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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to spend time with a male friend?

95 replies

EvenSmilingMakesMyFaceAche · 07/11/2018 21:27

Cuddling on the sofa this evening with DH, and I said that I'd really enjoyed the walk I'd taken today. He asked where I'd been, and I said I'd met a (male) friend at a country park.
For context, this is someone I know from a group that we're both members of that meets roughly every 6 weeks. It's a very close, friendly group but I hadn't ever seen him outside the group before, if that's relevant.
My DH stiffens and says he's really not happy with it. I look at him, kind of astounded, and ask why not? He says I can't be spending hours in the woods with a young man (friend is about 10 years younger than me) and he just doesn't think it's ok. He's gone off upstairs now because he's upset about it.
So I wanted to ask - is he right to feel so miffed? Was I unreasonable to meet a male friend and go for a walk?

OP posts:

SlipperyNettle · 08/11/2018 09:41

I wouldn’t have a problem with OH going for a walk with a female friend. But I would consider it odd that he hadn’t mentioned it beforehand. Surely once you live together it’s typical to talk about your plans for the day/week and mention when you’ve arranged something with friends? It’s just polite surely?

SlipperyNettle · 08/11/2018 09:42

How unhealthy to only go out as a couple. What happens when one of you dies. Do you never go out again.

You do hear of people who lose a spouse and then get frozen out of their social group because their ‘friends’ aren’t comfortable having a single person around or are threatened by it. It’s so sad. Not only losing your partner but also a load of friends at the same time.

lau888 · 08/11/2018 09:54

You are definitely not unreasonable to meet a friend for a walk in the park or any other social activity that friends normally do eg go for a coffee. Their gender is irrelevant.

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/11/2018 09:59

I have very close male friends. Dp has a few close female friends. As far as I'm aware it's a non issue. However if it was an ex etc then I wouldn't be that happy or if I asked and he didn't tell me the truth
Could you invite your DP to come next time so he meet him and that way isn't threatened?

Blobby10 · 08/11/2018 10:04

I had a platonic male friend a few years ago, genuinely nothing between us except friendship but he was going through a hard time and found it beneficial to talk things through with me over coffee - usually a busy Nerro or Costa. Always told my then DH where i was going but after about 4 months he decided he wasn't happy about it and why didn't i want to spend time with him instead?
The answer was he didn't need me and my friend needing me made me feel good. Dh was a boring old fart who talked about nothing except the past!! DH and I split up the following year and I suspect he never believed that nothing happened between my friend and I simply because most people believe men and women cant/shouldn't be friends as they can't possibly not be having or wanting to have sex too.

So whilst I do agree that you are doing nothing wrong, I dont think your DP or anyone else will ever believe that its a platonic friendship!

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2018 10:07

So whilst I do agree that you are doing nothing wrong, I dont think your DP or anyone else will ever believe that its a platonic friendship!

Rubbish. You can see on this thread plenty of men are capable of accepting platonic friendships between their partner and another man. The op’s DP doesn’t sound like one of those, and that would be grounds for splitting up to me.

Pissedoffdotcom · 08/11/2018 10:30

My DP has no issue with me having male friends. He definitely doesn't think i'm having an affair - emotionally or physically - with any of them!!! It is perfectly possible

Hoosh · 08/11/2018 10:32

Sounds to me like he either doesn't trust you to 'behave' yourself, or sees you as his property which needs to be kept secure. Fuck that shit.

What's he afraid of? You rejecting him by pursuing someone else, or him 'losing' you because another bloke takes you away? Either option is a shitty way to think about your partner.

There's a big difference between someone expressing a bit of insecurity, the two of you having an honest, caring conversation, trusting and reassuring each other and moving on, and someone getting huffy and trying to lay down the law.

DP and I have friends of both genders. We also trust each other. Otherwise we wouldn't be together.

ponceypoops · 08/11/2018 10:50

God no. YANBU. I meet male friends all the time, one of them is an ex from a million years ago as well! My DH also has quite a few female friends

I don't see the issue at all

Fuckimdoingaphd · 08/11/2018 10:55

I'm literally fucked then. My best friend is a man and I am going to his house on Saturday night and he is going to let me vent about a situation (have vented to BF but best friend knows the people involved better, BF is quite new) I don't really drink and best friend is promising to supply gin in bucket loads and hugs. I'll stay in his spare room and go home the next day.

SlipperyNettle · 08/11/2018 11:00

I'm literally fucked then.

If that’s the case then if I were your partner I’d definitely have a problem with your behaviour Fuckimdoingaphd ;)

ZaphodBeeblerox · 08/11/2018 11:00

Depends on whether it had been planned, and if it had been planned it would be mentioned ahead of time.

If DH or I ran into a friend of the opposite sex and had lunch together etc it would come up organically when we discussed our days. If we planned to meet a friend we’d probably mention it ahead of time. (Although having said that he does meet some female friends who work in the same building for lunch once in a while and I suppose they plan it in advance but it comes up when he’s telling me about his day in retrospect..).

It’s more a case of treat someone as you wish to be treated, and whether there is trust. If you have done the former then it appears your partner is lacking in trust.

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2018 11:07

Depends on whether it had been planned, and if it had been planned it would be mentioned ahead of time.
Why? Unless the op went out of her way not to mention it, it shouldn’t make any difference.

Fuckimdoingaphd · 08/11/2018 11:08

Not literally literally.

He's my best friend. I would do anything for him. But not that. To paraphrase Meatloaf.

Original poster

EvenSmilingMakesMyFaceAche · 08/11/2018 11:11

Thanks for all your replies, they've really made me think (and made my head spin a bit!) and I've found lots of them really helpful.

After a row and then a chat, it's clear that we've got quite different views on lots of things from whether the gender of our friends is even relevant to the way the division of labour should work within our marriage. Where we can agree though is that we want to work together and to both be happy, and we've decided to see a marriage counsellor

OP posts:

GerdaLovesLiIi · 08/11/2018 11:17

Ooooooer, there's some very odd answers on here. Odd because there wouldn't have been so many " I don't have any opposite-sex friends and I wouldn't let my partner have any either" answers even 5 years ago. I wonder what has changed?

It's fine. Going for a walk with a friend of any sex is fine. Unless you were plotting a quick roll in the undergrowth which I'm sure you know is not fine.

I'm bi. Am I not allowed out with any of my friends in case I accidentally have sex with them? How stupid would that be?!

SpannerH · 08/11/2018 11:22

a marriage counsellor? that seems to have escalated quickly unless there were a lot of other issues before now.

HashtagTeamRaven · 08/11/2018 11:59

I'd be consumed with jealousy if my DP did this, but I wouldn't say anything.
Though my DP is incredibly good looking and very charming so most women fancy him, he's constantly getting hit on (he also has no idea, which just attracts more attention) so I'd be extremely doubtful that the female friend didn't fancy him. Also, he's pretty shy so it would be out of character for him.

This probably stems from my insecurity though as DP is worth ten of me! Though he'd never ever cheat.

EurekaStreet · 08/11/2018 20:42

Hashtag, it’s really sweet that you fancy your husband, but a bit deluded to think ‘most women’ fancy him too, and that a female friend who went for a muddy November walk with him must be harbouring a violent crush. Are you sure this isn’t your own insecurity speaking?

I can objectively see that my male best friend is attractive, but we both made our life partner choices a long time ago, and are happy with them. His attractiveness or otherwise is irrelevant to our friendship.

l12ngo · 13/11/2018 16:31

I probably have more female friends than male (i'm a guy). I've gone for walks with them but I prefer it if we end up in a pub. There is nothing romantic about it, just friends.

I have a huge range of friends. Some are sporty (both male and female), some like a drink (both male and female), some like board games (both male and female) etc etc. I'd think nothing of going and meeting either a male or female friend and doing an activity with both enjoy. I have friends (both male and female) ranging from 19 years old up to their mid 70's and spend time with them alone without any worry about anything romantic going on.

I find it bizarre people think people can't just be friends. I admit I've had a handful of friends that I've fancied, some I even asked out when I first met but they said no and that was that. I'm capable of changing that relationship into a friendship and keeping it at that level though as I can control myself and let my feelings change and in these circumstances it was worth it to gain a new friend with similar interests.

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