...to want it to look how I want it to look

[Noodella18]

In the midst of what feels like a stupid argument with partner. I own a maisonette flat that was a dump when I bought it. Have spent a lot of time, cash and energy renovating it, converting the upstairs etc. Final frontier was the kitchen which I did last summer and it was extremely stressful and rushed to get it done before lodgers moved in and we went away for a few months. There were a few bits left to do which are all now done apart from boxing in some pipe work, which is a bit tricky because it spans the width of the galley kitchen under a window and there are some space issues with opening the washing machine door and powder tray.
Partner moved in a year ago when we came back from being away. I never got around to getting somebody in to do the boxing in done and partner ended up saying that he would do it but it was a vague promise and no firm plans for when. I came home the other day to find him pulling out the washing machine to start doing it. I said great, but can we talk about how i want it to look when it’s done. He immediately bit my head off and said that he knew I was going to interfere. I said that he can do it however he likes but I do want to confirm how it will look at the end and then he can get on with it and I won’t say a word. He got really shirty about that but I said it’s not unreasonable to have a say in how it looks and he agreed with that after a bit of arguing. I explained how I wanted it and he got really annoyed and said that he couldn’t do it like that because he wasn’t skilled enough so I would just have to have it look however he could do it. I said I would prefer to just pay for somebody to do it so it looks the way I want and he had a total meltdown and said I wasn’t respecting or trusting him and that I should just let him do it however he wants and that he’s hurt that I’m insisting it looks a certain way when I know he’s insecure about his diy skills.

I’m lost on this one, is it unreasonable to want the final bit of renovation to look how I’ve imagined it, or am I being mean?

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

I'm a bit torn to be honest because it absolutely seems that his reaction was excessive and unreasonable

But

I am a control freak and I am aware if left unchecked I frankly could be a giant dick and unlock everything to the point that one day DP would snap and I may end up under a patio (light hearted I'm not taking the whotsit out of DV but of brookside)

So I have to ask how often do you make comments?if rarely he's overreacting if you "like things a certain way" you may have pushed him over the edge

[tigercub50]

Blimey! Does he always react like that? He seems extremely defensive. Of course you should have a say in how it looks. Your DP comes across as rather emotionally immature I think. Did you know he’s insecure about his DIY skills?

[wafflyversatile]

Thing is you've been back a year and not done it yet. He's not unreasonable to just want it done already. He's had to live with it not being boxed in at all for a year.

Why not let him box it in to his standard as an interim measure until you get round to getting exactly what you want in 9 or 10 years.

[MsDidoTwite]

Your property, your investment, your choice. Bit worried that he's insecure about his DIY skills - how confident are you that he can do a good job? TBH I'd just pay a professional and (because I'm a long-term cynic) check that your partner doesn't expect to get a stake in the place just because he's done some (shoddy) work on it.

[Noodella18]

@tigercub he’s a deep thinking emotional sort, so slightly tricky! His dad is very practical (eg currently building his own house from scratch) and he kind of idolises him so is insecure about his own diy skills. I know about this because he massively but my head off about building some storage shelves in the downstairs cupboard, again I said I wanted some input into how they would look because I knew what stuff I wanted to store and how I wanted to access it. He’s actually quite soul searching and fessed up that he was worried about messing it up and so didn’t want any questions about it. I did put across how I wanted it and he did a great job on them, so I have no concerns whatsoever about his diy skills!

[Noodella18]

@msdidotwite I’m very confident in his skills, but it seems like he needs to do this this to kind of ‘prove himself’ on the diy front. Any mention of how it looks seems to cause mortal offence and ditto paying somebody else to do it - I really want to just get somebody in but am worried that’s massively insensitive?!

[MrsStrowman]

Oh god he needs to get over himself, it's your property if you want it done in a certain way, and he can't do it that's fine he's not a carpenter by trade, you'll just get one in. It's macho male ego nonsense

[Noodella18]

@wafflyversatile (best name ever) didn’t want to drone on too much in original post but basically my dad had said he would do boxing in but kept on delaying and delaying. I wanted to sort something else out but he’s knocking on a bit and had said that doing this kind of thing makes him feel useful and that he’s putting his engineering skills to good use. I didn’t want to take that away from him by going to a workman but it dragged on for so long that eventually my partner brought it up when we were with them and dad said he would be happy for him to do it instead. So I was trying to protect my dad’s ego but now have a similar issue with my partner! That’s why it hasn’t got done in a year!!

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

It's your property, of course you get to say how you want it to look. How many times is he going to pull this I'm insecure about my diy skills so anytime I feel like doing something to the house you're not allowed to comment no matter how much of a dogs dinner I make of it rubbish?

Sorry but if attempting a bit of diy causes him this much angst he needs to leave it! I'm sure he's got other talents. If you go along with this now you'll be biting your tongue for years, putting up with all sorts of shoddy, half arsed efforts for fear of damaging his self esteem.

Honestly it puts me in mind of a little kid coming home from school with some creation made out of an egg box and glitter, all proud of the gift he made for mummy. I mean you make encouraging noises because he's five but...

[Noodella18]

@cantsleepclownswilleatme (another excellent name!) well this is what I think too! That I should be able to have a sodding opinion without him getting his panties in a bunch! However, I do know that this is one of his ‘buttons’, so I guess I need to be sensitive to that? I suppose I’m struggling to find the right balance between not being insensitive and not just swallowing my own desires because he’s being precious.

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

Noodella I understand wanting to be sensitive but this is actually quite a non issue which he's blown out of all proportion. I don't see that there's a lot of compromise here because if you're not to comment when he's doing it then any comment after the fact won't be welcome either will it? So how much of his diy are you supposed to put up with?

This is one of those niggly rows that will come up over and over again unless it's put to bed now. Surely you can just agree that to avoid arguments and hurt feelings, you'll pay people to do work needed in the house? He's an adult and shouldn't need to be coddled on this. He doesn't mess with the house and you won't attempt to take apart his car engine/retune his piano/perform brain surgery

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"he had a total meltdown and said I wasn’t respecting or trusting him and that I should just let him do it however he wants and that he’s hurt that I’m insisting it looks a certain way when I know he’s insecure about his diy skills."
He's being an arse. However he wants? Pfft! He's also not respecting you, with this crappy tantrum. You've nursed your dad's ego, and now your expected to nurse your partner's? He needs to grow up.

[bubbles108]

he got really annoyed and said that he couldn’t do it like that because he wasn’t skilled enough

Then he can't do the job

Pay someone to do the job and stop enabling men's egos (however kind that is, it doesn't get your job done)

[trojanpony]

YANBU

It’s your property
If I were you I’d say let’s park it and I’d pay £100 or whatever and have a professional do it.

[trojanpony]

I’d also be thinking setiously about if I wanted to hitch my cart to this particular meltdown man child pony

[Angrybird345]

Hope he’s not like this generally otherwise I’d be telling him to stick his saw where the sun don’t shine.

[Noodella18]

I was expecting a thread full of harsh messages about how I should put appearances aside for the sake of my relationships, but it sounds like I’m really not being unreasonable here, so thanks for that!
He’s the most complex man I’ve ever known, and that can cause some ructions, but it’s also why I love him so I guess we’ll just work through it. I’m pregnant with our first and I think that has stirred up all sorts of emotions about his role as a father and partner and feeling scared that he’ll let me down, which is why he’s being such a drama queen about some diy!

[Birdsgottafly]

"I suppose I’m struggling to find the right balance between not being insensitive and not just swallowing my own desires because he’s being precious."

It sounds to me that you've completely put aside what you want and what you need doing in your property that you've already put a lot of time and money into.

All to pander to the male egos around you.

This is a classic example of a Woman's needs/wants being seen as less important.

Your pregnant, yet its your DP that has the hissy fits? Fuck that. No-one should be 'having a total meltdown' in an Adult relationship.

Whereas you can handle it, it's just going to be scary for a child.

[Lweji]

They're just like any man pretending they know DIY, right?
I'd have wanted it discussed and agreed before any work was to start, as I'd do with anyone I'd contract.
I wouldn't be impressed with a partner starting off work without having agreed on the final result with him. That's a recipe for disaster.

I'd put it on hold now and decide together what's best for that area, and what you both can do or should contract out.

If you can't negotiate this, it doesn't look well for when you have and child.

[ShalomJackie]

You have gone to the effort to save up for and renovate YOUR property so why devalue it either aesthetically or in monetary terms for a man child's feelings.

[QuaterMiss]

Do you want your partner to gain some ownership in your property?

If not (and if he's likely to be doing more diy) you would be wise to make sure you are up to date on the legal position of co-habiting partners who make substantial changes to the building. (I'm not up to date on this and the law seems to be ever evolving.)

[Exhaustedmummy1811]

I have been here, 3 years ago we laid wood flooring I our brand new home and it looked lovely, my grandad made me some edging for it but said it would be easy for my partner to lay it, I'm a perfectionist and wasn't keen on this idea (I'd seen his attempts previously lol) I suggested we ask grandad to do it or get someone in, he reacted much the same way as your dp so I gave in. Three years later I am still attempting to pick glue off my floor and edging and is such a pet hate for me. I will spend ages sweeping and steaming mopping the floors for it to still look dirty where the glue wont come off

[Thehop]

I get him being sensitive about it but you can’t live in fear of putting your opinion and needs across because of his temper!!!

[RiverTam]

I couldn't get beyond 'deep thinking emotional sort'. FFS.

[Ghanagirl]

I’m insecure about my DIY skills hence I pay someone who’s not.