Feeling so fed up with greedy sibling !
Shazafied · 07/11/2018 17:10
In the last few days I have really sunk into a pit of doom, misery and bitterness. I am currently pregnant with an SCH which keeps growing so am a bit of an anxious mess, am on “restricted activity” (can’t go out and do stuff) and I have the worlds worst cold / cough / sinuses so I may not be in the best frame of mind.
I’m one of three siblings and my little brother (and his wife’s) is really starting to grate on me, compounded by my father perhaps being insensitive.
Since meeting his now wife 2 years ago my brother has asked my father for money for
-18 month trip travelling round the world. They saved some but only over , they were given significant financial help from my father to enable this (around £7k I believe). (The Christmas before they left we all got an email saying that they weren’t doing presents that year as they were saving, but could we please all get them something from the attached list of items that they’ll need for their travels - all high end , cheapest item on the list £50)!
-two plush weddings. One halfway around the world (just cos they fancied it- no family connection there or anything) and a second (large traditional) one in the uk when they got back. My Dsil parents helped with the cost of these too. At one point , when I was pregnant with my first baby and buying everything I needed second hand, my brother and I both received and email from Dsil’s mother asking if we’d each put in a “few hundred pounds” towards flying Dsis’s preferred photographer from the UK to the US for the “US wedding” so that they had the same photographer for both. We both said no so my dad ended up paying for “our share” of this as well, at Dsil’s mothers request.
-their first months rent and deposit on a rental flat as soon as they get back. (They got back 3m ago now with no money at all).
-my brother has just landed a well paid job but hasn’t been paid yet, he has just started. Dsil has taken a part time more creative job thatvis badly paid but something she enjoys. Fine.... but they saw a house for sale that they wanted shortly after my brother got offered his new job. It’s £200k and they need a 10% deposit plus other costs (a new build, not sure what the other costs are) and they have asked my dad for the money and he has agreed- £20k. (My younger brother told my mum this and she told me)
-Dsil parents also bought them a car for their wedding present, when they returned to the uk.
My other sibling and I work really hard, he has two DC and I have a 1yo plus am pregnant. We have modest houses, modest lives, no foreign holidays at the moment and we live within our means. I got £300 towards my wedding from my dad, that was 3 years ago and it paid for a few people to go out for lunch. We didn’t have a photographer as we couldn’t afford one, and it didn’t occur to me to ask for the money. My DB has a very similar outlook... but since meeting his wife my brother has become somewhat shameless about asking for money, even when not Struggling (is never want him to struggle) and my dad just gives him it!
My dad is retired, single and is comfortable but not loaded .... a few months ago he said to both my older brother and I that he was aware that financial help has been uneven and that he has a pension pot (£20k) that he hasn’t touched yet. He said (on several occasions) that he was going to release the funds and give each of his 3 children a 1/3 lump sum (apropos of nothing by the way, neither DB nor I had asked for money or moaned or anything!) both DB and I replied that we’d never expect or ask for such a sum , is there nothing he wants to use it for himself etc. We both did say that we’d be forever grateful for such a sum as it would really help us out , but it was up to him. I didn’t think much about it since then.... Fast forward to now and neither older brother or I have heard anything further on the matter and younger brother now having house deposit paid for.
I my not be able to go back to work between babies due to this SCH so suddenly money has got tighter. We will survive but there will be no luxuries.
For the first time ever I just feel like having a rant about my brother! Maybe I’m just so miserable just now I’m being unkind. He was never like this before, but since he met Dsil he has become so grabby .... they just ask ask ask and take take take. I get the impression that Dsil has always been given whatever she wants, and this has rubbed off on DB.
My dad hasn’t even been in touch with me to see how I am, despite me trying to call and sending messages about the haematoma. I don’t think he thinks it’s serious. I even messaged my younger brother yesterday to say “have you spoken to dad lately?” And he replied that they’d been speaking yesterday about DBs new house... DB didn’t ask how I am either!
Gosh I feel so sorry for myself and pissed off. Am now awaiting email from Dsil’s mother with a list of expensive items that DB and Dsil need for the new house and “which would I like to buy them?”
I think I’ve ranted enough, sorry everyone!! Am I just a miserable
MadisonMontgomery · 07/11/2018 18:41
When these emails come through, is it to everyone including your DF? Next time you get a grabby email (and I’m sure you will) I would reply saying no, giving the details of your current situation and why you can’t afford it, and cc your whole family in. Make your DB and DF realise the realities of your situation and how ridiculous it all is!
Shazafied · 07/11/2018 18:53
@madison it varies. That’s a good idea though. I was shocked when Dsil mother emailed about the photographer as I didn’t give her my email address - DB and Dsil must have provided it !
Man I thought I’d get flamed on here, I’m so glad people understand. I’m not moaning because i asked daddy for money for a holiday and he said no....
It’s just the whole massive fucked up thing !!
Also this thread is taking my mind of my health concerns so thanks for that !
MrsWobble3 · 07/11/2018 18:54
Hope this is not too morbid but meant as a warning. If your dad dies less than 7 years after giving the gifts there may be a tax liability. One of my friends had this happen and as her brother had already spent all he had been given she ended up losing most of what little she was given in the will to the taxman. I know no one should rely on an inheritance - but it rubbed salt into the wounds of what was already unfair.
tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 19:09
This situation seriously reminds me of my MIL and her kids of which my husband is one. BIL casually dropped on everyone few years ago that he decided that MIL needs care and he, wife + 2 kids will be selling their house to move in with MIL and using the money from the sale of their house to renovate MIL's house to bring it up to date with modern standards. MIL doesn't need any care as she is fully able bodied, of sound mind and generally physically fit; only occasional aches and pains but nothing out of ordinary for her age. However what BIL definitely needs is a bigger house because he, wife and 2 kids are currently in a much smaller house than MIL's house, which was their family home when they were kids.
So he effectively decided he is inheriting the house for himself and using the money he has plus the proceeds from the sale of his house to bring MIL's house to the modern standards that he would require as MIL's house is, indeed, quite outdated but is, in fact, done in her old fashioned taste.
MIL's comment to others was: apparently she decided that nobody else would need the money anyway as everyone is independent and working (so is BIL but that seems to have no bearing on the situation).
That's that. And BIL tried to convince everyone it was MIL's decision and, in the end, actually fell out with my husband by calling him greedy because my husband said he personally didn't need anything but didn't think it was that fair to leave his sisters with nothing at all, especially as one of them is doing by far the most for MIL.
I truly need nothing from MIL as we always supported ourselves. However some people's greed really is absolutely amazing.
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/11/2018 19:30
I'd be mad too. It just feels like he is taking advantage of your dad. I don't think siblings have to be treated 100pc equally but this is completely the other side of the scale and is grossly unfair to you and other brother. I think if he was disadvantaged in some way it would be different (struggling financially despite working hard, ill health, made redundant or something) but he's basically just asking for your dad to fund an amazing luxury lifestyle while the rest of you live normally, just because he can. Who knows why your dad is giving it to him and how your dad perceives your and your other brothers finances. But it just feels wrong that he's asking for things he just wants and doesn't need - wrong from the point of view that nobody knows what the future holds and your dad might need it, wrong from the point of view it doesn't sound like he is giving your dad that much back (if he lived with him to help care for him it might be different or had committed to caring for him in old age for example), wrong from the point of view there is limited funds and there will be less for his siblings and nieces and nephews and wrong from the point of view it's just rude to ask for any gifts let alone very expensive ones
Could you and your other brother have a chat with greedy brother? What does nice brother say? You could say something along the lines of you wanted to chat about looking after your dad in old age and care home fees and presumably as these have gone to greedy brother and he is obviously closer to your dad than the rest of you that he will be doing the majority of the care when it is needed?
Whipsmart · 07/11/2018 19:37
Do you think you could have s casual chat with your dad - "Hey dad, have you ever thought about how much money you've given to dB and Sil, compared with how much you've given to me and other dB?"
I know you're not asking for money but I feel like he needs to have the discrepancy pointed out!
Gyoza · 08/11/2018 18:22
Wow, YANBU to be annoyed by this! The wedding photographer money request and gift list is first class cheeky fuckery!
I can kind of understand your DF giving the money towards a trip, if it’s a once in a lifetime thing that your DF wants your DB to experience and maybe regrets not doing the same in his youth? however it seems very irresponsible of DB and SIL to plan such an extravagant trip without the funds in place and without back up savings to pay for somewhere to stay when they return, unless alternative accommodation fell through?
However, a house deposit is a serious amount of money, giving that amount to one child and not the others is really unfair and you’d be right to say something to your DF. it does sound like he may be feeling pressurised into giving away the money, Did SIL family contribute to her half of the trip/wedding? You say you heard about the deposit through your other DB and DM? I would ask them to broach the subject with your DF, but it’s not worth you getting stressed and upset by getting involved when you need to be taking care of yourself and baby. I hope you feel better soon xx
Ineweverything · 08/11/2018 18:32
My parents did this. Distributed their money massively unevenly. DF is now deceased. DM is now in need of more care. Sibling and I who received least, the non squeaky wheels, are called on the most for care. I think it has destroyed relationships. BTW I told my parents often that I felt they were being unfair. It made no difference.
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