends either. I laugh it off, but it does hurt.

@MindBodyChocolate that happened to me too. It hurt so much .

I dont think many people have tolerance or patience when people become unwell either physically or mentally.

I lost all my friends when i became unwell with a chronic physical illness. I had such a close friend that I thought we would grow old together... but she just stopped caring and making an effort, even though i was trying as hard as I could to be a good friend.

It's kind of reassuring to know there are others who've experienced things like I have, but I'm sorry for anyone who's been through what I have.

I am lucky in that I have DH, but he is suffering with a chronic illness and depression right now so we spend all our time together. I'm on maternity and he works from home. So I have company but I do long for a friend's company every now and then, especially one who understands where my DH is in life right now.

Both of us wish we hadn't moved 18 months ago: we did at least have people nearby we saw once a month or so. But I keep reminding myself that we were often lonely there too. In fact, I guess it was almost worse; I had several colleagues I got on well with but never enough to go for coffee together on a Saturday. There was a work WhatsApp group that I was invited to be part of (even though new colleagues were) and they'd always be going out without me.

So, I don't know, maybe knowing there's no-one here who's deliberately leaving me out of the friends thing is better.