To feel crap being "poor" living in a wealthy area

[purple8pig]

In our village the vast majority of families are very well off, very big 3 storey detached houses etc. A lot of the parents are older parents.

Me and dh had our first child young, I was only 18. We now have 4 kids and dh works but I'm currently a sahm. We do OK and get by but have very few luxuries, no savings at all and live hand to mouth.

I thought we were very lucky to get a house with quite low rent in such a nice area, as even though we aren't as well off as a lot here, the kids are growing up in a nice area.

But now I'm starting to think, would we be better off being with the majority in a less wealthy area? It's all well and good not caring but dd1 is noticing now the difference.

Don't get me wrong I've explained to her money isn't the most important thing etc and she's very grateful and she doesn't mention it or act like she wants more. But her friends came over the other day and one said to the other (when they thought dd was out of earshot) "isn't her (dd1s) house rubbish compared to ours?"

Now I know that reflects badly on the friend not us, but I can't help but feel like shit.

Maybe living in a nice area isn't everything and dc would be happier somewhere they're not at the bottom of the pond

Apologies I'm on my phone, there were paragraphs when I wrote that!

I'm in a similar situation. I wouldn't move because I love the area, but it does get me down. I'm too ashamed to have people over and become quite isolated. I don't mind so much though.

What are the schools like? If living in a nice area is giving your children the opportunity to go to good schools then stay where you are.

You're not being unreasonable, research has shown that it's harder to be happy if you're poorer than the people you encounter.

I guess it depends if a not so 'rich' area is still a nice and safe place to live.

Some homes (friends and families of DS 's pals) I visit are nice, large, fancy... But the number of violent crimes in the area is shocking. The kids can't go out by themselves as gangs hang around and you never see any police on the beat.

Jesus - those friends might be living in bigger houses but they clearly have shit manners. I think the answer depends on how “ nice “ your area is and what the alternative is. I live in a nice area and I dare say there are some well off people around but it’s quite mixed employment wise but not “ premier league football player “ level. The majority of schools here are outstanding or good and crime is low so lots to recommend it. I can appreciate how annoying it must be in your position but would think about the expense and disruption of moving versus the gains for you. Would your kids need to change schools? What about employment .... would that be impacted in any way?

I almost could have written this post myself. I live in a small village but I'm a single mum of four. Huge houses full of families with loads of cash and I often feel my children are discriminated for this. I am self employed and don't earn a lot of money but I spend all year saving for birthdays and Christmas to try and afford the thingsthey would like and so they don't stick out to much. I love the area as it so peaceful, the school is amazing and my mum is here I just sometimes wish we were in a bit of a better position. Some of the mums physically look down their nose at me on the school runs

We have that too.
DS asked "are we poor?" because we had our main holiday in Northumberland this year and didn't go on a plane. He also told his tennis teacher that "our garden is too small to practice in because mummy doesn't have a proper job". I am an NHS hospital consultant which keeps the wolf from the door but compared to his classmates in his (state) school it does make him feel deprived which is ridiculous.

I was in your position years ago op but I've always tended to be a bit head in the clouds and am not observant, therefore not impressed by other people's possessions. I hated the financial worries for myself, husband and child but am not overly materialistic by nature. We didn't have a bad life, people seemed to like us well enough, always plenty of friends. Who knows what they might have said behind our backs? At least they were leaving someone else alone.

This phase will pass, just ride it out. You have a lot going for you and will have even more later.

Blow anyone if they look down on you (including blunt children). There's nothing wrong with you - you never know, they might even be jealous of you:-). Make sure you instill confidence in your children so they can walk tall.

And lots of the mums look down on me. They are sooo "groomed". I could never look as glossy as them.

I love that I can wander out of my front door and go to a beautiful park, walk to shops, cafes and restaurants, just go for a nice walk... It's very safe and crime levels are surprisingly low. Streets and pavements are wide and clean - it's a pretty area. It's not the countryside but there's a lot of greenery and (generally) safe open spaces.

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve thought about this often. We own this house, have lived here 24 years now and could never afford it now.
There’s brand new Audi’s BMW, Volvo etc on the drives. I drive a C3 Picasso!
I’ve got a job but not well paid, DH is medically retired. It’s depressing living here tbh!

Thank you all, I'm sorry others feel this way but it's comforting to know I'm not alone in it.
This area is nice, schools are great, hard crime is low but there is an increasing amount of thefts, anti social behaviour by teens but same could be said about anywhere I'm sure.
We are lucky compared to many, I know that, it's just hard isn't it when this around you have so much more.
Is also hard to better myself at the moment as I'm looking for a job but have no qualifications, working long hours requires child care costs etc

Try not to notice what other people have, purple8pig (love your name). Comparisons are fruitless and anyway you said a lot of them are much older than you.

Things are just --- things. They wear out and break. You'll have plenty of things later on.

Sounds like you have a decent home in a nice area actually.

Thank you, and I know, I try not to want more as you will always want more. Its just hard when things like that happen but I suppose its a life lesson for dc.

Yes we have a nice warm house, it's a small kitchen /dining room, then a small living room with the stairs in there. Then 2 double bedrooms and a box room which only just fits a single bed (or bunk beds) and there are 6 of us. So we do need meeting bigger really. But we are safe, dry and warm and that's the main thing x

There are 6 of you... you are probably in your 20s? If you're getting by with only one wage then you're doing bloody well.

I'm 29, there's me, my dh who is 33 then dc who are 10,8,6&2
I know we are very lucky as dh only earns around 28k but things break and we can't fix them, we don't go out etc and don't have holidays really. So I do need to find work soon but I appreciate I'm very lucky to be able to stay at home x

I get this. I feel like this all the time. Houses here average £3nillion and we’re in one considerably cheaper and smaller. I’m nervous of the day my 4 year old will ask me why our house is way smaller. Dh works for himself and I’m doing OK. We drove a second hand car and everyone here seem to have new range rovers. I get where your coming from OP. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It happens at all levels of society. My parents were/are incredibly wealthy. Not a humble brag, but 6 bed country pile, bolt holes in Edinburgh and London we went to very posh schools, but then you are mingling with oil barrons, aomone I went to school with had a Bugatti veyron, and you’re the kid in clas whos poor because your parents are zillionaires.
Then a good friend of mine who’s parents had millions in the bank we’re the “modest” lot of their circle of friends in the UAE.

There is always someone far better off than you and far worse off.

Meant to say aren’t zillionaires

Stay where you are! I live on an estate where most of the houses are less than £200K, but we are surrounded by 1.5M homes and people driving brand 4X4.
Yes, we've had the odd child from richer families saying that we have a rubbish house and car compared to them.
But, WHO CARES?
We never have and we don't feel the need to keep up with the Jones.
I'm grateful that it's a much nicer area than where we used to live in the city!

I am the same. I have a good job for the area that pays well enough. But it pays for a two bed in a naice area. My DS goes to a nice school as a result but we are different.

I am a single mum so only one wage. So a significantly smaller house than other families on two wages. He notices definitely. But I wouldn't change it

He has opportunities he wouldn't have in another area. That's the sad fact.

I have been in this position my whole mum life and as teens my kids are kind, compassionate and well adjusted. Do I feel sorry for them? No, actually. They are still better off than 90% of the worlds population.
Find it interesting that people dread kids asking why their houses are smaller? There’s no shame in explaining that some people earn less than others.
Enjoy your kids and lovely surroundings- what other people think of you is non of your business. If they are looking down their nose then who would want the effort of being their friend anyway. They are competitive, sneery and boring
Raise your kids as feeling lucky and I still the confidence that comes without money or possessions

Living in London I have always made sure I lived in a non-posh part because I don’t have loads of money. I can’t stand areas where your local shop is all artisan and a packet of biscuits costs £4 or something ridiculous. If I live near cheap shops, it makes me feel like I am doing alright because I can afford everything. And I wouldn’t send my child to private school either unless I was really rich because it would be hard for them being the poor one who probably couldn’t afford all the extras like the expensive trips etc. So I get where you are coming from. But if you are generally happy there I would just seek out the most non-snobby friends for you and your daughter and be proud of what you do have.

The best one I ever had (from a 7 year old friend of my DD), was 'Why don't you have a moat around your house?'
They lived in an old mill house, massive it was. But every room was empty of furniture, apart from a few rooms.
It was as if they could not afford to furnish their home, but had to show off how rich they were with a massive property!
As others have said, as long as your family are safe, fed and warm, then even a hovel in the woods will seem like a palace.