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AIBU?

Feeling so fed up with greedy sibling !

36 replies

Shazafied · 07/11/2018 17:10

Oh dear,

In the last few days I have really sunk into a pit of doom, misery and bitterness. I am currently pregnant with an SCH which keeps growing so am a bit of an anxious mess, am on “restricted activity” (can’t go out and do stuff) and I have the worlds worst cold / cough / sinuses so I may not be in the best frame of mind.

I’m one of three siblings and my little brother (and his wife’s) is really starting to grate on me, compounded by my father perhaps being insensitive.

Since meeting his now wife 2 years ago my brother has asked my father for money for

-18 month trip travelling round the world. They saved some but only over , they were given significant financial help from my father to enable this (around £7k I believe). (The Christmas before they left we all got an email saying that they weren’t doing presents that year as they were saving, but could we please all get them something from the attached list of items that they’ll need for their travels - all high end , cheapest item on the list £50)!

-two plush weddings. One halfway around the world (just cos they fancied it- no family connection there or anything) and a second (large traditional) one in the uk when they got back. My Dsil parents helped with the cost of these too. At one point , when I was pregnant with my first baby and buying everything I needed second hand, my brother and I both received and email from Dsil’s mother asking if we’d each put in a “few hundred pounds” towards flying Dsis’s preferred photographer from the UK to the US for the “US wedding” so that they had the same photographer for both. We both said no so my dad ended up paying for “our share” of this as well, at Dsil’s mothers request.

-their first months rent and deposit on a rental flat as soon as they get back. (They got back 3m ago now with no money at all).

-my brother has just landed a well paid job but hasn’t been paid yet, he has just started. Dsil has taken a part time more creative job thatvis badly paid but something she enjoys. Fine.... but they saw a house for sale that they wanted shortly after my brother got offered his new job. It’s £200k and they need a 10% deposit plus other costs (a new build, not sure what the other costs are) and they have asked my dad for the money and he has agreed- £20k. (My younger brother told my mum this and she told me)

-Dsil parents also bought them a car for their wedding present, when they returned to the uk.

My other sibling and I work really hard, he has two DC and I have a 1yo plus am pregnant. We have modest houses, modest lives, no foreign holidays at the moment and we live within our means. I got £300 towards my wedding from my dad, that was 3 years ago and it paid for a few people to go out for lunch. We didn’t have a photographer as we couldn’t afford one, and it didn’t occur to me to ask for the money. My DB has a very similar outlook... but since meeting his wife my brother has become somewhat shameless about asking for money, even when not Struggling (is never want him to struggle) and my dad just gives him it!

My dad is retired, single and is comfortable but not loaded .... a few months ago he said to both my older brother and I that he was aware that financial help has been uneven and that he has a pension pot (£20k) that he hasn’t touched yet. He said (on several occasions) that he was going to release the funds and give each of his 3 children a 1/3 lump sum (apropos of nothing by the way, neither DB nor I had asked for money or moaned or anything!) both DB and I replied that we’d never expect or ask for such a sum , is there nothing he wants to use it for himself etc. We both did say that we’d be forever grateful for such a sum as it would really help us out , but it was up to him. I didn’t think much about it since then.... Fast forward to now and neither older brother or I have heard anything further on the matter and younger brother now having house deposit paid for.

I my not be able to go back to work between babies due to this SCH so suddenly money has got tighter. We will survive but there will be no luxuries.

For the first time ever I just feel like having a rant about my brother! Maybe I’m just so miserable just now I’m being unkind. He was never like this before, but since he met Dsil he has become so grabby .... they just ask ask ask and take take take. I get the impression that Dsil has always been given whatever she wants, and this has rubbed off on DB.

My dad hasn’t even been in touch with me to see how I am, despite me trying to call and sending messages about the haematoma. I don’t think he thinks it’s serious. I even messaged my younger brother yesterday to say “have you spoken to dad lately?” And he replied that they’d been speaking yesterday about DBs new house... DB didn’t ask how I am either!

Gosh I feel so sorry for myself and pissed off. Am now awaiting email from Dsil’s mother with a list of expensive items that DB and Dsil need for the new house and “which would I like to buy them?”

I think I’ve ranted enough, sorry everyone!! Am I just a miserable
Cow?!

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Shazafied · 07/11/2018 17:14

Gosh I feel so sorry for myself and pissed off. Am now awaiting email from Dsil’s mother with a list of expensive items that DB and Dsil need for the new house and “which would I like to buy them?”

This is me being facetious by the way,
Nobody has said such a request is coming , but it wouldn’t surprise me !!

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flossieisbossy · 07/11/2018 17:18

No you are not
They are massively taking the piss
Hope everything goes well for you OP

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Rainagain1 · 07/11/2018 17:19

Urgh poor you! It is unfair and I wouldn't be surprised if the granny house warming list appears.

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Rainagain1 · 07/11/2018 17:19

** grabby not granny

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mbosnz · 07/11/2018 17:19

Wow.

I'd be feeling mightily cheesed off! Why on Earth does your father give in, enable and endorse such outlandishly spoilt brattish and grasping behaviour?!

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Shazafied · 07/11/2018 17:22

Thanks guys, I just needed a vent. It’s not just me, it’s insane isn’t it ??!! I feel like I’m the only outraged one in the family.

On the one hand I know my dad can do what he likes with his money. On the other hand I feel like ringing him crying and saying “what about me and older-DB dad?”

But then we never have asked, because we can put food on the table and get by. So my dad , who can be insensitive, perhaps just doesn’t realise how mad it all is.

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Shazafied · 07/11/2018 17:23

But then we never have asked (for money)

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fuzzywuzzy · 07/11/2018 17:25

Ignore any and all begging emails from your brother, SIL or her family.

I’m not surprised you’re angry and hurt. If your dads handing over his entire pension pot or your brother for his new house deposit what’s he going to do when he becomes older and frail and needs care? Who’s paying for him then?

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Shazafied · 07/11/2018 17:28

@mbosnz my dad can be eccentric and insensitive, he has always had a comfortable life and I genuinely don’t think he realises how hard things are for working families these days.

My younger DB is the baby and I don’t know, my dad seems very impressed by him. By his desire to travel the world etc.

But perhaps I can’t complain as I’ve never actually asked him for money. I just don’t think it’s right.... I’m starting to think I should though !!

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Shazafied · 07/11/2018 17:30

@fuzzywuzzy my dad has other active pensions he is receiving money from. This was a foreign one that just “just been sitting there” apparently. Probably all gone now.

But it does occur to me that it will probably be me that mostly assists dad in his old age. I’ve been the one to assist DM with money and housing matters in the past.

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DannyWallace · 07/11/2018 17:39

Bloody hell!
You have every permission to rant away!! This would do my absolute head in!!
However, I hope you're resting up and that the rest of your pregnancy goes well Thanks

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mbosnz · 07/11/2018 17:41

This imbalance is really seriously likely to cause serious detriment to the sibling relationships, particularly after your Dad passes on. Do you think you could gently point that potential impact that your Dad may not have thought about, out to him?

And do you think you and your other brother could turn around and say 'oi, what the hell are you playing at little brother, you're seriously taking the piss here'?

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DingDongDenny · 07/11/2018 17:45

I wouldn't normally say this, as I'm totally for standing on your own two feet, but I would ask your dad for money. Giving the reason you gave here that you won't be able to go back to work.

And I bet when your brother has kids there will be demands for a new pram. etc....

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Weezol · 07/11/2018 17:46

I would be having a rant too! Pair of grabby CF's.

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ThistleAmore · 07/11/2018 17:49

Unfortunately, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, as they say.

Normally, I'm very anti-'money has to be divided equally between adult children' (FFS, you're a grown-up, earn your own money), but this is really quite unfair - not just financially, but emotionally too, as it sounds like your younger brother has your dad's ear in a way that neither you or your older brother do.

What's your relationship like, as a whole? Could you perhaps meet your father for lunch, with your older brother, and just...tell him about your lives, and those of his grandchildren? Perhaps he feels that you guys have 'your thing' now and he's no longer 'needed' in the way your younger brother appears to need him?

Please though, don't let this ferment. I've seen some nasty things happen to families over money.

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LunaTheCat · 07/11/2018 17:52

Bloody hell. Your poor Dad. What an awful, grasping sibling he is.
It sounds like financial abuse to me.
Maybe someone needs a quiet word with your Dad- do you have another trusted family member?

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everydayunicorns · 07/11/2018 18:11

*@LunaTheCat you may have hit the nail on the head. It does sound like financial abuse, what happens when the money runs out, who will bail the Dad out??

The whole thing stinks , rant away OP you deserve to rant a lot on this one. It is quite outrageous behaviour.

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beyondthesky · 07/11/2018 18:16

I'd be telling the DSIL's mother never to contact me ever again for any reason - but not as politely as that!

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tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 18:18

I think I would pretty hacked off too. Not a lot you can do though because dad's money means dad can give it or spend as he wishes. This does not in any way diminish my understanding of how you feel however!

Your brother and his wife are definitely taking the piss and, frankly, I'd write back to them about their wishlist and say you aren't doing any presents this year as need to save up now that you have a baby on the way.

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monkymoose · 07/11/2018 18:20

yies your brother is a massive twat so is his wife!!!! also i had a sch from what i believe you dot have to rest, i walked the dogs and managed work. i was told movement and activity doesn't affect it. the baby was fine.

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MrsStrowman · 07/11/2018 18:21

Is your dad of the don't ask don't get mentality? I'd ask, I'd tell him I'm off work because of the SCH 'money is really tight, some financial help would be amazing right now, I'm losing £20k (or however much it is) by being off sick and maternity leave and seeing as you've been able to help DB a few times I thought I'd ask even though I really don't like to and wouldn't if I wasn't struggling'. Take it from there, he's been very unfair up to this point, but I bet if you challenged it he'd say well I didn't know your brother asked you didn't, so take that excuse away.

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Shazafied · 07/11/2018 18:25

I think , currently , my dad is ok for money . But that doesn’t make it ok, he might not be ok for money and my DB would still ask. And yes, money runs out. As far as I know he has several quite good pensions (he once told me he has £3k per month in pension income, doesn’t have a mortgage etc). This £20k was an unused pot.

But you are right. It’s still a total piss take, and I do worry about my dad’s ability to say no, even if he couldn’t afford it.

On the other hand my dad does seem to show favouritism for my young DB... I think my older DB and I are the ones that have made the “boring” choices and seen as not needing money, as we get on with it and don’t ask.

I do feel like emailing my brother and saying “I hope you are not going to ask for anything else” etc but that might damage relations irreparably.

I really do feel that if it wasn’t for entitled Dsil that most of this would not have happened, but I could be wrong.

I mean, when Dsil's mother emailed asking me and older DB for money for a photographer to be flown across the world it seemed as though she thought it was quite normal. “Dsil must have what she wants!” mentality.

My DF lives in a remote part of the uk on his own and despite me asking him to live closer to us he has so far refused. He means well, but can be odd, distant, eccentric. I’ve asked him to join us for Xmas this year as I don’t want him to be alone but he’s said he has an afternoon tea with the ramblers club on 28/12 and “what is he couldn’t get back for it” so is spending Xmas alone. I do feel like since retirement his world has shrunk a bit and he is getting a bit more odd, easily flustered etc, but he seems to know what he’s doing and can actually be quite stubborn.

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Shazafied · 07/11/2018 18:29

@monkymoose thanks km so glad your baby was ok, that is heartening! I think due to the size and location of mine I’ve been advised by obstetrician to be on restricted activity pending next scan... maybe there will be better news for me in a week or so!

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shiningstar2 · 07/11/2018 18:32

This is a very difficult situation. Your brother and his wife seem shockingly greedy...unless your dad is aware of all 3 of his children's situations but chooses to give all his support to this one son. There is no accounting for what happens in families.

When parents have young children most try to keep them equal as far as possible. This is only fair but it can come as a shock in adulthood when some siblings are better off than others and it seems to add insult to injury when parents don't keep to trying to be equal in support with money childcare ext.

i don't know what the answer is. If your father is secretly feeling a bit pressurized by your brother but not saying so ...if you and your other brother tell him how much you are struggling he might feel that you too are also putting pressure on him just as kids might say ' you gave him sweets/a tenner ext ext my turn now ...where's mine?

Having said that I do see how this brother's and his wife's attitude might grate when you are struggling. It's not really just the money is it ...you are bound to feel that your father must love the other brother more than you. Not necessarily the case and you don't want to hurt him if he is feeling the pressure from your brother by appearing to be becoming as grabby as him.

Not much help to you op. All I can say is I feel your pain ...I know where you are coming from ...but I don't have any easy answers. Hope others here might have some more useful ideas on how to tackle this.

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2ManyChoices · 07/11/2018 18:33

@Shazafied are you my sister? Because I too have a younger brother who has a grabby Mrs. And honestly talk about champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget, they need a new sofa, apparently as the old one is less that 18 months old, I pulled my sofa out of a skip (it's a good sofa and only went in the skip because it didn't fit through the door of the house)
Recently spent an obscene amount of money on a weeks holiday that we do every year as a family of 5 for less than they paid, same flights, same accommodation, just upgraded everything. I'm all for living to your means, but don't live beyond and then ask my parents to bail you out every bloody month. Gets tedious.

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