Is my ex unreasonable?

[sallysec]

Sorry this is long winded. Going to bullet point it to make it clear.

• 2 dcs to ex. Split up 5 years ago and he moved 2.5 hours away

• ds is autistic

• dcs travel to see him every other weekend Friday night to Sunday afternoon (which I hate but I can't do anything about it

• except for this time of year where ex chooses to work extra on weekends. He comes to see them on a Sunday, collects them from my house, takes them out for the day and brings them home.

• In September, ds was invited to a party for this coming Sunday. I worked out the weekends and it should be the ex's weekend. The party is an hours drive away from us and not in the direction that the ex lives

• I asked the ex about it in September. He said for me to sort it, he said it would be a weekend where he just comes for the day.

• I explain to the ex that ds NEVER gets invited to parties with him being autistic and I really feel he should go to it. So reply to the rsvp that he can go.

• the party is on Sunday. I mention it to the ex last week and ask who should take him. Ds would love it if his dad could take him but I know that's a lot of driving for the ex. The ex ignores my message and I get no response

• yesterday ex messages me to say that he now does not have to work this weekend and he wants the dcs to travel to him as normal.

• I explain ds has the party which I've been constantly banging on about.

• ex says it's his time and he decides what ds does.

• I explain yet again that ds needs to go to this party as he doesn't get invited to any. (Ex has no involvement in ds autism).

So is he being unreasonable here? And am I being unreasonable for thinking ex should take him? Even though it's a lot of driving? This time of year annoys me so much as he chooses to work over seeing his kids and he always changes everything and expects us to just be able to accommodate it all the time.

Sorry this is long. This isn't my first post about him and it won't be the last.

I wouldn't let him see da on Sunday. Because there's no guarantee he won't keep him, and then he'll miss the party.
I'd just say no for this weekend.

If he’s like that just ignore him and take ds to the party. Don’t offer sat in case he doesn’t bring him back up. Reiterate via email that ds is over the moon about party and as an autistic child rarely gets invited. For a record that this is in ds’ best interest

Your ex clearly doesn't get that contact is for the DC's benefit not the parents so there's no point trying to reason with him. It's not like you're deliberately arranging stuff during "his" time. Take your DS to the party, I hope your DS enjoys himself.

What will playing hardball do to you with regards the Ex OP? Can you refuse contact this weekend and insist DS gets to go to the party?

Thanks all - I'm going too.

The reason I was hoping ex would take him is because it's like a laser quest party. Ds won't go in without having someone with him. The best person to do that is his dad. I can't guarantee that when I take him, he will want to take part.

But if his dad was there.....he would 100% join in and do it. So sad his dad can't put ds first

Anyway thanks for the replies, once again all responses I've had confirm he is a selfish twat. Every time I post about him I get the same response.

Thanks again x

OP explain to your ex - and do it in writing via email - that contact time is for the advantage of and the right of the children not him. Therefore your autistic son is going to the party as was agreed by both of you in September as you are both aware it is rare for your (plural) son to have the opportunity to socialise with other children. Also state if his working weekends change at short notice then it shouldn't be to the detriment of the previously agreed children's schedule.

If your ex then stirs up shit he won't get very far using the party.

@MiniCooperLover it wouldn't do anything. Hr would argue with me and get quite aggressive but deep down he would probably be pleased to get a weekend to himself!

Yep, a self-centred moron who chooses not to put his son first. What a top dad (not). Well done for standing your ground and knowing what matters to your little lad - hope he has a great time at the party. x

OP Do you have a brother/father who could take DS with you for the party? Ignore twatty ex. Just cancel this weekend with him.

You say that ex will not take ds to the party, and that he may not join in if you take him. It's a tough call, but what do you honestly feel is in the best interests of ds? To have the weekend with his father, or to attend the party with you (and maybe not join in?).

I would try (!) to stay civil and sound like I am meeting ex half way.
So I would ask what his solution is to the December weekend he is now working, and maybe even be prepared to swap weekends if it worked for me, too.

Then I would state what needs to happen this weekend according to your decision above. It had all been agreed. He (ex) is trying to change the arrangement. I would only agree to the change if it was the best decision for ds.

I'd also suggest that he can't keep buggering about with his contact time, and needs to speak to work about any potential changes for the next x weeks/months. But that's just me, because I hate things chopping and changing all the time.

Your son should definitely go to the party given the circumstances and it would be nice if the dad could drive him. However given the fact that this party will take place an hour away from where you live and not in the direction of where your ex lives, I think it would be fair not to expect him to drive your son to the party. It would have been nice if he did but it's also a long drive for someone who has to work. We must be mindful that he'd also have to drive back home too, which would essentially mean nearly a full day of driving.

Your ex insisting that your son just does what he normally does with him because it's his weekend is completely unacceptable to be honest. The child should do what he would like to do. On that note, I think it would be fair to ask the child himself what he would like to do and let him decide. Yes it is nice to go to the party as he doesn't normally get invited but it also may not be a default that he would prefer to go there as opposed to spending time with dad, so I think your son really ought to decide this and you and ex would ideally go with that.

Ds wants to go to the party - I should of said that from the start. If he didn't then there's absolutely no way I would force him to go.

I've sorted it now, my sister has saved the day and has offered to go in with him. He thinks she's really 'cool' so he will be more than happy when he finds out. We are all going and she's going to try get him in and I'm there on stand by if he has a meltdown.

Ex can come on Saturday or Sunday if he wants - up to him. He will more than likely kick off as that means he has to travel (when he was always going to anyway) but he can't just change plans at the last minute and expect us l to work around him because his work commitments have changed. Be interesting to see what he does.

He will more than likely kick off as that means he has to travel

Tough. He is an adult and will have to just make his choice as to whether he wants to come and deal with it.

He sounds like an arse. I can understand it's a huge amount of travelling for him but he could at least say he'll drop them back Sunday morning so you can take him to the party.

Glad your sister is helping out. Hope he enjoys the party

Well done Sally. I hope your son has a brilliant time and your ex learns a lesson (doubt it as the world revolves around him)

Contact is for the child’s benefit, not his. This means he has to facilitate his child’s lifestyle. If he can’t, you’re happy to do it- so he either does it or forgoes Sunday this week.

This!

Also, send him BlueBug45's email.

Thanks, honestly I just feel like a weight has been lifted.....all over a child's birthday party which is just ridiculous! But this is what my life is like with an autistic child and an ex who buggered off and left me to deal with it all and thinks he can just change plans when he wants AND has no interest in his sons additional needs.....I could go on and on.

Ex actually thinks it's fine for me to message the child's mother and tell her he's no longer going because he is no longer working! How daft am I going to sound if I actually did do that? It's cost her £18 a child which is non refundable.....and he thinks it's fine for me to change everything, ds to miss out and my friend to lose out on £18.....(yes I realise another child could take his place but that's not the point). He's an absolutely clueless parent.

But the main thing is....ds is going to the party and will hopefully enjoy himself fingers crossed!

Thanks for the advice, I'd still be sat here stressing about it if I didn't post!

If he kicks up a fuss about this I would insist hat he sticks to the weekends agreed from now on without deviation.

He can't have it both ways.

YANBU about wanting your DS to go to the party, YABU to expect your ex to drive an extra 2 hours on top of the 5 he's already doing. Younshiuld take your DS to the party yourself.

*You should

Hope you DS enjoys the party. How lovely of your sister to help out.