Is my ex unreasonable?

[sallysec]

Sorry this is long winded. Going to bullet point it to make it clear.

• 2 dcs to ex. Split up 5 years ago and he moved 2.5 hours away

• ds is autistic

• dcs travel to see him every other weekend Friday night to Sunday afternoon (which I hate but I can't do anything about it

• except for this time of year where ex chooses to work extra on weekends. He comes to see them on a Sunday, collects them from my house, takes them out for the day and brings them home.

• In September, ds was invited to a party for this coming Sunday. I worked out the weekends and it should be the ex's weekend. The party is an hours drive away from us and not in the direction that the ex lives

• I asked the ex about it in September. He said for me to sort it, he said it would be a weekend where he just comes for the day.

• I explain to the ex that ds NEVER gets invited to parties with him being autistic and I really feel he should go to it. So reply to the rsvp that he can go.

• the party is on Sunday. I mention it to the ex last week and ask who should take him. Ds would love it if his dad could take him but I know that's a lot of driving for the ex. The ex ignores my message and I get no response

• yesterday ex messages me to say that he now does not have to work this weekend and he wants the dcs to travel to him as normal.

• I explain ds has the party which I've been constantly banging on about.

• ex says it's his time and he decides what ds does.

• I explain yet again that ds needs to go to this party as he doesn't get invited to any. (Ex has no involvement in ds autism).

So is he being unreasonable here? And am I being unreasonable for thinking ex should take him? Even though it's a lot of driving? This time of year annoys me so much as he chooses to work over seeing his kids and he always changes everything and expects us to just be able to accommodate it all the time.

Sorry this is long. This isn't my first post about him and it won't be the last.

He is U and spiting DS.

You should take him, because it means a lot to get invited to a party. I say that as a Mum of two children with Ads, one Autistic.

The weekend thing means that the children get cut off from their Friends and community stuff, which isn't fair.

Put your foot down and take him the party.

I can see your ex pov.
But
Party- if he doesn't normally get invited, this is really important.

Thank you. I'm yet again waiting on a response from him. I never ask for his help with ds. But I'm struggling with him at the min and I know ds would love nothing more for this dad to take him to this party. I need his help for once but I'm getting nothing back off him

Why can't you just switch weekends so ds can go to the party and ex can see them the weekend before / after?

I'll happily take him too. Ex will just moan as that means he won't get to see ds. He makes everything so hard

@Whipsmart he works all weekend the next weekend so it's not possible

He is being u and a massive dock but from a legal POV he is correct to say his weekend - his decision. What a shit though to stop hounds going to a rare party.

Can you say that to ex? Maybe tell him that ds would be ecstatic if Dad could take him but if not you will take him. DS should get to go, regardless.

@TheQueef oh I have done. I've said how much ds would love it and for his friends to meet his dad. But he just thinks about how much it will costs him in fuel and that he will be late getting home on Sunday. Which really isn't my problem. He was the one that moved away.

Could you collect DC Sat night and then take DS Sunday?
I would be very keen to do ad much compromise as possible to get DC to the party.
But- I don't know what the on going consequences would be of this approach with ex.

can he not take him out for the day Saturday and still go to the party on sunday?

I can half understand why your ex is being like that, he obviously wants to see him but needs to understand that this party is a really important thing for him and sacrifice a couple of hours of "his time" to facilitate that.

he needs to make more effort to understand his autism by the sounds of it.

Do you have a court ordered access arrangement?

If not and he refuses to take your ds then I’d be tempted to tell him to get lost as you’re doing what’s in ds’s best interests.

If you do, then unfortunately you don’t have a choice, but I’d put it to him that he’s only thinking of himself.

If Ds wants to go to the party (does he?) then that's what will happen! Just tell ex! And if he doesn't want to take Ds, then you'll have to do it yourself. HE doesn't get to decide. The Ds does. You aren't being in the least bit U!

No court order no. I could possibly collect him on the Saturday I suppose but it's just now far they have to travel. To travel 2.5 hours Friday and Saturday and then another 2 hours on Sunday would wipe ds out completely for the week at school.

I'll just take him and that's that. Honestly I just can't stand him. He has no idea about anything and what being a parent actually means.

Still waiting on a response from this mornings message but will send another saying I'm just going to take him and if he wants to come for the first part of the day then that's fine. We don't have to leave until 2.30 so he can have a few hours if he wants too

No contact order? I would on this occasion tell him he can have DC for the day on Sat only as he agreed DS could go to the party.

Ex is forgetting that contact is not just a right, but also an obligation. I would agree it's his weekend if he didn't chop and change to suit himself with work; if it was consistent it would be reasonable. In this case, he has said it doesn't suit and you have planned accordingly; it's too late to change your plans now.

Ah well if there’s no court order then that’s easy.

Contact is for the child’s benefit, not his. This means he has to facilitate his child’s lifestyle. If he can’t, you’re happy to do it- so he either does it or forgoes Sunday this week.

What time is the party? If ex is bringing the children back on Sunday afternoon anyway, could be not just bring them back earlier, drop one at the party and the other at home? Obviously, if party is at 9am I can see this not being possible.

@DanielRicciardosSmile I can see what you're saying but it wouldn't work unfortunately. Party is an hour away from my house in the opposite direction of the ex. And someone needs to stay at the party with ds. He can't be dropped off.

All in all, it would be around 7 hours of driving for the ex.

It just gets better....he's messaged me completely ignoring me about the party but said he has to work one of the weekends in December he's supposed to see the dcs and 'we' need to sort it. Arrgggghhhhhh

You asked him before confirming DS could go to the party. He said he could go. I would stick to this agreement. DS’s needs should come first. Tell ex he can make the time up another time.

Just swap this weekend with the one he can't do in December. He's a massive twat.

Oh sorry that won't work!! Although he's still a twat.

I've had a response. He is not willing to take ds because he can not afford it. Twat. All it's going to cost is extra in fuel. He still lives at home with no bills to pay. Absolute knob head