To walk away from my friend because her success makes me feel rubbish?

[MarinaOlivia]

Hi all, I have a problem and I'd love to hear other people's opinions on how to solve it.

I am madly, irrationally envious of my friend's career. We went to uni together and have been very close since then.

She is mid-30s and in a director level role at a well-known, exciting corporate. She makes a lot of money and travels for work to amazing places. She js smart, ambitious and successful. Not to mention she is very attractive, kind and caring. She is single, but she will undoubtedly find someone equally gorgeous to share her life with.

I am also mid-30s, but stuck in a stupid role at a boring office. I am ashamed to admit that I am not climbing the ladder because I am not ambitious enough to make the extra effort. I am essentially a lazy, boring single woman with nothing interesting to offer.

I make enough to support myself and pay rent, but there is no extra room for luxuries or treats. I am bored, I feel like I am such a failure.

My envy has got to a point where I am considering distancing myself from her because her success makes me feel so rubbish about myself. I know this is silly of me and I should work on myself to improve my life, instead of focusing on hers. But I can't help feeling terribly every time I meet her or talk to her.

If you've been in a similar situation, how did you cope with it? Should I walk away from this friend just to make myself feel better? Isn't it terribly selfish?

Please help 

Anyone who claims never to feel madly jealous is a liar

Genuinely I don't and haven't ever felt it, and I've achieved a surpring amount, what spurred me on was not wishing to live as my parents had.

It's fine that envy is what spurs you on, but please don't make the mistake of thinking it's the same for everyone, it's really not. The only person I compete against is me.

I come from the perspective that my lovely older sister distances herself from me because of my "success". She hasn't had a career, has tried a few things but nothing stuck. She's 9 years older than me and is struggling post 2 young children to find a job.

She won't talk to me for advice or help. Have racked my brains wondering if ive done something to hurt/offend her or anything that has been unhelpful. My Dad says it's because of my "successful" job, that I went to uni etc.

I worked really hard in my career, I took on all sorts of jobs including career whilst studying, worked low end marketing jobs in London to get experience before getting a foot in the ladder. I know what it's like to peddle shit! I'm constantly stretched in current role but do it to push myself and feel achievement - I've worked hard to have a job I enjoy and challenges me.

OP please don't distance yourself, it broke my heart when my sister did this and she seems like a really close friend. No matter what happens, we all need the love and support of our friends.

Some really good advice on here OP. Have been there, done that. Realised my stupidity when it turned out my friend who appeared to have the perfect life had a husband who was seeing prostitutes, work colleagues who found her v difficult and children who were messed up.

But even if your friend's life really IS perfect, it's not a competition!

However, you sound like you need to shake this up a bit - not to emulate your friend - but just to introduce some excitement into your life. Why not look at the opportunities you have as a single to go and explore the world? A year abroad working in a voluntary capacity? Or a short-term trip for a charity to a developing country? Nothing like this to get a sense of perspective ...

You sound lovely, if a little depressed, so try something different. I'm sure you will do well.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind replies 

Of course I know IABU in considering to distancing myself from said friend. I know the problem lies with me, not with her. On paper 33 is a young age, but I constantly feel like I "missed the boat" for a great career and now I am destined to a mediocre job forever. I need to do something about it, but it is hard to change career when you have invested so many years in a specific field. I'd have to retrain and start from scratch, and I am not even sure what I should pursue. I genuinely feel like I have zero talents.

I don't have children, nor does my friend, who is my same age. I used to think I'd have had children by the time I was my age, but now I am not even sure I want them that much. On the other hand, friend is absolutely clear that she wants a family and she is now dating "professionally", going on lots of dates with a clear idea in mind about what she is looking for. She is very serious about finding a partner to start a family with. No doubt she'll be successful at that too.

Look, everyone has their own struggles and problems, on the outside it may appear that she is happy and successful, but you don't know what is going on her inside you really don't. Don't loose a good friendship because of your insecurities, you choose your pathway. Find out what type of work you would like to do, and go on courses or gain experience. Is there a local careers office in your area.

If it helps just hold back a bit, but still remain in contact. Don't like others have said, say something you may later regret.

Set yourself goals, take time to think about what you want to do. Even if it means completely retraining, your 33, not 63.

My DH has just started an on the job retraining position at 32, my friend from uni was a mature student at 40 and that was 10 years ago.

You seem very bitter OP even though you admit her ambitions is not something that you want be it that she wants a family or for you to be a director.

Have you seen your Dr about possibly being depressed?

&"@EllariaSand you have issues and need professional help
I have only felt jealousy once and
It was when my partner got with another woman
real jealousy is the path to destruction
I spent a week in hospital and very nearly killed her and him because of jealousy
If you feel that horrible feeling often then you are an unwell person
I often think that when people say they are jealous they do t know the true meaning of the word
It is natural to want what others have sometimes but for it to turn to jealousy is dangerous
It's a selfish emotion -look at it from their perspective

No body has a perfect life and we are all here living together and one day dead together so learn to love each other and not want to be better than someone and he grateful for what you have

@Gwenhwyfar it's defo not normal

lyndar I believe I'm quite normal (i.e., not always kittens and rainbows). Indeed I'm just in the process of switching career paths all thanks to jealousy. I've been on the receiving end of jealousy too, thanks, and I don't harbour uncharitable thoughts towards the people involved...not even ladies who've tried to / succeeded in pilfering my boyfriends. (I think of things from their perspectives as well).
Your experience sounds utterly dreadful, sorry you went through it and I hope you managed to move on. All the best.

@MarinaOlivia I feel you. Look after yourself first, or you'll never be able to be a good friend :)

Do some research on social comparison theory. Fascinating. All around the world (but most acutely in liberal market economies like the USA and the uk) people are driven to compare themselves with others. Women are more likely to blame perceived failures on themselves and men on others or the environment.

In terms of solutions, a good one is to imagine something you do better than her that you value - probably something non-monetary.

If you can’t think of anything, another solution, rather than dropping her altogether, is to seek out some less successful friends. I guarantee there will be someone who envies something about you and the way you live your life.

There’s no need to feel ashamed. It’s perfectly human to feel as you do. Maybe one day some schadenfreud disaster will befell her, and you can step in magnanimously in a satisfying way.

Also, at the risk of sounding psychobabbly, you need to make friends with yourself - learn to live with the reasons why you have made your choices.

Make a list of everything that is wonderful in your life and then consider what her life is like and what you would have to trade for her 'success' and you'll see it isn't that great. As a friend you only see her 'highlights' I imagine if you were living it you'd not be so envious you'll have lots in your life that is great you just can't see it at the moment and that's ok.

I don't harbour uncharitable thoughts towards the people involved...not even ladies who've tried to / succeeded in pilfering my boyfriends

No one pilfers a boyfriend, I'm sorry, they are grown ups who make their own minds up where they want to be. They are not possessions that can be stolen. If a boyfriend cheated and went else where, then it's on him, it was his decision.

Agree, Bluntness100. Excuse my lazy turn of phrase.

I feel sorry for your friend. You want to dump her because your life is inadequate. Instead of moaning about it why don’t you do something about it?

I made a lot of money as a youngster in the 90s IT revolution. It's bewildering in some ways, and she probably needs your company more that you can understand.

Be honest with her, and yourself, and try to figure out what exactly it is that you want from your life. Not everyone wants a big career and that's good and normal. On the other hand, if you do want a big career, then get going.

Just doing one thing that puts you out there can change your life forever.

People who think everyone gets really jealous are wrong. I'm very driven but I don't ever really get envious at all.

Not much I can add to the above although it’s totally normal to feel envious, I’m struggling myself atm with friends who are all pregnant (alongside the world and his wife!).

I’m trying to concentrate on other things that make me happy e.g. getting fitter/stronger, planning more social events, decorating.

I’d recommend the Science of Happiness episode of the Feel Better, Live More Dr. Chatterjee podcast. I listened it today and it has some good points about what makes actually people happy and small things you can change.

Wow - only 33 - this is most definitely NOT too late to pursue a different path in life!! Whatever gave you that idea OP?

I retrained at 46 and am so pleased I did.

Life is just beginning for you!!