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AIBU?

To feel sad for my friend

44 replies

Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 13:46

My friend is getting married soon. I don't particularly like her fiance but he's not my fiance so I've obviously not said anything.
Today I commented on something of Facebook about domestic violence, this led to him replying to me with a tirade about how women are equally as violent as men and that women lie and hundreds of men are locked up cause of this. It wasn't anything of his that I commented on and his points had very little to do with my original comment.
I'm so sad that a man with this kind of thinking is who my friend is marrying and bringing up a daughter with.
In the past if he has disagreed with one of her friends then they don't talk to them so I'm expecting to be uninvited from the wedding sometime soon. He is quite controlling but she won't hear anything bad about him.
It was such an extreme response to my 1 comment about how dv is a major cause of women's deaths globally. Should I worry about my friend?

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Dobbythesockelf · 09/11/2018 16:33

I'm going to leave lines of communication open but not chase her atm. What will be will be. Not much I can do about it at the end of the day sadly.

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WhyAmISoCold · 09/11/2018 16:12

YANBU. What a wanker. He's really done a number on her.

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 15:37

As much as it's hurtful to you OP please keep in mind that she's being controlled

And don't hold it against her when she finally realises and comes running to you. She really will need her friends if she has much chance of escaping

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 14:59

Oh god he has really got her in control, alienating her from her friends 😪😪😪

Dobbythesockelf · 09/11/2018 13:54

Just to update my friend hasn't replied to my messages. I'll leave it a few weeks and see what happens. If I don't hear from her I'll message her sister who has arranged her hen do. I don't want to waste an evening going somewhere I'm not wanted.

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Boreddotcom · 07/11/2018 20:12

I would make sure I was in the background for this friend whatever happens next.

She's going to need someone in her corner in the future.

CallMeRachel · 07/11/2018 18:08

Where and when is the wedding?!!

Can you cancel the venue??

She should absolutely not marry this prick.

MiniCooperLover · 07/11/2018 17:29

Unfortunately the fact she has a child with him will make it a lot harder to get her out. Good luck OP.

Glossymare · 07/11/2018 17:12

He sounds awful. I hope she breaks free from him.

Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 17:07

I have messaged her asking if she wants to go out for coffee next week but she hasn't replied. It makes me sad that men still think this way about women. I mean it doesn't surprise me but it still makes me sad. My dh has seen the post and the guys comments and just said he wouldn't want me alone with a man that reacts like that.
So sick of casual sexism and misogyny. I think this has probably annoyed me a bit more cause I was originally sharing the post cause my mum was in an abusive relationship before she met my dad and when she left he hit her with his car. This happened over 35 years ago and my mum is still dealing with the after affects. So when I saw the original post I just shared it to say more still needs to be done.

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Belindabauer · 07/11/2018 16:36

Just be there for her op.
Don't text/write anything negative about him in case he sees it, keep that for face to face conversations.
As suggested I would block hum from all your accounts so as to avoid him like the plague.
He sounds a complete dick.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2018 16:36

I think you, her sister, parents, friends need to meet up with her (without him) and talk to her, see if you can get her alone.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2018 16:33

He is controlling and alientating her, which is what abusers do . Poor woman, just be there for her, I suspect she knows that this is wrong and she does not even want to marry him, but is controlled and coerced so much .

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/11/2018 16:30

He really hates women doesnt he? I would be very very worried, he sounds like it wont be long before his fists do the talking if they are not already.

DerelictWreck · 07/11/2018 16:21

RiverTam

anyone who thinks that 98% and 2% (men/women sexual crime stats, it's 95% to 5% for violent crime) is clearly a misogynistic idiot.

Where's that from please?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/11/2018 15:56

Can you not get together with her sister and other concerned friends and stage a bit of an intervention? Maybe if you are all saying the same thing about him she will realise that there is truth in it.

When my DD was seeing a controlling man, what helped her see the light was me saying, "Oh next he'll be falling ill when you want to see your friends, he'll surprise you with a night out when you have plans to see me," and so on. Which of course he did because controlling men tend to follow the same script, so he was easy to predict. It helped her to see him for what he was.

Troels · 07/11/2018 15:45

Poor woman she's really had the wool pulled over her eyes by him. I hope she sees sense soon. Make sure to tell her you love her and if she ever needs to talk you'll be there for her. Chances are you'll be univited and he'll stop her seeing you.

81Byerley · 07/11/2018 15:43

If you think he's likely to stop her seeing you eventually, make sure you let her know, you'll always be there. I do think you need to chat to her face to face if you can.

RomanyRoots · 07/11/2018 15:39

It's a shame but all you can do is be there for her, but also speak your mind.
If she says something that isn't true, put her right.
Tbh, I'd ask her how she could be with a man who said ..... whatever he has said. Send her links about controlling men, the ones usually mentioned on here, and be prepared to lose her for a while.
If she does fall out with you, then it's her loss. She seems to have made her mind up anyway, she doesn't want friends she wants a controlling twat.

Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:38

sirvix her ex was nice but just wasn't ready to settle down and his family loved abroad and he wanted to move back to live near them. It was a case of life plans not matching up rather than any major callings out.
I dunno how she ended up with him tbh.

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Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:33

Sadly she doesn't have many friends anymore. I know her elder sister has approached her with her concerns but it didn't go down well. Even her hen party is me her sisters and then a load of his cousins.

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Icantmakeanomelette · 07/11/2018 15:32

YANBU about any of it.

And the "women cry rape because the regret sex" is the weirdest bunch of patriarchal bullshit anywhere.

How would going through a rape investigation be a solution to regretting sex? I had a tattoo I regretted. I didn't report the tattoo artist for assault.

He's a twat.

Your friend is making a huge mistake.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/11/2018 15:31

He sounds absolutely vile. I don’t know what I would do in your place, I would definitely point out the stats above, and let him expose himself for what he is.
With your friend, could you gently say “your feelings on women’s rights are very different from his aren’t they “ ? Or “ I don’t think he likes us meeting up, is he like this about all your friends “?
She would be insane to marry him, we all know what marriage to someone like this would be like.
Was her ex abusive ? Why has she fallen for such a nob ?

ThistleAmore · 07/11/2018 15:31

Erk - there are a LOT of red flags here, aren't there?

As other PPs have said, try to stay as close to your friend as you are 'allowed' ATM - do you have other mutual friends that you could discuss your concerns with?

I'm not suggesting staging an intervention or anything (I doubt that would go down well at this stage), but I think it would be useful to ensure you're all on the same page and be aware that your help may be needed, sooner rather than later.

Dobbythesockelf · 07/11/2018 15:26

I replied to his first comment just saying that I was just pointing out that dv is a real danger to the lives of women. He then proceeded to comment 3 more times with varying 'facts' about male dv and that women kill men all the time and get away with it and that women accuse men of rape and ruin lives just cause they regret sex. I didn't engage with him but a mutual friend did call him out on it all.

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