...to want it to look how I want it to look

[Noodella18]

In the midst of what feels like a stupid argument with partner. I own a maisonette flat that was a dump when I bought it. Have spent a lot of time, cash and energy renovating it, converting the upstairs etc. Final frontier was the kitchen which I did last summer and it was extremely stressful and rushed to get it done before lodgers moved in and we went away for a few months. There were a few bits left to do which are all now done apart from boxing in some pipe work, which is a bit tricky because it spans the width of the galley kitchen under a window and there are some space issues with opening the washing machine door and powder tray.
Partner moved in a year ago when we came back from being away. I never got around to getting somebody in to do the boxing in done and partner ended up saying that he would do it but it was a vague promise and no firm plans for when. I came home the other day to find him pulling out the washing machine to start doing it. I said great, but can we talk about how i want it to look when it’s done. He immediately bit my head off and said that he knew I was going to interfere. I said that he can do it however he likes but I do want to confirm how it will look at the end and then he can get on with it and I won’t say a word. He got really shirty about that but I said it’s not unreasonable to have a say in how it looks and he agreed with that after a bit of arguing. I explained how I wanted it and he got really annoyed and said that he couldn’t do it like that because he wasn’t skilled enough so I would just have to have it look however he could do it. I said I would prefer to just pay for somebody to do it so it looks the way I want and he had a total meltdown and said I wasn’t respecting or trusting him and that I should just let him do it however he wants and that he’s hurt that I’m insisting it looks a certain way when I know he’s insecure about his diy skills.

I’m lost on this one, is it unreasonable to want the final bit of renovation to look how I’ve imagined it, or am I being mean?

Of course YANBU, it's your property and he admittedly isn't very good at DIY!

Don't indulge his ego. He's being a macho wally.

@rivertam it might not float your boat, but it does mine. It's what makes him amazing, but the tradeoff is having to take the rough with the smooth sometimes.

@ghanagirl haha exactly!! Me too!!

@exhaustedmummy1811 that is EXACTLY what I'm anticipating and want to avoid! Every time the washing machine door only opens to 90 degrees and every time I see the window sill extending all the way under the work surface rather than stopping just after the window I will be thinking FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!! Have you managed to swallow down your rage or does your partner know you're hacked off?

He might be living there too but you're not married and You own the property therefore you get the final say. After all that work you should get the last bit done the way you imagined it. His ego problems are just that, his problem.

no, it makes him sound like a self absorbed twat.

No need to be rude @rivertam

no, probably not - but this seems to me to be part and parcel of Mr Deep, Emotional and Complex which, once you bring a baby into the mix, is actually going to be pretty bloody tiresome and considerably less attractive.

@rivertam ok i can see how you would think that. Him being a deep thinker actually means that he understands and deals with me and my quirks and insecurities better than anyone I’ve ever met, so in that sense I get a lot more support than I have from other partners. I’ve had mental health battles and he’s been great - but he’s not perfect and I wouldn’t expect him to be! I’m certainly not perfect and neither is our relationship, but together we’re a good team. He doesn’t normally have such massive meltdowns either, this situation has really pushed his buttons and I needed an outside view to make sure I wasn’t seeing the situation completely wrong.

@noodella18 he is now an ex dp haha but for different reasons. I don't think your dp is a self absorbed twat or being unkind. I think he just genuinely wants to help and feel useless, he maybe over reacted slightly but it's a man thing and when it comes to things like DIY and cars men think it's their job to do it. If you made a good job of the jobs (my ex even manage to mess up curtain poles) I might be tempted to let him do it just to keep the peace and show him you trust him, compared to the rest of the flat this is a minor thing and could always be redone at a later date. I hope you manage to sort it

That was.meamt to say made a good job of the shelves

It's what makes him amazing, but the tradeoff is having to take the rough with the smooth sometimes.

I'd love to know what's so amazing about him.
I'll give it 6 months after the baby is born.

I suspect twat is more accurate than you think.

Agreed. I reckon that the OP, for all her flaws, will step up to the task of parenthood while deep and meaningful fella just navel gazes and gets in the way. Because being a parent involves lots of situations that could ‘push his buttons’.

Hahahaha! Thanks very much @lweji and @rivertam for your predictions about the future of my relationship based on knowing approximately 0.000001% of all that there is to know about it. You sound like very judgemental people!

It's not about boxing though, is it. He has moved in and now wants to do diy because until you have hammered a few nails into a place you don't really live there. You are maintaining control because the flat is still yours not both of yours.

@exhaustedmummy1811 thanks for the advice (and for not being nasty like some others on here!). We’re going to have a chat about it tomorrow so I’ll smooth it over (but hopefully get him to suggest we should get a professional to do it!)

@noodella18 you are more than welcome, I hope you can come to an agreement. Either way I'm sure it will be a relief once the place is finished and good luck with the baby

You sound like very judgemental people!

More like experienced.
You seem very defensive of him, though.
Well, good luck.

@lweji "you seem very defensive of him" hahaha, funny that, given I'm in love with him and people feel qualified to call him a 'twat' when they know only a comically small amount about him. I can totally see from your responses that you would throw your partner under the bus at the merest hint of weakness though! Go on, tell me how regularly he/she burns the toast and I'll predict when your divorce will be!!

you're sounding very childish now. Do you really not understand that there could be a lot of women who have experience of men such as you describe your DP, and thus a good idea of how things might pan out?

@rivertam please see my previous posts regarding how little you know about my partner and relationship.

@rivertam please also refer back to the title of my post to refresh your memory about what I was seeking advice for. Tag teaming a pregnant woman with predictions that her relationship is going to end is just nasty.

@noodella18 take no notice huni, pm if you ever need to talk. How far along are you? I'm 18+4 with baby 5 lol 🙈

There are too many women on this board for whom their otherwise great partners turned bad after a baby.
Hopefully your relationship won't end, but do be very careful not to pander to his moods or his complexity when it comes to the practical side of rising a child.
You were the one who described how he was. Not us. And for some reason our spider senses got tickled.

when did MN turn into a huni site?