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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...To not let him walk alone

56 replies

TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 07:13

Just fishing for opinion - DS is just turned 11y, and in yr 6 at school.
He goes to school which is a 20 minute walk from home.
We live in central London, in a 'naice' area but still central and surrounded by both very privileged and very underprivileged communities within a short walk.
DS would have to walk past a big comprehensive and is close to two other comps, lots of the kids hang out in groups after school and are quite loud and can be a bit intimidating but I've never witnessed anything really disturbing.
DS doesn't want to walk home alone, I don't want him to either and I don't work so collecting him is never a problem.
DH is constantly on my case nagging to know when he will travel to and from school alone, he says I'm holding him back and that he (DS) will always be fearful until we make him do it and push him into more independence.
For context DS goes to a prep with a distinctive uniform and often has a heavy kit bag or instrument as well as his backpack. I feel that he would be a bit of a beacon to be targeted and especially in light of all the knife crime lately in central London I just don't want to risk it.

As I am writing this I've just heard on the radio news of another stabbing in north London (I'm NW) and that most stabbings take place between 4 and 6 pm, they are discussing staggering school finish times!

I've made up my mind and I'm going to carry on collecting him but it will cause arguments as DH feels strongly that he needs to stand on his own two feet more.
Am I being sensibly cautious or am I being over-protective?

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 07/11/2018 07:31

I think a bit of both. He needs to become confident and independent but when I was at school the kids that went to the local grammar with posh accents and instruments got the absolute piss ripped out of them on the local buses.

InMySpareTime · 07/11/2018 07:33

Could he get the bus past the dodgy bit of the walk?
Get changed after school out of his distinctive uniform so he's less of a target?
Walk part of the way with friends even if it takes him a bit longer?

Kerberos · 07/11/2018 07:38

I collected mine through to about mid year 6 when they started to walk alone occasionally. I also live in a leavy quiet suburb where knife crime is unheard of. In your case I'd probably feel exactly the same way.

Depends where he's going to secondary - year 7s round here all walk in independently.

teaandtoast · 07/11/2018 07:40

Well I still collected mine when they were primary school age. The obvious time to let him walk by himself would be when he starts secondary. Can't dh wait for that?

In the mean time, you could increase his local geographical knowledge so he has alternate routes back now (in case you're ill) and for when he's at secondary. Bus routes and timetables, too.

AChickenCalledKorma · 07/11/2018 07:40

Does he walk anywhere else alone? If not, you could start encouraging him to make short trips, not in school uniform, just ask he begins to feel confident looking after himself. No need to start with the walk home from school if he doesn't feel ready. Walk to the library, the shops, the post box, or whatever is handy.

bumblingbovine49 · 07/11/2018 07:41

People who don't live in London won't understand (I don't any more but Iwas born and there and lived there for. 40 years). If you son has to walk through areas that are considered part of a particular territory and he is not considered part of that 'group' then he is definitely in some danger of being at least harassed and possibly much worse by other similar shed children. After a certain age you move to adult status and are less likely to be bothered

It is really difficult but I completely understand your reasoning. Many people send their children to particular schools private or otherwise and drive them there every day because of the distance involved. I think you have an even better reason than distance, ie keeping him safe.

You should work on helping him to have confidence to travel by himself etc though but not by walking on his own through areas where his uniform will make him stand out.

YeOldeTrout · 07/11/2018 07:46

How is he going to get to secondary?
Could he usually walk with friends in yr6 (or yr7)?
Mine had to get to secondary alone & I wanted them to be completely confident with short-distance independent travel long before they started secondary. Do you really think he'll be safer when 12 or 13 or 14? How will you decide 'when' it's safe enough?

MakeAHouseAHome · 07/11/2018 08:10

Collect him obviously. I went to a private school in SE Kent and was picked up until 6th form whwn I could drive! It hasn't made me 'fearful of the world' haha.

tired17 · 07/11/2018 08:10

DD1 begged and begged me to let her walk to school on her own all through years 4 & 5. Got to year 6 and my youngest daughter was ill one day so I suggested that she did actually walk on her own and she panicked and refused so I ended up getting my neighbour to walk her in! And we only lived a 5 minute safe walk away. Now she's at uni in a large city and travels around fine independently so I wouldn't worry about making him do it on his own he will go out on his own when he's ready

BertrandRussell · 07/11/2018 08:12

Yep. Walking past a comprehensive school is incredibly dangerous. True Fact.

cingolimama · 07/11/2018 08:26

I live in London, OP. I'm with your husband on this one. It's really important that your DS develops his street smarts, "situational awareness" and his independence. I understand your anxieties (really I do - I'm still occasionally anxious about DD Y9), but they are your problem.

Let him stand (and walk) on his own two feet.

Eliza9917 · 07/11/2018 09:01

Is there actual knife crime and gangs in your area op?

Enfield is a world away from Barnet for instance.

Although I've just goggled for the latest stabbing and there was one in Hampstead last night:
www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/west-hampstead-stabbing-teenage-boy-fighting-for-life-after-being-knifed-in-north-west-london-a3982656.html.

Witchesbritches · 07/11/2018 09:07

DS doesn't want to walk home alone, I don't want him to either and I don't work so collecting him is never a problem

End of.

DH is being very unreasonable. DS is barely 11, would have to walk past a lot of kids from other schools, in a prep uniform, on his own. No fucking way.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/11/2018 09:10

I think he needs to be prepared to get to secondary on his own. Perhaps you could meet him part of the way to slowly build up his confidence and ability to manage any difficulties. His safety is the main concern though and your husband needs to understand this, young men are often targets for violence from other young men regardless of how they act or if they belong.

BertrandRussell · 07/11/2018 09:13

Presumably he won’t be going to secondary school til he’s 13? Are you going to keep collecting him til then?

Witchesbritches · 07/11/2018 09:14

Oh and I’m usually on the ‘wrong’ side of most posters on MN in that playing out, walking to the shops, being left home alone I’ll say yes to much younger than most. Walking to/from school by themselves, I’d generally encourage, even in primary...but not in THIS situation. And yes, I love London, used to live there, wish I still did. But it pays, like any big city, to be aware and of what’s a good idea to let your barely 11 yo do and what’s not.

pigeondujour · 07/11/2018 09:23

People who don't live in London won't understand

What a bizarre thing to say.

BarbarianMum · 07/11/2018 09:29

Do many 11 year olds get stabbed in your area? Or in London? My understanding is that most victims are older (16-25).

CarolDanvers · 07/11/2018 09:29

I wouldn’t let him either. Only on MN do I see this big drive to get them to do the school journey by themselves as early as possible and the subsequent criticism that you’re stifling independence if you don’t. What about kids who have to be dropped off and picked up because there’s no other suitable transport? Do they just never develop independence? Dd is year 7 and I take her and drop off and I am certainly not alone. There’s a good twenty to thirty plus parents or older siblings waiting at pick up time when I go.

Cassimin · 07/11/2018 09:34

I would carry on taking him.
I took mine all through primary and we live in a very safe area.
I think it’s a nice time to chat and catch up on thing happening in the school day.
Can’t see the problem, no child walked to school by their mum has ever been walking to work with them!
Independence comes in lots of different ways, cooking, cleaning, making decisions.

Original poster
TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 11:27

Yep. Walking past a comprehensive school is incredibly dangerous. True Fact

Thats a rather flippant comment and not useful in any way. I only mentioned the comp's for context - of having to walk amongst hundreds of slightly older children - In the wrong uniform.
There's no place for flippancy, another boy stabbed this morning on the route that DS would take.

His school and our home are within walking distance of Finchley Road tube, I've just heard that the latest stabbing was this morning very close to Finchley Road tube.

There is bus route past the comps in our direction - and I think he'd be more vulnerable still on a bus than moving.

He won't be going to secondary until he's 13. I'm happy to take him until then. DH is not. Maybe he'll (and I'll) be ready before he's 13, I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 11:28

Sorry - there is NO bus route past the comps

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 11:33

Do many 11 year olds get stabbed in your area? Or in London? My understanding is that most victims are older (16-25)

Yes, usually older - my ultimate worry is of course the stabbing incidents but I think a very realistic worry is mugging, bullying, intentional intimidation and humiliation. I do know quite a lot of children who have been mugged and attacked by other children, yes. Usually on the route home from school.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 11:36

Presumably he won’t be going to secondary school til he’s 13? Are you going to keep collecting him til then?

Yes probably, maybe, I don't know - he has 3 more years at prep, things might change, he might change, I don't know but quite possibly, esp if he still wants me to.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 07/11/2018 11:38

Oh just keep picking him up. Don’t listen to the sneery people on here. Do what’s right for him. He’s not ready for it yet but will be soon enough. He’s not going to be fearful forever as your husband seems to think 🙄, Does he think your joint parenting is so lacking that 5 x 20 minutes a week walks home from school are going to completely ruin your child and his potential? I live in London too by the way so I know exactly what you fear and see it myself here every day.