AIBU to raise this issue with my manager

[Akeisha]

So today a work colleague invited me to a meeting with her and our supervisor. In the meeting she said that I speak to her as if I'm better than her and that it's making her feel like I'm picking on her. When I asked for an example of this she gave one example of a day when I asked her what her role was that day. She said it was none of my business what she was doing that day. I disagreed with her and said it was my business to know what everyone was doing that day because if I had an issue I needed to know who the right person was to escalate to. I then asked for other examples to which she replied...am I supposed to be keeping a record? I ended the meeting and asked for it to be discussed with the manager and for me to have a support person present. AIBU by doing this and thinking that this is her own personal issues with my personality?

You sound like you were quite aggressive / combative with her. Do you normally behave like this? It can't have been easy for her to confront you and tell you how she was feeling and it seems like you were a bit of an arse about it.

Why do you need to know what everyone is doing? Are you their manager?

I can see where she is coming from

Not really enough information here. But no, I do not think it is your place to demand to know what a colleague you are not in charge of is doing.

Whether you think she should be upset or not, she is (and personally I can understand it if this is how you normally behave) and she is trying to find a resolution. But you stomp off. You are definitely BU.

Why do you need to know this information?

Unless you are her manager you don't need to know what she is doing?

Did you actually ask what her 'role' was that day?? What a rude way to phrase it!

You were absolutely correct to end the meeting and you definitely need to take representation in with you for any further meetings. You were ambushed there, OP, that's bang out of order of your supervisor who needs reminding of protocols.You are entitled to ask what someone is doing so you know who to refer to, if that is really what you were doing. Never be alone with this person.

I don’t get the “which role” thing and would be a bit fed up if someone who wasn’t my manager essentially asked me what I was doing.

Was one of the roles to provide support for these issues which needed escalating? Did any issues arise? I think more tactful to have waited to see if anything did need escalating and then say something like “colleague A, I have something to pass on about xxx, are you dealing with that today or is colleague B?”. Otherwise it just seems like you’re monitoring her.

I can see what she means. Why do you need to know what they are doing?

I think it depends very much what the job is. For example, if you're a theatre nurse and speaking to another theatre nurse, it's perfectly reasonable to clarify what someone else's role is on that day. If you're in an office, not so much.

I think it depends on the job.

@Maelstrop

Are you for real? No I am not entitled to demand my peers tell me what they are doing every day. In my last role I was Head of Finance, I did not go around demanding the Head of Legal or Head of IT or Head of HR, i.e. my peer group, tell me what they are doing that day and if I did, I would expect to be pulled into a meeting too.

OP was incredibly rude and aggressive, asking somebody what "their role" is? Maybe she should have representation because on the little information known, her behaviour seems like bullying to me.

I can't believe the responses you're getting OP. I work in a team were we all do different parts of a process and who's allocated to which part can change from shift to shift.

It's quite common for our supervisor to only tell half of us what everyone is doing.

If I didn't routinely ask my colleagues what their role was that day we'd be completely lost!

I've asked, I've been asked and never had it taken the way your colleague did.

*where

Need more info to judge.

I don’t think YABU to request another meeting with a support person present.

However I think if your colleague feels that you are picking on her you should at least consider whether your behaviour might be at least partially at fault rather than just putting it down to her “personal issues”.

I was once in a similar situation and it turned out quite a few of my colleagues thought I was abrupt and occasionally dismissive. It was completely unintentional on my part and mostly due to being new to a stressful job but once I knew I was able to do something about it and that made my working relationships much better.

Do you have any other colleagues or managers you could ask for honest advice from before your next meeting?

Op? Can you give us any idea of your job?

As others have said, it really does depend on whether you are a member of an a+e crash team, for example, or you work in a shop, for example.

If you do the latter or similar then I'd be a bit pissed off if I were your colleague. However I would have probably spoken to you directly rather than escalating it that way. Unless she has already tried to talk to you and found you intimidating or aggressive.

If I didn't routinely ask my colleagues what their role was that day we'd be completely lost!

I've asked, I've been asked and never had it taken the way your colleague did.

It seems like that might be typical of your job, though. Based on the OP's colleague's response, it seems like it night not be typical of her job. It really depends on the job.

Why would she reply it was none of your business to know what her role was? That's weird

I think you need to prepare for a meeting with a union rep or equivalent. However, in my opinion it’s your manager’s role to know what everyone is doing each day and if you need to find someone to do a specific task, you get that information from your manager.

If this person has any sense they will have now been advised to keep a diary of every time you it is felt you pick on her with dates, times and witnesses. I’d take this as a warning and reassess your behaviour before it gets to the next stage which will probably be a formal interview because she has logged a grievance against you.

Just for clarification. We work in a small team in a nursing unit where everyone is assigned different roles. We have staff rotated to us on a regular basis so it's not unusual to ask for role clarification. I would not wait until a situation arose to then find out who I need to escalate to, I would want to know that before hand. I also did not stomp off as implied. I felt ambushed and that the the meeting was turning into a you said and I said. We were no where close to a resolution and once she said I was picking on her and couId give no further examples of how I speak to her like I am better than her bar that one day I asked what her role was....I felt the meeting had had taken a different turn and needed to be escalated and a support person present for myself.

However, in my opinion it’s your manager’s role to know what everyone is doing each day and if you need to find someone to do a specific task, you get that information from your manager.

I agree with this. If I needed to "escalate" something, is expect to go to my manager to find out who I needed to speak with.

Well, if this is something people typically ask one another, then it's odd she's singled you out.

You were right op.
If it’s normal procedure to check whatbpeoples roles are then that’s what you do. Especially if people’s lives depend on it.
Eg. IF I was part of an arrest team I want to know who my colleagues are when they arrive so we have a policy of announcing it eg anaesthetist, ITU, medics etc.

I don't think ywbu OP. I'm the same kind of person though - proactive, I don't eait for an issue to figure out who to contact as then it takes longer to sort anything and get help at the time.

I think you were right to stop the meeting.

*wait