Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

...To not let him walk alone

56 replies

TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 07:13

Just fishing for opinion - DS is just turned 11y, and in yr 6 at school.
He goes to school which is a 20 minute walk from home.
We live in central London, in a 'naice' area but still central and surrounded by both very privileged and very underprivileged communities within a short walk.
DS would have to walk past a big comprehensive and is close to two other comps, lots of the kids hang out in groups after school and are quite loud and can be a bit intimidating but I've never witnessed anything really disturbing.
DS doesn't want to walk home alone, I don't want him to either and I don't work so collecting him is never a problem.
DH is constantly on my case nagging to know when he will travel to and from school alone, he says I'm holding him back and that he (DS) will always be fearful until we make him do it and push him into more independence.
For context DS goes to a prep with a distinctive uniform and often has a heavy kit bag or instrument as well as his backpack. I feel that he would be a bit of a beacon to be targeted and especially in light of all the knife crime lately in central London I just don't want to risk it.

As I am writing this I've just heard on the radio news of another stabbing in north London (I'm NW) and that most stabbings take place between 4 and 6 pm, they are discussing staggering school finish times!

I've made up my mind and I'm going to carry on collecting him but it will cause arguments as DH feels strongly that he needs to stand on his own two feet more.
Am I being sensibly cautious or am I being over-protective?

OP posts:

Nicknamesalltaken · 07/11/2018 11:39

Is there a teacher presence outside the school at home time? Could you walk and meet him at school, then half way home?

The fact of the matter is some kid will most likely target him because he’s in the prep school uniform/carries an instrument/is on his own. If this happens your child will be upset and intimidated. In fact, nothing needs to happen for your DS to feel intimated, he just might.

Carry on picking him up if you aren’t comfortable.

FWIW, I carried on picking mine up right through primary (younger siblings so was there anyway). Transition to secondary and walking every day was fine. Plus they didn’t walk alone to secondary.

makingmammaries · 07/11/2018 11:43

OP, ignore the mockery from some. Your fears are not unreasonable . I still remember the time my two brothers, in grammar school uniform, were beaten up and kicked in the head by a gang from the comprehensive as they walked home, and my brothers were mid-teens when it happened.

MrsStrowman · 07/11/2018 11:50

Usually I'd be saying oh let him walk alone, but in your area, with him in a prep school uniform and carrying an instrument he will be a target. A good friend of mine was set upon at a bus stop when we were at secondary, state but a good one that we travelled out of area to go to. There was a rough comp local to where we lived, constant fighting, an onsite crèche for the children of students as well as teachers etc and he got set upon whilst waiting at the bus stop to get to school by children walking into the local comp. He wore glasses and was carrying his trumpet in its case, two boys started pushing him, took his trumpet, mocking him etc, what surprised them both was when he beat one of them up and the other ran away dropping his trumpet. Whilst he was physically able to get the better of them (kids didn't carry knives back then) it absolutely traumatised him and from then on his mum would drive him to the other side of the village to get the bus with us as he was the only person who used the other stop but there was a gaggle of us at our stop. If you don't work is hardly an issue to pick him up, so keep doing it.

MarshaBradyo · 07/11/2018 11:55

It’s more the route than anything IME

Ds and his friends got chased (and threatened by other slightly older children) in zone 2 SE London at age 11. They dealt with it pretty well and ran into a court apparently but there’s no way he’s walking that particular route alone now.

RiverTam · 07/11/2018 11:55

I was driven to school all the way through (none local school, no public transport options), but my mum was very keen for us to learn to use public transport by ourselves at the weekends and in the holidays, and we started doing so at about aged 13.

Going to and from school isn't the only way to gain that confidence and I agree that in a prep school uniform he'll be a target, which is a very sad state of affairs that some kids think it's fine to attack a child on the basis of their parents' decisions. So I'll tell your DH to button it.

llangennith · 07/11/2018 11:56

If you and your DS both agree it's best he's dropped off and picked up from school carry on for as long as it suits you both. Ignore your DH and other mockers on here.

BertrandRussell · 07/11/2018 11:58

The thing is, OP. that I would always collect any child who wanted to be collected. I think that you should drop him and collect him as long as he wants you to. But the assumption that comprehensive school children are a specific threat to him is pretty shitty, you have to admit......

RiverTam · 07/11/2018 12:03

I would love to agree, Bertrand but my own experience suggests otherwise when it's a kid in a very obviously private school uniform (as mine was) walked past a gaggle of kids from a state comp. And, I have no doubt, that works the other way around too.

CarolDanvers · 07/11/2018 12:07

OP isn't saying comp children are a specific threat to him because they are comp. She is saying he will stand out from them as different in his prep school uniform and will be weighed down by items that might interfere with an easy get away or defence. Different comps are tribal against each other, this is not a private vs comp thing. I have two children at comps btw.

Celebelly · 07/11/2018 12:08

Could you walk him halfway/collect him halfway? That way if anything does happen, you're on your way/not far away?

Honestly, though, if he's not comfortable and you're happy walking him then I would just continue as is. I'm in my mid 30s and wouldn't enjoy walking past huge groups of teenagers, so it's perfectly understandable that at 11 he feels a bit wary of it. There are plenty of other ways to build independence in a way that he is comfortable with.

Queenofthestress · 07/11/2018 12:08

I don't even live anywhere near london and between my school and a rival school we'd beat the crap out of each other, hospitalised other students and just generally fight bad enough they had to stagger the leaving times to try help the problem

I would keep picking him up if I was you just based on my own school experiences

CantWaitToRetire · 07/11/2018 12:08

As this is London and both you and he favour you escorting him, then I'd say keep doing it. However, could you maybe relax it a bit so that you're not walking at his side but maybe shadowing him/keeping him in sight? That way you could start to give him some confidence of not having a parent right at his side but be near enough that you could step in if he encountered any trouble along the way.

Hoppinggreen · 07/11/2018 12:10

If he’s doesn’t want to walk home alone and yiu are able to collect him then why should he?
My DS is in y5 at Primary and he likes me to meet him by the exit of his classroom whereas his sister always insisted on meeting me in the carpark from around y4
As long as my dc want me to walk them to school and it’s possible I will.
I was at Private school and used to dread the bus home as I knew I would get “snobby cow” comments from some kids from The Comp and my daughters School has had to stop pupils from going to the local shop due to the abuse they often got. Last time she went an man had to step in and protect her and her friend from a group who were calling them names ( she’s tough but they were 2 13 year old girls surrounded by a group of older boys).i know name calling can go both ways but I’m pretty sure nobody from the local Comp has needed to be rescued from my daughter by a passer by.
If you or your child are worried OP take him to school and collect him, ignore your DH ( and that’s got nothing to do with you being in London, we aren’t)

BlueJava · 07/11/2018 12:12

I think your DH is BU. Distinctive uniform can give the potential for a bit of bullying on the way home. If you are around what's wrong with picking him up with kit bag and instrument etc? I still pick mine up sometimes and the school is 15 mins walk and they are 16 yo!

Whereisthegin1978 · 07/11/2018 12:17

I think a lot of it depends on the child. Our dd, same age as your ds walks but I am a few mins behind with her siblings. Could you start by doing that? Letting him go ahead of you?
Will he need to walk to secondary? dd will walk to secondary in the opposite direction to siblings primary although is just a 20 min walk. So I see this as getting her used to it and I’ll let her go on ahead a bit more throughout the year.
Could he wear a different coat? Keep the blazer (folded nicely!) in a bag to put on at the school gates?

Birdsgottafly · 07/11/2018 12:18

"Do many 11 year olds get stabbed in your area? Or in London? My understanding is that most victims are older (16-25)"

There's been a crime against an under 16 year old everyday, reported in the Liverpool Echo. Some have been fatal. Before I posted this I thought I'd have a look and there's been another unprovoked attack on a 14 year old, waiting for a bus.

It's getting to seem that the only way to keep our Sons (in particular) safe, is to give a level of supervision, if possible.

That doesn't mean that our young people are going to grow into fearful Adults, it's about minimising risks, where you can.

StripySocksAndDocs · 07/11/2018 12:22

If you can do. He's young, plus there's quite the difference in 11 years old's maturity. You know him better than people on this thread.

I think forcing someone to face a potentially dangerous (to them) situation isn't on. Especially when you can avoid it. I think the difficulty is long term isn't toughening up, but that he'll view comprehensive schools as 'dangerous'. It's creating a fear not based on fact. It's how stereotyping comes about.

swingofthings · 07/11/2018 12:26

Is he not keen on walking because he's frightened or because much nicer to be driven by mum than walking especially in cold/rainy conditions and he is playing on your own fears?

Are there not one more kids from his school walking the same route? Ultimately perceived danger is everywhere and heightened by the media.

We live in a nice neighborhood but supposedly there have been wierdos in the streets harassing school girls and boys being mugged. Yet my kids had to walk to school and back and in the 7 years have never experienced any issues nor have have any of their friends.

formerbabe · 07/11/2018 12:28

Is his uniform obvious? If he has a hat to wear, can he put it in his bag until he gets to school? If he wears a blazer, can he wear a plain coat over it?

crrrzy · 07/11/2018 12:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

HyggeHeart · 07/11/2018 12:36

Could you still pick him up from school but sit down and agree with your husband other ways to build his confidence and independence.

Responsibility for some chore? planning, budgeting and cooking a meal once a week? Running errands (out of school time)? All these would also provide important life skills.

If your husband thinks he is mollycoddled ask him in what ways and work on those. it can't just be the school run.

Original poster

TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 12:39

But the assumption that comprehensive school children are a specific threat to him is pretty shitty, you have to admit......

No, I don't admit that.

A minority of the students of the local schools are a specific threat to him because there are 3 large institutions, full of children and young people who travel home in groups, the ones near me happen to be comprehensives. We all know that group mentality can make people, particularly children, so susceptible to peer pressure that they behave in a way that they perhaps would not if they were alone.
Don't try to make this a comprehensive slamming post as it really is not.

We're living in a society where boys get killed for straying into the wrong postcode so anticipating bullying towards the boy from the 'posh' school in the wrong uniform is not unreasonable.

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 07/11/2018 12:39

If your DS isn’t white then I would not allow him to walk alone in London ever. Not even when he’s an adult. If he’s white and you don’t send him to a comprehensive then it should be okay— considering I haven’t heard of a single stabbing around London recently of a white public schoolboy.

pinkdelight · 07/11/2018 12:40

I'd keep escorting him for now. Revisit it in the Spring. Dark winter isn't the ideal time to switch and 20mins isn't close in London. When you said central, I thought it might be a goer as people tend to ignore each other more, but Finchley is further out and I wouldn't be happy to let my DS walk it alone until he was a bit older.

Original poster

TigerTooth · 07/11/2018 12:47

This is a good idea and will be a good way to start I think, although I don't really want to get into an altercation with teens either! He's not ready yet but when he is, maybe this would be a good way to gain confifdence.Thx

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3