AIBU to raise this issue with my manager

[Akeisha]

So today a work colleague invited me to a meeting with her and our supervisor. In the meeting she said that I speak to her as if I'm better than her and that it's making her feel like I'm picking on her. When I asked for an example of this she gave one example of a day when I asked her what her role was that day. She said it was none of my business what she was doing that day. I disagreed with her and said it was my business to know what everyone was doing that day because if I had an issue I needed to know who the right person was to escalate to. I then asked for other examples to which she replied...am I supposed to be keeping a record? I ended the meeting and asked for it to be discussed with the manager and for me to have a support person present. AIBU by doing this and thinking that this is her own personal issues with my personality?

That must have felt really difficult to be called into a meeting like that, however, consider this. If someone came on here and said they were feeling patronised (or whatever) by someone else at work and didn't know how to handle it the advice would probably be to talk to that person directly about it, and if they were nervous, to ask a manager/supervisor to facilitate that conversation.

This is what they did.

Going forward, rather than escalate it to a manager I would thank them for their feedback and ask them to point it out to you again if you do it. Then, if it happens and you are in no way being patronising, just doing your job it is time to involve a manager and look at their behaviour rather than yours.

I think it was rather brave of them to address it as they did.

I speak to her as if I'm better than her and that it's making her feel like I'm picking on her.

As an allegation, this is very vague and the example with which your colleague followed it up, doesn't support it. I agree with Lovestonap that the best way forward would be to ask the colleague to point out when she feels you are speaking in an unacceptable way.

I'm the same way at work Op. I like to know whose doing what. This person sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder or inferiority complex. Given the nature of your work, it's ridiculous that she refused to answer you. You handled the meeting well

YWNBU. I can understand people's comments if the colleague had just been talking to you face-to-face, but she wasn't, she had escalated this to supervisor level, and so how the meeting was conducted was the supervisor's responsibility.

with your further clarification I would say that yes, you should take this to your manager.

It sounds like she has gone on the defensive - but so have you. Telling you it was ‘none of your business’ rather than asking why you needed to know won’t have done her any good, and neither will her lack of specific examples around your behaviour. But by refusing to engage in the meeting and demanding a support person, you look like you have something to hide.

Maybe rethink how you ask people for information like this. There’s nothing more frustrating than backseat management under the guise of ‘just trying to get things done’.

I would just agree that if the manager doesn't want you to ask other staff what role they have each day, you will refer to him/her every time you need this information.

They will soon change their minds.

As a manager I have seen and mediated in similar situations.
I get the feeling that there is the some nuance in the asking here.
You asked 'what is your role today?' You saw this of the fastest way to finding out who the bottle washer was that day should you need bottles washed. Your colleague interpreted it as checking up on them.
If however, you had asked 'Who is the bottle washer today?' Your colleague would have interpreted this as you checking who was the bottle washer.
Sometimes we have to modulate the way we ask a question for different people.

If this is the case in your next meeting I would suggest saying that all you were trying to find out was who the bottle washer was and you are sorry if your method of asking made your colleague feel otherwise. Then in future handle conversations with this colleague carefully.

Even if it was your business to know what everyone was doing on a given day, it would have been more helpful to explain why rather than just ask everyone what their roles are without giving any context. It's quite apparent that this person didn't understand why you were asking and, hence, didn't feel like she had to explain it (although I must say her response "it's none of your business" was pretty unprofessional too; she should have simply enquired why you needed to know and you should have explained it).

It's not wrong for you to get the manager involved but bear in mind that this type of issues at work depending on your policy don't necessarily always have to be backed up by the facts that you agree with. This seems to be going in the direction of potential harassment and most of those types of policies usually refer to real or perceived. So even if your colleague perceives your behaviour as harassing her , this could be an issue even if you argue you didn't intend it that way.

This is why it's best to be professional in all matters at work.

I'd agree with many of the posters here and also disagree with the rest. For someone to call a meeting like that they must have had a niggle like a piece of sandpaper chafing on a soft thigh, so maybe it is wise to ask what preceded the sandpaper/thigh chafing? We all get so wrapped up in our own chafing we often forget that others chafe too. Hope this helps x

For someone to call a meeting like that they must have had a niggle like a piece of sandpaper chafing on a soft thigh

To be fair, that would depend on how many similar instances this person has experienced. Some are just more sensitive than others.

Some are just more sensitive than others

And there's rarely a truer word been typed. I wouldn't wish a sandpapered chafed thigh on my 3rd worst enemy! LOL

Hope that helps x

I get the feeling that there is the some nuance in the asking here.

I agree with this. You say you asked her role but how you asked may have changed her reaction.

I work in customer services in a supermarket. If there is an issue on the shop floor I have to initially escalate it to the Front End Runner. Many people on the department are trained as runners but the named FER changes depending in the shift.

If I just asked a colleague "What are you doing today?" it would seem like I was questioning their work as there would be no context to the question and it is not part of my job to question other people's work.

However if I asked "Are you the Runner?"/"Who's running today?"/"What's your role today? I need to get hold of the Runner" then there is no way it can be seen as questioning a colleague as my questions are clearly intended to clarify roles which is a key piece of information for my job.

If however, you had asked 'Who is the bottle washer today?' Your colleague would have interpreted this as you checking who was the bottle washer.

Couldn't agree more. The way the question was asked was not particularly professional and neither was the response. Hence the whole issue escalated unnecessarily. Both parties could benefit from a communication skills course.

I get the feeling that there is the some nuance in the asking here.
You asked 'what is your role today?' You saw this of the fastest way to finding out who the bottle washer was that day should you need bottles washed. Your colleague interpreted it as checking up on them.
If however, you had asked 'Who is the bottle washer today?' Your colleague would have interpreted this as you checking who was the bottle washer.

Wholeheartedly agree. In many cases we can get away with a poorly phrased query (e.g. "Why are YOU here?") with people who we get on with, but have to strive for excellence with people who we don't gel with quite so well.

I get the distinct impression it's how you ask. There's a difference in saying what are you doing today versus what way do you want to split the tasks today? If it's the first, that's not on.

We work in a small team in a nursing unit

I guessed before I read this post that you were in that sort of setting. Yes, everyone on shift needs to know what role each person is doing each day. You don't wait until an incident is happening to start asking "oh who is security nurse today? Who's got the meds keys? Who's shift co?"

And it is professional to make sure you know, and unprofessional to be an tit about being asked!