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AIBU?

To feel sad for my friend

44 replies

Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 13:46

My friend is getting married soon. I don't particularly like her fiance but he's not my fiance so I've obviously not said anything.
Today I commented on something of Facebook about domestic violence, this led to him replying to me with a tirade about how women are equally as violent as men and that women lie and hundreds of men are locked up cause of this. It wasn't anything of his that I commented on and his points had very little to do with my original comment.
I'm so sad that a man with this kind of thinking is who my friend is marrying and bringing up a daughter with.
In the past if he has disagreed with one of her friends then they don't talk to them so I'm expecting to be uninvited from the wedding sometime soon. He is quite controlling but she won't hear anything bad about him.
It was such an extreme response to my 1 comment about how dv is a major cause of women's deaths globally. Should I worry about my friend?

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 14:36

Just had the "have you had an argument with xxx" from my friend. I mean the answer is no he had an argument with himself but I know she will share it with him and he will get more annoyed about it. Probably doesn't help that a mutual friend has disagreed with his comments.

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MrsStrowman · 07/11/2018 14:43

Ugh he sounds awful. I'd just say to your friend, no I posted some statistics about DA and he took offence for some reason, but I'll remove him from my social media as my intention want to upset anyone. I know you probably want to say to him and her that he's a misogynistic controlling prick, but she's going to need you at some point and the more isolated he makes her from friends the worse it will be for her

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RiverTam · 07/11/2018 14:47

anyone who thinks that 98% and 2% (men/women sexual crime stats, it's 95% to 5% for violent crime) is clearly a misogynistic idiot. I'm at the stage of life where I think I would just point this out to him, and to her say what you've said here, that he clearly doesn't like women disagreeing with him and is she prepared to potentially lose her friends for him?

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 14:55

I definitely want to call him out on his misogyny but like you said don't want to end up losing a friend. I know he doesn't like me at all. He has a tendency of making plans to try and stop us seeing each other. I think it's cause the first time we met he made some comment about women having no place in sport so I pulled him up on it. I hate seeing my friend with him. In the space of 2 years we have gone from seeing each other at least every 2 weeks to hardly at all. I had a baby 4 months ago and he wouldn't let her come and see me as it was his weekend off and he wanted her at home.

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Iaimtomisbehave1 · 07/11/2018 14:59

If this were my friend, I would be saying this to her... not online. I wouldnt leave my friend to marry someone like that without trying everything. A whole part of abusive men is that they can weasel their way in slowly and carefully and blind the woman from what they are doing. Intervention is what is needed, and if you lose your friend then you leave it by telling her you love her and you'd rather risk losing her forever than leaving her with him.

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Lydiaatthebarre · 07/11/2018 14:59

I think someone needs to be giving your friend some serious advice. She probably won't listen, she may not want anything more to do with that friend, but someone still needs to try. She is heading down a dangerous road.

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Holdingonbarely · 07/11/2018 14:59

God what a dickhead. Why the fuck is he commenting on your stuff anyway, that’s just odd.
I’d just be jokey and blaze about it, there’s no point trying to fight these people, they enjoy it too much, and I’m sure he just wants to have an argument so he can get you out of the wedding
Try and stay friends with her, she’ll need you in the future

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Holdingonbarely · 07/11/2018 15:00

And I meant jokey and blaze in a text that he’s likely to look at. Say something to her face alone about how worried you are

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selfidentifyinggiraffe · 07/11/2018 15:01

Getting so involved as to argue with her mates over stats on domestic violence sounds a big red flag to me...

Has she used Clare's law before she marries him??

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Emma765 · 07/11/2018 15:04

I'd just screenshot the interaction on Facebook and say no I didn't argue with him, he disagreed with something I said on Facebook. Just let her see what actually happened.

I'd keep my friend as close as possible, she might need you at some point.

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NorthernRunner · 07/11/2018 15:05

Eurgh he sounds like a prize twat.
Are you concerned he is abusive towards her? Or am I reading something into it that wasn’t there?
I would text your friend and say no we haven’t had an argument, I just have very different view to what he has and leave it at that.
I fear you may lose your friend until she loses that idiot xx

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RiverTam · 07/11/2018 15:05

wow, he sounds very controlling. I have no idea how you'd approach this but she really doesn't want to be marrying him, let alone having children with him.

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:08

I doubt she has. Within 2 months of meeting they moved in together and 2 months later she was pregnant. She had just come out of a long term relationship at the time and got swept up fast. I will try and make arrangements to see her face to face but seeing her alone is getting increasingly difficult.

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:11

I think he's controlling so yes I do worry about abuse. I have sent her a screenshot and said he just didn't agree with my point of view. We will see what happens.

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selfidentifyinggiraffe · 07/11/2018 15:13

Sounds quite textbook. She's likely to need you

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NorthernRunner · 07/11/2018 15:13

Dobby- there is advice on Women’s Aid website should you need it. From your posts I am already concerned. Look out for your friend xx

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cstaff · 07/11/2018 15:14

Wow - that sounds like a recipe for disaster but as others have said I would stay as close to your friend as you are allowed. Definitely don't drop her as it does sound like that is exactly what he would want. She will need your support eventually - it is just a matter of how soon.

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Lovemusic33 · 07/11/2018 15:20

Has he got a past (ex, other dc’s)? Sounds like she rushed into a relationship and probably doesn’t know much about his past. He sounds similar to a guy I met a few years ago, pushed his way into my life, would comment of things on my Facebook (I removed him several times) and ended up being really abusive and controlling.

I’m not sure what you can do, chances are she won’t listen to you, all you can do is be there when it all goes wrong.

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BobLemon · 07/11/2018 15:21

Woah. That’s alarming. Did you reply to his comment at all?

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:26

I replied to his first comment just saying that I was just pointing out that dv is a real danger to the lives of women. He then proceeded to comment 3 more times with varying 'facts' about male dv and that women kill men all the time and get away with it and that women accuse men of rape and ruin lives just cause they regret sex. I didn't engage with him but a mutual friend did call him out on it all.

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ThistleAmore · 07/11/2018 15:31

Erk - there are a LOT of red flags here, aren't there?

As other PPs have said, try to stay as close to your friend as you are 'allowed' ATM - do you have other mutual friends that you could discuss your concerns with?

I'm not suggesting staging an intervention or anything (I doubt that would go down well at this stage), but I think it would be useful to ensure you're all on the same page and be aware that your help may be needed, sooner rather than later.

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SirVixofVixHall · 07/11/2018 15:31

He sounds absolutely vile. I don’t know what I would do in your place, I would definitely point out the stats above, and let him expose himself for what he is.
With your friend, could you gently say “your feelings on women’s rights are very different from his aren’t they “ ? Or “ I don’t think he likes us meeting up, is he like this about all your friends “?
She would be insane to marry him, we all know what marriage to someone like this would be like.
Was her ex abusive ? Why has she fallen for such a nob ?

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Icantmakeanomelette · 07/11/2018 15:32

YANBU about any of it.

And the "women cry rape because the regret sex" is the weirdest bunch of patriarchal bullshit anywhere.

How would going through a rape investigation be a solution to regretting sex? I had a tattoo I regretted. I didn't report the tattoo artist for assault.

He's a twat.

Your friend is making a huge mistake.

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:33

Sadly she doesn't have many friends anymore. I know her elder sister has approached her with her concerns but it didn't go down well. Even her hen party is me her sisters and then a load of his cousins.

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:38

sirvix her ex was nice but just wasn't ready to settle down and his family loved abroad and he wanted to move back to live near them. It was a case of life plans not matching up rather than any major callings out.
I dunno how she ended up with him tbh.

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