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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend time with a male friend?

95 replies

EvenSmilingMakesMyFaceAche · 07/11/2018 21:27

Cuddling on the sofa this evening with DH, and I said that I'd really enjoyed the walk I'd taken today. He asked where I'd been, and I said I'd met a (male) friend at a country park.
For context, this is someone I know from a group that we're both members of that meets roughly every 6 weeks. It's a very close, friendly group but I hadn't ever seen him outside the group before, if that's relevant.
My DH stiffens and says he's really not happy with it. I look at him, kind of astounded, and ask why not? He says I can't be spending hours in the woods with a young man (friend is about 10 years younger than me) and he just doesn't think it's ok. He's gone off upstairs now because he's upset about it.
So I wanted to ask - is he right to feel so miffed? Was I unreasonable to meet a male friend and go for a walk?

OP posts:
SlothSlothSloth · 08/11/2018 00:19

Some of these replies are crazy. This would be very normal (for either of us) in my relationship. Can’t even comprehend it not being?!

Flyaway78 · 08/11/2018 00:31

Ridiculous.

You can go for a walk with a member of the opposite sex surely without your partner getting insecure?? This is madness..

Flyaway78 · 08/11/2018 00:39

I know people will mock me and dh but no we don't spend time alone with the opposite sex. There is no need for us to. I don't think most people set out to have an affair and I think under the right circumstances it's easy to see how they begin. We have a lot of couple friends and go out a lot, but that's different. Many will find this terribly old fashioned but it works for us

hilarious, you're 'that couple' who don't socialise with single people because you're terrified one of them might steal your man !!

Kattyy · 08/11/2018 00:45

I have many attractive male friends whom I'm just friends with. We have walks and dinners and chats. It's not a problem. Why should it be? Everyone needs friends.

Jlynhope · 08/11/2018 00:45

lol If that is how you want to view it that's fine. We have our agreed upon boundaries. My father lead a double life so maybe I am more protective. We are both in agreement though about our marriage so I don't see why it would bother anyone else.

ICantLikeDirtyTuna · 08/11/2018 00:48

Can’t see a problem with it myself. He may be old fashioned or have insecurities? Sounds like you need to have a good talk once he’s no longer so upset and try to get to the bottom of it as he hasn’t really offered up a good reason for you not to hang out with this friend.

Hopefully you will both be able to work it out somehow.

Flyaway78 · 08/11/2018 00:48

You sound terribly insecure in your relationship though..... maybe that needs some work as its not healthy.

Unicyclethief · 08/11/2018 00:49

I frequently don’t talk to my DH about meeting up with friends. They are my friends I doubt he would even be that interested. He also would not bat an eyelid if they were male, because he is not a jealous 14 year old.

LilyMarie · 08/11/2018 01:04

I've ended relationships in the past over this issue. I could never be in a relationship with someone that gets jealous over the friendships I have with other men. No one tells me who I can and cannot be friends with. Period.

Jlynhope · 08/11/2018 01:12

I have moments of insecurity sure, but for the most part we are quite comfortable with each other. We've been together 20 years now and this works for us. I don't see any reason to put myself in a situation where boundaries may become blurred. Early on I had male friends that I would spend time with alone and often it ended with me being hit on. I prefer to avoid that. I won't deny my past has influenced me in ways (and yes I've had therapy) but ultimately we are happy with things the way they are. It's not something that even comes up anymore because all of our friends are married and we socialize as a group. I don't think everyone is out to cheat but I also don't see being protective of our marriage as a bad way to be. You are welcome to disagree. We've been through infertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, special needs parenting and meet with many specialists weekly. We have an incredibly strong marriage that has been put to the test on many occasions. I don't think the basis of meeting with men or women alone can give anyone much insight into a relationship. This just works for us. I suspect not having that boundary works great for other people. Marriages are all different.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 08/11/2018 01:53

There is no reason why two friends of the opposite sex can't hang out and do fun things together. If there is an issue with that then either they or another friend has feelings for each other or there are issues in their own relationships and personal insecurities.

It all depends on your relationship and your friendships. If there are no feelings there then you have no reason to stop spending time with this guy. Reassure your partner and then do what works for you.

Faultymain5 · 08/11/2018 06:35

Don't think anyone has offered this perspective. Maybe he knows he can't be trusted.

So he is judging you by his standards. Have a talk to get to the root.

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2018 06:46

He's being jealous for no reason
It's pathetic

Jengnr · 08/11/2018 06:49

If my husband saw his arse over me going for a walk with somebody I’d hit the fucking ROOF!!

I don’t know who your husband thinks he is OP, but he’s showing you very clearly who he thinks YOU are, and it’s not pretty.

Scottishgirl85 · 08/11/2018 06:58

My husband has quite a few female friends and vice versa for me. He often meets them for a catch-up over drinks or dinner without me as they'll meet in London after work before getting trains home. We have young children so take it in turns for nights out! They're my friends too and I look forward to hearing their news via my husband! I have never found it odd in the slightest. The replies here are really strange and suggest very few people have solid trusting relationships.

Pissedoffdotcom · 08/11/2018 06:58

I'm interested to know where the line is drawn. You can't spend time with X because he is male. What next? You can't wear make up in case someone tells you you look great? You can't wear a skirt in case someone looks at your legs? How is one about 'boundaries' when all are controlling?

You are responsible for your own actions. If somebody flirts with you, you don't actually have to respond flirtatiously back? If someone hits on you, you don't have to fall into bed with them? If a male friend behaves inappropriately then fine, game over. But telling your spouse they can't walk with somebody because YOU are insecure is controlling

AdoreTheBeach · 08/11/2018 06:59

This is interesting.

If my DH told me he met a woman friend and went walking in the woods, I wouldn’t be happy about that.

However, thinking about this, I have gone for lunch with old work friends (male), they’ve visited me in my new business venture, brought coffee for a chat etc just two of us as opposed to a group get together.

Do I trust my DH, yes, and I’d be worried that it’s the woman he’d be out walking with had designs on him. That perhaps is not rational as he is over 50, slightly balding and overweight (which I don’t mind because to me he’s fabulous).

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 08/11/2018 07:00

Have you never had the 'how do feel about friends of the opposite sex' chat with DH?

Eh?! People have this as a discussion akin to how will we split the bills and where will we live after we get married? I just presume that if my partner has mixed-sex friend groups when we start going out then they will continue to socialise and gasp even make new friends of whatever sex while we are a couple. As will I.

I see nothing wrong with making your own plans and filling in your DH at the end of the day. I'd be more concerned if DH started briefing me on which friends he was meeting prior to the event just to make sure I was OK with it.

I don't spend my relationships anxiously keeping tabs on people in case they cheat on me, and if they cheat on me that is a reflection on them not me or who they were friends with.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 08/11/2018 07:10

Me and dp have big circle of friends (we also work at the same place and been together so long now that all our friends are 'blended') and I really wouldn't care if one of our female friends was alone with dp. Actually one woman regularly stays at our house when visiting the area for work and has done when I have been away, so just her and dp. I can hand on heart say this does not bother me at all. Likewise, I quite often have lunch with various men at work, mainly because it's a canteen and you just sit with who you know. We had a guy friend move in for a few months so I was often alone with him. Dp, again, really doesn't care. But I think it is because we know the relationships each other has with these people.

I think in your situation, it is different, it is the random bloke (have you even mentioned him before?) I don't like to admit it because I do honestly think men and women can have platonic relationships, but I think I would have been a bit Hmm if dp said he had gone out to meet a random (to me) woman in the woods for a walk.

Swanhild · 08/11/2018 08:16

Someone who is 100% comfortable with their partner going for walks in the park for hours with an acquaintance does not have a "better" relationship than someone who is made uncomfortable by the thought.

I disagree. There's a tragically Saudi Arabian quality to the latter unrelated men and women technically not allowed to be in the same space alone together in case they leap lustily upon one another and insecurity and possessiveness are always unattractive.

And someone's remark up the thread about how they would find it weird if their spouse had a male friend because men are only interested in 'men stuff' and women in women's stuff, so what could they possibly have to talk about on a long walk? is just sad. Do people really demarcate the world into Men (Football! Cars!) and Women (Shopping! Romcoms!) in that grimly stereotypical a way? Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2018 08:26

I don't think the basis of meeting with men or women alone can give anyone much insight into a relationship.

Rubbish. If a couple doesn’t feel their partner can’t be trusted to meet a member of the opposite sec alone that tells me there’s no trust.

And as for “why do you need to meet up alone”, they’re my friend not my dh’s, I’m glad he understands and actually trusts me.

ShatnersWig · 08/11/2018 08:38

I'm a man. My best friend is female. In fact, eight of my ten closest friends would be female. I am not gay. But when I was at infants and primary school, there were just 5 boys out of a class of 21, and three of those boys lived in outlying villages not our very small town. So from a very young age, my friends and kids I played with were mostly girls. It has therefore never seemed odd to me to have good female friends.

It has only been a problem with one ex-girlfriend. Hence her being an ex-. Sorry, my friends were around long before she was, have always been there for me and vice versa. I've never kissed any of them, never wanted to. My best friend and I have both been long term single and we've managed to keep our hands off each other. No one gets to tell me I can't see them or speak to friends unless they are also present.

If you have a trust issue or a jealousy issue, it's your issue. Controlling behaviour is controlling behaviour whatever the gender.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/11/2018 08:38

No one ever stopped a partner from getting bored with them and starting a sexual relationship with someone else by obsessive controlling, whining, spying and making demands. Even if you terrify your partner with threats of what will happen if you 'catch them cheating' (in which case you are a shit and should not be having relationships with other people) sooner or later, they will dump you. And insecure, paranoid whinyarses are so unpleasant to be with that the harassed partner is quite likely to start looking around for an exit affair anyway.

ThistleAmore · 08/11/2018 08:57

This is...weird. Of course my OH and I have friends of the opposite sex we meet up with, because we don't live in Saudi Arabia or a DH Lawrence novel.

And as for the PP who divided the world into 'stuff men talk about' and 'stuff women talk about' - you'd be clutching your pearls over the relationship I have with one particular (MALE!) friend.

When we meet for lunch or a drink - without my OH or his wife - we generally spend our time talking very enthusiastically about rugby statistics and how best to build new analytical tools - sport AND maths, goodness me!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/11/2018 09:30

How unhealthy to only go out as a couple. What happens when one of you dies. Do you never go out again.

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