To walk away from my friend because her success makes me feel rubbish?

[MarinaOlivia]

Hi all, I have a problem and I'd love to hear other people's opinions on how to solve it.

I am madly, irrationally envious of my friend's career. We went to uni together and have been very close since then.

She is mid-30s and in a director level role at a well-known, exciting corporate. She makes a lot of money and travels for work to amazing places. She js smart, ambitious and successful. Not to mention she is very attractive, kind and caring. She is single, but she will undoubtedly find someone equally gorgeous to share her life with.

I am also mid-30s, but stuck in a stupid role at a boring office. I am ashamed to admit that I am not climbing the ladder because I am not ambitious enough to make the extra effort. I am essentially a lazy, boring single woman with nothing interesting to offer.

I make enough to support myself and pay rent, but there is no extra room for luxuries or treats. I am bored, I feel like I am such a failure.

My envy has got to a point where I am considering distancing myself from her because her success makes me feel so rubbish about myself. I know this is silly of me and I should work on myself to improve my life, instead of focusing on hers. But I can't help feeling terribly every time I meet her or talk to her.

If you've been in a similar situation, how did you cope with it? Should I walk away from this friend just to make myself feel better? Isn't it terribly selfish?

Please help 

YABU

Situations change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. All you can do is keep plodding, and try to make time for things and hobbies that make you happy.

Find yourself some less successful friends and you will feel better

Do you have kids op?

Travelling for work isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm in a European country all week, current laying on my hotel bed, mumsnetting, after being away all last week too, in a non eu country. I could be anywhere in the world. Except home. That's how much I get to see of it. I have jet lag still from last week and my body clock is all over the place. And I can assure uou going through Heathrow a couple of times a week is no fun,

Either way though, will dumping the friendship make you feel better about yourself, I doubt it will, I suspect it will just make you feel even more shit about who you're turning out to be as an adult.

Whatever the answer is in terms of being happy with your own life, this woman isn't the problem. And binning her isn't the answer. Becayse there is always others like her.

you choose your life, not her fault. only you can change it.

I've been on both sides of this.

When i was the jealous one i managed to overcome it by remembering what a lovely person my friend was. (she married into money). I'm kind of proud of myself for swallowing my jealousy. Then she moved abroad ans we lost touch anyway.

When i was dropped by another friend through jealousy it hurt a lot.

Honestly, everyone from school was becoming doctors/lawyers (no exaggeration, so many doctors) or going on crazy gap years and I was home with chronic illness and deleted them all on a whim as it really got me down. Not once do I miss anyone and I am glad I did it. Looking back I just wasn't in the right place to be seeing people's amazing accomplishments as I was so depressed. I am happier now but at the time it honestly made me feel at least 10 times worse!

Why so you think it is you don't want to put in the effort? Do you not like what you do for a living?

Totally get where you’re coming from. You should get her to refer you into her work and take steps towards achieving your goals! you can do it OP.

You need to work in your self esteem

I know what you mean . Really . And I still have twinges myself . But having worked in self esteem ( therapy , courses , self development ) I don’t tend to envy others as much as I used to

You say such horrible things about yourself

You need a boost . I know everyone says therapy but there is a reason why , it bloody works

OP this is the kind of envy that can drive you to make changes. It just sounds like you're stuck in a bit of a rut that's all. Try not to see it as jealousy, turn it around so you're viewing it as inspiration instead.

You don't have to be like your friend to be a good person, or have a good time. What do you want to do? We are not all the same. Concentrate on what makes you happy.

I am essentially a lazy, boring single woman with nothing interesting to offer.

This is the kind of thinking I'm very guilty of. I went to see a therapist about a completely different issue and we started discussing how I felt about myself (lazy, stupid, weak, etc.) and she asked if I would ever be that harsh with anyone else. I said "no" and she was like, "well then why do you do it to yourself? Why are you harder on yourself than everyone else?". That brought us to the fact I was avoiding resitting professional exams because I was telling myself I'd just fail again because I was too lazy to do the work. And after that, I tried again and passed. It gave me the kick up the arse I needed. I don't want to be in my boss's job because it's not me and I'm not prepared to sacrifice time with my family etc. But we're different people and that's ok. I'm just happy to be at a level where I have a bit of cash left over before payday and am proud of the work I do.

I bet your friend wouldn't describe you as lazy or boring. She hasn't found a relationship either- and she might struggle more than you given the hours, stress and amounts of travel she has to do for her job. Your lives aren't that different in a lot of ways, but you have the flexibity to change career, location or major life plans without it being a massive risk. Rather than focus on how your mate has it better than you, stop being so hard on yourself and sort yourself out. And I mean that kindly.

Couch to 5k

I’m not kidding. It has changed my life.

Hi, your post is very candid, and it can't have been easy to write. It was easy to read though, as you are articulate, clear and expressive.
I am not as good (concise) as you are in expressing thoughts, so I will just respond to each part of your post, sorry if it is rambling. You start by saying 'I have a problem..' which is great news, that you see it as a problem, once you have identified that it is a problem, you can fix it.
You then go on to say 'madly, irrationally'; basically you know exactly that this isn't right and completely... irrational. So, that's great. It doesn't really need a 'fix' if it is irrational.
You are so complimentary of your lovely friend. It is wonderful that you met someone at Uni that you are still in contact with and close to. This is definitely a plus and must be appreciated, not everyone has that, so you are doing well there. What you wrote about her is not envious but is loving and kind -perhaps if you were describing her to someone you wanted to ask her out, you would say these things. It just means you care about her, value her, respect her even. This is great. Please do not let your judgement be clouded by negativity -it seems you are a good friend and a great all round person.
What I read in the next part was not the negatives you said about yourself -but that you have a job. A lot of people don't have jobs. You are in your 30s -that is the prime of your life. A time when you are not young enough to be immature and not old enough to write yourself off. A time to enjoy and look forward to things, even little everyday things. You work in an office, which is way better than working out in the cold and rain.
Presumably you are in good health. The importance of this cannot be underestimated. And single. How many people are in unhappy / complicated relationships suffering? So, you have promise, you have a world of opportunities. You said you can't be bothered to climb the ladder. That is ok. You are not in competition with your friend or with anyone else. You are in control of your own life and it seems to be fine compared to millions of others. A lot of people are earning enough to support themselves but that is ok. Luxuries are not a necessity, stating the obvious. So, you may infer that they are unnecessary. A walk on the beach or a park holding hands with someone you like costs nothing. Instagram culture sells luxuries and it is a race to show off to people who don't matter. You seem like someone who has depth. You should recognize that it is fantastic to have close friends that you have things in common with, someone you like, someone you can look up to, aspire to be like. I think you do.
Please reconsider your stance, you DO have a great deal to offer, it is disappointing when you say you don't -leave it to others to judge that. I am sure the friend you are talking about thinks that you have a lot to offer. That is why she is your friend (It would appear she has choices and can leave you but chooses to stay close to you. Please take this as a compliment and value your friendships, each one of them -I assure you this is truly a gift). Also, it is nice to associate with people who challenge you, intellectually, and otherwise.
You talk about your envy -you have already identified it is irrational and 'mad'; totally uncalled for. You don't need to 'improve your life', you have a good life. You don't have a terrible illness, you live in a great country with human rights, with medical care, with good infrastructure. In the rat race, there is undue pressure to 'climb the ladder' for no good reason. It was in the news yesterday that the former head of the civil service died aged 56. The most successful person, career wise. Financially secure. Knighthood. Service to the country. He climbed the ladder. He built the ladder, made it higher. For what? Great pension plan. The guy was 2 weeks into his retirement!
In answer to your question, please treasure your friendship with this friend of yours, it seems she is truly special. As are you.
Some of the answers here are terrible, do not look for excuses for how her life isn't really as good as it seems. Be happy for her that it is. One of the best things she may have is your friendship. Your life is perfectly normal. You have yourself identified that you are bored -this is another indication that you are perceptive (self aware) and very smart. Not everyone become 'successful' in the ways measured traditionally. Focus on trying to be happy with what you do have (which is a lot). Enjoy each day, time being envious is such a waste. I want to say things will change and things will get better, but even if they didn't, is this so bad? No, it's fine. It appears that you are very bored. My suggestion is, you should do things which offer immediate fulfillment such as volunteering, not formally but even just helping someone. As simple as a good turn a day. You come across as very genuine and a good friend. Fulfillment in life doesn't necessarily come with money. It is a feeling from within. Be happy, you have a great life ahead of you!
I wish you the very best.

Anyone who claims never to feel madly jealous is a liar. If I didn't feel jealousy, I would never have achieved anything in my life ever

I totally get this—I have a terrible issue with envy and it’s a really ugly thing. I got rid of all of my social media because seeing others living abroad, having great-sounding jobs, doing interesting things that I wanted to do really pissed me off. I’ve felt a lot better since doing that.

However—my biggest issue is that I went to a bad school and was one of the clever ones of a low-achieving bunch. So I think I was given unrealistic expectations. I was a big fish in a small pond, so to speak. So when I got out into the world there were just a lot more people a lot more clever and talented than me. I have a job that I love, but my biggest problem is that I don’t feel that I’m where I wanted or had planned to be by the age I am now. I still get pissed off when I see people younger than me passing me and becoming more senior in their career. I had a pretty clear ‘plan’ in my head as to where I ought to be at this point in my life but due to things like a divorce and that cleaning me out savings-wise I’m now behind.

I guess none of this is helpful other than to say I sympathise. But even if you cut your friend off, you could end up like me and just unhappy with yourself in competition with yourself.

Change your definition of success and find your sense of humour.

Acknowledge your dissatisfaction and see what you can do to give yourself something to look forward to every week, it doesn't have to be work related.

Count your blessings and practice mindfulness.

To OP

No matter what you achieve in life there will always be someone who is doing better.

For me success should not solely be measured by wealth. Sadly in the material World we live in it is often the only measure that people consider.

Other factors such as being a good; friend, colleague, parent, sibling, neighbour, contributor to local community and so on can be considered as success too.

I could be your friend in this, OP (although I'm definitely not gorgeous) and I'd be mortified if any of my friends pulled away from me because of my career

Ellaria I'm autistic. I never feel madly jealous, because I have no idea about other people's lives.

I think I'm susceptible to self pity and envy of others who apparently have such perfect lives and what I have learnt is that everyone has something going on in their lives. She may well not have the perfect life that you presume she does. She may be anxious about her job, it may be high pressure, she may not have time to meet anyone to start a family, etc. I think you will regret letting your jealousy ruin a good friendship. Work on improving your own circumstances. And maybe list a few things you are grateful for and proud of yourself for every day.

Do you want to progress at work or do you feel like you should?

Other pps have mentioned what helped them so heres my saviour: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. I no longer compare myself to others and I am so much happier.

I'd say if you're jealous of someone else's career then you are ambitious. You might just be in the wrong job? Definitely don't walk away from your friend though, she sounds great and you sound like you love her a lot (which makes you sound great too!)