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To think this isn't normal?im not normal?

29 replies

nellyad · 06/11/2018 15:44

My mam passed away when I was 13.
She had cancer and I'm an only child.
We were so close,she was the best man anybody could have wished for.
When she died I didn't grieve properly,I continued as normal with school etc.
Now I'm 30 years old and I look at my old primary school on Facebook at all the pics of the kids today and think back to my mam and me and all the memories.
I walk past my old school and remember her coming over at lunch time to give me a kiss through the railings and I get upset.
I watch all the movies we watched together and get upset.
None of my friends have lost their mam.
I'm jealous and angry.
It's not normal is it?
Why am I doing this?

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 06/11/2018 15:47

It sounds 'normal' to me.

You couldn't deal with the grief at the time, so you bottled it up, and it is coming out now.

Sounds like you need help moving forward from a bereavement group or trained expert.


Pinkclarko · 06/11/2018 15:50

I'm so sorry. Its totally normal. Both my parents have gone and until I had kids I regularly indulged in a bit of (some might say maudlin) nostalgia but since kids came along I'm trying to focus on the here and now for them. That's just me though, not judging anyone at all. You do what you have to do if it helps you come to terms with it a bit. Sending you loads of hugs xxx

TombIhadaGraveChange · 06/11/2018 15:51

It is normal. Of course it is.

I lost my dad at 6. I didn't really grieve for him then - in a way I was possibly too young, my mother was too caught up in herself and my much older sibling and I just kept myself to myself. Even today my mother finds it hard to believe I have emotions as I'm usually so good at hiding them.

I digress. Until I was about 20 I didn't think I suffered at all from the lack. When I was about 25 I had a breakdown. Now, ten years later, I'm still an emotional mess.

I get jealous of other people who still have both parents. I find it VERY hard to feel sympathetic if the parent of someone I know is dying, as I feel that they're lucky they still have them.

I've had counselling and it helped a little, but this still bothers me, greatly.

You are not alone, and you are not anything but normal.

SputnikBear · 06/11/2018 15:57

It’s normal to feel grief at the loss of a parent, even years later. DH lost his dad at 18 and I know he’s jealous that my dad is our DS’s only grandad. Perhaps talking to someone would help Flowers

nellyad · 06/11/2018 16:09

I'm sorry to all of you who have lost someone it's horrible :-(
I cry for her most days,look at her pics every day.
Miss her so much,sometimes I get angry at her for leaving me.
Every time I feel weak and think I just want it to be over I think of my mam and how much she loved me and that gives me the strength to keep going.

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 06/11/2018 16:18

Be kind to yourself. You lost your mum at age 13 - that’s a traumatic, life-shattering event. Of course you are still feeling the effects, particularly if you buried it at the time.

RelentlessSylvia · 06/11/2018 16:20

What strikes me is that your loss wasn't all that long ago. 17 years is a long time in some ways but not long at all in others. Be kind to yourself: you lost your lovely mam, you're allowed to feel sad and angry and shortchanged.

KMoKMo · 06/11/2018 16:35

Entirely normal. You cannot process the enormity of your loss at the age of 13.
I lost a sibling in my teens. I had a mini breakdown at age 30. I was single, childless, realised my parents were aging and it hit me that if I lost them I’d have no blood relation.
I had counselling and talked to friends as much as I could. I really felt no one understood though.
Like a precious poster, now I have kids I feel the grief a lot less and I suppose they have given me a purpose to keep going.
It’s incredibly hard and I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

nellyad · 06/11/2018 16:36

This is like me,I have my dad and that's it.
I'm terrified of being alone.

OP posts:
KMoKMo · 06/11/2018 16:42

Could you contact CRUSE? They offer bereavement counselling. Or see your GP or afford a private therapist? It won’t be a quick fix but it may help.

Agedaynight · 06/11/2018 16:43
tiggerkid · 06/11/2018 16:46

Sounds completely normal to me. Some things just hit you when you don't expect them to Flowers

KittensAndCake · 06/11/2018 16:48

Miss her so much,sometimes I get angry at her for leaving me.
I get angry at my mum dying and leaving me but I was 28, I couldn't imagine being 13 and losing your mum, it must have been heartwrenching.
None of my friends have lost their mam.
I'm jealous and angry.
I get jealous and bloody angry when I see Grandmas with their Daughters and Grandchildren, as my mum never met my kids and I so wish she had Sad

You said it yourself, you didn't grieve properly at the time, which is why you need to now.

Of course it's normal. Be kind to yourself Flowers

bubbles108 · 06/11/2018 16:48

Utterly and totally normal

Imo you need grief counselling

Hugest hugs xxx

nellyad · 06/11/2018 16:49

I've been thinking of seeing a bereavement counsellor for a while now.
The only problem is as soon as I speak about her I cry,I can't stop it.
I'm embarrassed to make a fool of myself by crying.
I know that's stupid.
I've got a great friend and she's my rock,she rings me daily,sometimes twice a day and she keeps me sane.

OP posts:
Tomatoesrock · 06/11/2018 16:49

Oh OP it is really sad. I am sorry you are feeling like that, though your Mam must have been an amazing mam, you have such lovely memories. A heart that gets broke was truly loved Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 06/11/2018 16:50

Oh OP I really want to give you a hug. It's so ahrd losng a parent, especially at 13, I could cry for you Sad

I think what you describe is perfectly normal for someone grieving for someone they loved very much

Have you thought about bereavement couselling, to help you deal with your feelings, even if only to reassure you that you aren't "abnormal"


NoSquirrels · 06/11/2018 16:50

Sounds extremely normal. I’m so sorry Flowers

Sometimes grief bubbles up when you reach an age where you’re thinking about the future, or a stage in life e.g. DC off to school, or getting pregnant, that triggers it.

You have such lovely memories of your mum, I loved your description of her kissing you through the gate. Love lives forever even if people cannot.

More Flowers

Tomatoesrock · 06/11/2018 16:50

Definitely see someone and do not be embarrassed. I wish you lots of luck. I am glad you have a lovely friend.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/11/2018 16:51

Sounds normal to me too xx

A lot Of stuff gets buried when we are kids and it comes out now when we are older

I am So sorry for your loss . It’s cruel and hard and sad

Better out than in Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 06/11/2018 16:51

Sorry I missed your post about counslling. Don't be embarrassed - she will have seen this before and be trained in how to help you. Please keep going

nellyad · 06/11/2018 16:51

28 is still really young too,my grandma was 92 when she died and my dad was in early 60s.
I wish I could have had my mam till I was 60.
I can't imagine having her for so long.
If she was here today she would have just turned 60.
We would have been going out for meals together,shopping days,I would have spoilt her rotten.
Now she's not here,there's nothing I can do for her.
Putting flowers on her grave isn't enough

OP posts:
Kintan · 06/11/2018 17:04

I lost my mum when I was aged 32 and that seemed too young to me. 13 is nothing but a tragedy, and your reaction and it coming out now is perfectly normal. When you were 13 it was too big for you to deal with. It is ok to feel jealous and angry, I sometimes feel that way when I see mothers, daughters and grandchildren together as my mum would have loved being a grandmother so much. I echo suggestions of seeng a grief counsellor. Sending you strength and hugs. Hold on to the feeling you have of how much she loved you x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/11/2018 17:07

Oh OP, please see a bereavement counsellor. And it's OK to cry. I also recommend Cruse.

Also there is no 'normal' when it comes to grief - it's different for everyone. But can be a bitch! Sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

I lost my Dad when I was 11 and still have a cry sometimes (I'm 43 now).

Sending you a hug. Flowers

Feefeetrixabelle · 06/11/2018 17:08

Lost my twin at a young age. Got through school years fine. Upset but fine. Now cry everyday, it’s been close to 25 years now. I’ve just accepted that I’ll never be ok with it so I have my cry and think about them every day and then I crack on.

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